Some Of My Best Friends Are Writers

TOP TEN 'THAT GUYS' AT A BACHELOR PARTY

2009-06-05T13:28:00.000-07:00

I was going to write this after my last bachelor party, but I’m lazy. So, I thought since THE HANGOVER was coming out, I might as well get off my ass. I’ll be going to my fifth bachelor party in Las Vegas this summer. Every time has been a blast, but I’ve noticed a pattern among my fellow compatriots. There are certain rookie mistakes that seem to happen at every party. But luckily I have written a handy list so you can avoid being THAT GUY. Here is my list of least favorite THAT GUYS at a bachelor party in Las Vegas.

DON’T BE THE GUY WHO…

10. WHO DIDN’T BRING ANY MONEY
You have two options here. Spend money and have fun or don’t bring any money and bitch and moan the entire weekend. Whatever you think you need, double it. That’s right double it. After you’ve paid for your room and your flight, plan on spending at LEAST a few hundred dollars. That’s right. What are you going to spend it on? I don’t know. And no one else does either. Money just catches on fire as soon as your plane lands in Las Vegas. Spending money is the past time in Las Vegas, like tanning is in Hawaii and looking at Art is in Paris. It’s what you do. Oh yeah, and make sure you bring cash. You’ll need it for cabs, to grab a quick drink, and to get you in places that were previously filled to capacity. Do not plan on using the ATM. This is my least favorite conversation in Las Vegas “What are we doing? We’re waiting for (insert name of jackass) to find an ATM that doesn’t charge a fee.” Guess what? They all have fees that average around $7. And no, we will not wait for you to walk eight blocks to Washington Mutual. Go to the bank BEFORE you get to Las Vegas.

9. GAMBLES WHEN THEY ARE HAMMERED
It’s a natural reaction I know. Let’s keep the party going. And look, the tables are wide open. But you’re way too drunk to gamble. Trust me. It’s four am and you started drinking at four pm, and switching to whisky at 11 because you needed a pick me up might not have been among your brightest ideas. For some reason when you’re drunk and gamble, you think the reason you weren’t winning before was because you weren’t taking any chances. So now you decide to double your bets, split fives and double down on a pair of kings. After a long night of drinking in Las Vegas what do you think you’re more likely to hear while you’re going through your pockets in the morning:
A. “Wow, after the club we must have gone gambling last night, because I found an extra five hundred dollars in my pocket!”
B. “Wow, after the club we must have gone gambling last night, because I know I had five hundred dollars in my pocket.”

8. WHO BITCHES ABOUT THERE BEING NO WAITRESS AT THE BLACKJACK TABLE.
This isn’t Mortons. There aren’t three people waiting on you. You’re at the Casino Royal playing five dollar blackjack. There is one sixty-five year old waitress who smokes two packs of Carltons a day waiting on a hundred people. So don’t be shocked that you haven’t seen her for forty-five minutes. My last bachelor party, I was at a casino and these two guys were losing hundreds of dollars playing blackjack. For thirty minutes all they did was bitch that they hadn’t seen the waitress and they needed a drink. The bar was RIGHT BEHIND THEM. Like, eight feet behind them. I’ve got an idea, get up, walk to the bar and pay $4 for a fucking drink. You might want to make that a habit unless you like watered down well drinks and Miller light. Most of the times if you tell the bartender you’re gambling he’ll even give it to you for free.

7. BRINGS A CAMERA
Yeah, I know you got a cool new digital camera. Yeah, I know you think you’re an up and coming amateur photographer. Guess what , I have a little secret your two hundred dollar camera from Target is not cool and your photos suck. Leave the camera in another state. That’s right. Don’t even take it.

6. GOES TO THE ATM MACHINE AT 3AM
You don’t need it. Live to fight another day my friend. If you take out $300 and you blow it that night. (This might have happened to me once or twice) When you wake up the next day your ATM card will be maxed out because $300 is the limit for the day. So then you’ll have to get a cash advance on your Visa to get through the next day. Then Visa will notice irregular activity on your card. Then they’ll call your house and ask your wife/girlfriend if it’s okay to take out that money. Then she’ll use that against you when she’s planning her trip with the girls. So that $300 now cost you double plus interest all because you went to the ATM machine at 3 o’clock in the morning.

5. GETS SO BURNT OUT THE FIRST NIGHT THEY SLEEP ALL DAY
This has happened to at least one person at every bachelor party I’ve ever been to in Las Vegas. One guy gets so freaking hammered that his hangover lasts two days. They go to sleep on Friday night/Saturday Morning and wake up Saturday night like at eight o’clock. Then they’re a walking zombie the next night. You shouldn’t sleep more than six hours anyway. Your body is like a high performance vehicle. It’ll go at a reasonable speed for a long time, but it doesn’t want to you to slam on the breaks when it’s a full speed. Once you get moving, keep it moving. Pace yourself. Don’t worry, they are not going to run out of gambling, alcohol and strippers. There will be plenty in the morning.

4. STAYS AT THE SUPER CHEAP HOTEL
There is always one guy that is trying to save $50 a night on a hotel room, so they decide to stay at the Motel 6. According to google maps, Motel 6 is only one and half miles away. This seems like a pretty good idea, right? No. A mile and a half on the Las Vegas strip is an eternity. You’ll be spending at least an extra $50 in cabs. And more than likely you’ll crash on the floor of someone’s room because you’ll be too drunk to find the cab stand. Not to mention the fact that’ll you lose out on half the good times. The best times are not going out at night; the best times are in the morning recounting the events from going out at night. Hopefully the best man was smart enough to book the bachelor suite in close proximity to some cheap casinos/hotels. If not, suck it up, you’ll have a much better time.

3. THINKS IT’S OKAY TO WEAR CROCS AND CARGO SHORTS OUT AT NIGHT.
Look, you shouldn’t be wearing crocs anyway, but they do you no good at night in Las Vegas. I know, it’s hot in Las Vegas. And contrary to the myth most people do not dress up in Vegas. Actually most people dress like they were awoken in the middle of the night because their house caught on fire and they grabbed the first thing they could. Seriously, most middle Americans dress like slobs. I’m not being judgmental, it’s just the truth. Besides, there are plenty of people on the strip with ‘That’s what she said’ t-shirts. I know you think that’s a cool look, and I’m just as surprised as you that you don’t have a girlfriend, but please, put on a button up shirt, a NICE pair of jeans and a pair of dress shoes. If you can’t polish them, then get a different pair of shoes. Hey, you might even get some heads to turn in your direction. The clubs, gentlemen or otherwise do not allow shorts, sneakers or jeans with holes in them. You’re only in Vegas for the weekend. You can wear your ‘I only date crack whores’ t-shirt when you get back home.

2. ISN’T SELF SUFFICIENT
Ninety percent of your time in Las Vegas will be spent standing around. Standing at the bar, at the club, or at the black jack table. That’s what you do. If you don’t like standing around drinking, gambling or bullshitting with your boys this probably isn’t the place for you. A lot of people are under the assumption that you’re going to be doing a lot. Standing around and drinking is doing something. Talking with your boys is doing something. Gambling is doing something. So if you don’t like doing this, please go home. And what ever you do, do not ask me “Hey, when are we going to do something?” Dude, we’re doing it.

1. FALLS IN LOVE WITH A STRIPPER
Yes. She’s very attractive. And yes, she is paying a lot of attention to you, but the likelihood that she actually likes you is pretty freaking slim. I take that back, there is no fucking way she actually likes you. For those of you who have never been to a strip club in Las Vegas let me paint you a picture. Most guys, spend their entire lives trying to get a woman to notice them. When I was single and in my twenties I would spend countless nights going to bars and staring at women. And 999 out of 1000 times nothing EVER happened. Now, imagine that scenario, but every time you look at a girl she runs over to you and wants to sit in your lap. Wow. Okay, now let’s say all the women in the bar are very attractive. It’s pretty shocking the first few times you go. Most guys have a hard time telling a girl “No, I don’t want a dance”. Luckily, I’ve built up a tolerance to strip clubs the way I’m sure a young Mexican child gets use to hot sauce. I bet the first time little Hector put some Tapatio on his carna asada taco it burnt, but now, he can barely taste it. Look, have fun. More importantly make sure the bachelor has fun. But whatever you do, do not fall in love with a stripper. And for the love of God, don’t even think about going to that ATM machine.

DEAR BATMAN

2009-02-09T08:04:00.001-08:00

Dear Mr. Batman,

I recently watched your movie “The Dark Knight”. Yeah, I know I know, I waited for video. By looking over those box office numbers, it looks like I’m the only one. I’m not writing this letter to congratulate you on the film, I’m sure you’ve had enough people do that. I’m writing about your supposed plan to clean up the streets.

Let me start off by saying I don’t think you really want to stop crime. I really don’t. Let’s give everyone a quick review. I don’t think this is a big reveal here, but your job is rolling around town as billionaire bachelor playboy, Bruce Wayne. (BTW, great voice disguise. Talking in a really deep voice is sure to fool everyone, but it must be a killer on your throat. I suggest chamomile tea with lots of honey). In the history of day jobs, this is probably the best one. For most people, jet setting around the world and having sex with super models would not just be a day job, it would be a dream job. But, no, you have to fight crime. On the surface, a noble cause. You have come to the conclusion, with all of your billions of dollars and apparently all your time, because you don’t seem to be spending too much of it running that corporation of yours, that the best way to fight crime in the City of Gotham is to dress up as a bat and drive around town in an obnoxiously hideous car. While I’ve never been a cop and never really associated with criminals, unless you count living in Baltimore, I think your way of fighting crime is more about feeding your ego than cleaning up the streets. Here are few things you could do that would actually stop crime.

GET A BIGGER CREW
Jordan didn’t win a title until he learned to pass the ball. Kobe still has not won one without Shaq. So let’s be honest here. I know it’s great to get all the press and have the bat signal shining in the clouds every night, but if you really want to get things done, you’re going to need a bigger crew. You can’t be in two places at once, but the Joker can. He was able to rig a hundred 55-gallon drums full of explosives while he was locked up in the joint. You know why? Because he has a freaking crew. I know, everyone in town is corrupt, you don’t even trust the DA, well if that’s the case, then recruit out of town. You have plenty of money. You don’t think people would jump at the opportunity to work with you right out of college? There are thousands of Iraq War veterans who already have plenty of combat training who’d be perfect for this job. If you play your cards right there is probably a tax write-off in there too. For eighty grand a year, plus health insurance and a rock solid 401k, I’m sure you can get people who are more than qualified. I’ve even come up with a few things you can do to save for that extra cash. Like, do you really need a 200-foot long conference table? And your garage, does the entire ceiling need to light up? Consider going green, you could save a lot of money and help the environment.

GO UNDER COVER WITH THE MOB
Apparently there are a lot of different Mobs in Gotham City. From what I’ve seen, they seem pretty easy to spot considering they so easily fit into stereotypes. Now, I know going undercover probably takes a lot of time and is really hard, especially in such a crime ridden city as Gotham, but these are the dumbest criminals I ever seen. First of all, they all keep their money, not in a Swiss bank account or some off-shore account but in uninsured banks run by the mob? I don’t have that much in savings myself, but believe me, my stuff is insured by the Federal Government. And the money doesn’t get laundered, it just sits in a large pile in the middle of the bank? At most banks when you deposit money that money goes into the bank system and then it turns into a number in a computer. Unfortunately for the mobsters, their banks just store the physical cash instead of laundering it through the system. If they aren’t smart enough to put their money in an off shore account, I’m sure they aren’t smart enough to sniff out an undercover cop.

GET BACK TO BASIC POLICE WORK
I don’t want to be too much of a Monday morning quarterback here, but you really messed up that Joker case. I didn’t see any real police investigating going on. I saw a lot of “Hey, check me out, I’m standing on top of a building looking really cool.” I know you have great vision and all, but looking for the Joker while standing on top of a building seems like a long shot to me. Here’s an idea. If you’re looking for a guy who wears a purple suit with a purple shirt and gloves, it would be a good idea to check with the local tailors. His suit has to be custom made. It’s the only thing he wears, so he has to have a regular tailor. Don’t you think that tailor would have some contact info for him? I mean dude wears purple gloves? Who the hell sells purple gloves for men? There can’t be more than one or two in all of Gotham. I’m not saying it would have broken the case wide open, but a little bit of basic police investigating would have helped.

BE INCONSPICUIOUS
Is the "bat" suit really working? I’m sure it’s intimidating and all when you first roll up on the scene. And I’m sure the suit helps with the gadgets, but really it makes you seem like you’re better than the rest of the police force. Come on, if you really want to fight crime, would you come up with an entire name, marketing campaign and logo? You are not about stopping crime, you are about self-promoting. You’re the Terrell Owens of crime fighters. Winning is only good if you’re the center of attention. Maybe, just maybe, if you were a little more inconspicuous the Joker wouldn’t have targeted you in the first place. Let’s just say you didn’t have a name, didn’t dress up like a “Bat” and just went around town fighting crime. Wouldn’t that help the police force’s self-esteem and image. Don’t you think that alone would make the streets safer?

RUN FOR OFFICE
You’re a good-looking billionaire with a lot of extra time on your hands who claims he wants to fight crime. You’ve concluded that since your city is so corrupt, the best way to spend your money fighting crime is to spend it on suits, vehicles and gadgets. While that might seem logical for a kid with a trust fund, here’s an idea from a guy who went to community college: run for Mayor. You’re good looking, charismatic, and most importantly rich! You have exactly what it takes to run a good campaign, including a ringing endorsement from the chief of police. If you reveal you are Batman, you can run on the premise of stopping crime. Then once you’re Mayor you can weed out all of the corrupt people. This seems like a no-brainer.

BANK SECRUITY
Gotham’s banks must have the worst security of any banks in the world. Sure, the Joker breaking into the first one and driving out in a line of school buses is one thing, but what about Lau, the mob accountant, (more proof the mobs are really dumb, they all use the same accountant? For a town that is so corrupt you figure there’d be more mobs accountants to choose from) who was able to steal hundreds of millions of dollars from half dozen banks or so at the same time. By the way, if LAU, can easily just steal the money from these banks, why does he need to make a deal with the mob guys? He’s already in Hong Kong, why doesn’t he just keep the money and chill out? Isn’t making a deal with his former bosses, who he just screwed over, to great a risk. Okay, let’s say he knows his bosses really well and knows his bosses won’t try to kill him for stealing their money and trying to sell half of it back to them. Then why doesn’t Lau just steal money from another bank that doesn’t have mob money? He’s a really good bank robber and seems to be able to move the cash overseas really easily. Or is he just good at robbing Gotham City banks because the security is so poor? Either way, spending some of your billions of dollars on upgrading those bank security systems wouldn’t be the worst idea.

LEARN FROM THE JOKER
I know you aren’t the most social guy in the world, so maybe you should take a look at the Joker’s recruiting practices. The dude is freaking crazy, has green hair and runny make up all of his face and is still able to go out and recruit really solid guys. Not to mention, he kills all of them. He has to be the best recruiter/pitchman in the world. I don’t know too many people who’d be willing to work for someone if they knew they were going to die at the end of the job. He has new guys every day. You must be able to find one of the guys he didn’t kill and question him about the Joker’s recruiting tactics. Seriously, if you could recruit like that, you’d have a really solid team working for you and the streets would be cleaned up in less than six months.

MOVE
That’s right, get out of town. You are personally responsible for at least five innocent people dying, not to mention all the criminals that died because of your actions or the millions of dollars in damages you cause by driving that car around town. The Joker even stated that the only reason he was doing what he was doing was because of you. No Batman, no Joker. Take off your freaking mask already and move.

DON’T CALL IT A COME BACK

2009-01-17T18:53:00.001-08:00

On Saturday I went skateboarding for the first time in over three years. Let’s just say, things seemed a little different than they did back in the day. The following are true events from Saturday January 17, 2009. YOU KNOW YOU HAVEN’T BEEN SKATEBOARDING IN A LONG TIME WHEN…

You take out your board and it’s delaminated.

You pull out your only skate shirt and realize the company’s been out of business for ten years.

You don’t go skating for fun. You are going for “cardio” so you can lose weight.

You actually google “How many calories does skate boarding burn”. (282 per hour.)

You aren’t happy about the selection of your shoes after you’ve changed them two times. You don’t want your “cool” skate vans to get messed up but the ones you don’t care about look lame. And the cool ones that you don’t care about don’t feel right on your feet. After fifteen minutes of pondering, you decide to suck it up and go with the lame ones. If this come back doesn’t last at least you won’t be out a pair of really cool vans that make you look like you skate.

After finally deciding on an old skate video to watch and get you pumped up, you realize you can’t watch it because you don’t own a VCR anymore.

You tell your wife you’re going skating and she says “make sure you keep your phone with you in case you get hurt”.

Instead of going to Venice Beach where there is a lot of flat ground to get your legs back, you Google skateparks and decide to go to the one in East LA because you know the chances of running into someone you know are super slim.

Your back hurts before you leave your apartment.

You are surprised you can ollie axl stall on the curb out front of your apartment.

You ollie, your back foot comes off the tail about eight inches but the tail is only about four inches off the ground.

You go by Starbucks because you need a pick me up before you actually go skating.

Your sister calls and you tell her you’re going skating she says “You mean, Ice Skating?”

You arrive at the skate park and realize that most of the park is transitions and pools. Like, really steep transitions. Like the six foot high quarter pipes have six foot transitions. Like so steep for a split second you think you see Steve Alba. You decide that transitions weren’t always your strong suit.

You skate out of the park with out doing one trick or dropping in.

You get into your car and drive down the street and think that the curb out front of your apartment is pretty challenging.

Just down the street from the skatepark, you see an elementary school with smooth payment. To get into the mood to skate some serious street action you put in a GANG STARR cd. You conclude you’re a city guy and the streets is where you belong.

You are nervous to do a U-Turn because you are not sure it’s legal in this part of Los Angeles. So you drive around the block.

You think that you might get busted skating the elementary school so you decide to skate the park after all.

You are the only one skating the shallow end that is old enough to drive.

You have no idea how kids can skate in such tight jeans.

You realize you are the only one that brought a water bottle from home to keep you hydrated.

No little kids ask if you are sponsored.

A kid in junior high gives you the first courtesy clap you can remember, after it takes you four tries to ollie over the hip. Normally a clap is born out of excitement for a particularly difficult type of trick. But if that skater is not able to do tricks that are difficult, people will clap when you are able to land tricks that appear to be difficult to your ability. Kind of like clapping when a four year old eats all their vegetables.

You are super stoked for landing a sketchy kickflip on what is your first attempt. Not technically your first attempt, the first five you were too scared to jump on the board.

A little kid asks you how long you’ve been skating and you say “you don’t want to know”

After what amounts to a lot better session than it started, you go back to your car and check the time and think your phone must be broken because you thought you were skating for way longer than an hour.

You call your wife and she is relived that you are not hurt.

EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THE GREAT AMERICAN PITCH FEST *But were afraid to ask.

2008-06-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

I woke up Friday Morning hung over and unemployed. Relax, don’t feel bad for me. I was hung over because I was having a late dinner on the westside with some potential buyers of my latest screenplay. That’s right, making deals. Connections. Networking. It’s all who you know. They wanted to buy my script for a low three figures and then totally re-write it because they liked the idea, but didn’t like the script. What a deal! I was still mulling the generous offer when the temperature in my apartment reached 93 degrees.

So, I decided to test the air conditioning at the Marriott Convention Center, site of this years Great American Pitch Fest. And let me tell you, they did not disappoint. It was amazing. World class. Probably the best A.C. in the Burbank area.

Besides having a fancy title, The Great American Pitch Fest is a place where screenwriters go to pitch their ideas and take classes from agents, script consultants, and writers. On Friday and Saturday they had FREE SEMINARS. Then on Sunday, the people that paid $350 get up to 20 five minute meetings with production company assistants, I mean executives.

I was just starting to come down from my A.C. high when I decided to check out some of the vendor tables. Most of them were for script consultants. For a small fee of $400 or so, they will tell you what they think of your script. It seemed like EVERYONE was a script consultant. I guess telling people what is wrong with their scripts is more of a lucrative business than actually writing scripts. Everything that had to do with screenwriting was for sale. From books to brads to script covers. They had software to write your script, to budget your script, to even storyboard your script. My favorite item was the hammer to pound your script flat. This is for people who have difficulty bending the brad back up against the paper. This seemed like something I needed. The only problem was, I didn’t want to be the guy that says “Honey, have you seen my script hammer? I have turn in this script today, but I just can’t until I hammer my script flat!”

I strolled into my first seminar; “How to fill out a one sheet”, with a few homies from my writing group. I guess that made us like a gang. I felt like we were in the beginning of The Warriors. All traveling somewhere to hear a great mind like Sirus speak. Only this was better than The Warriors; we had air conditioning. We were like four deep. I suggested we make shirts or jackets so that everyone knew we were a part of the same gang. Unfortunately, no one else thought it was a good idea.

We each were handed a fill in the blank questionnaire about our scripts. We soon realized that this class was for people who were pitching on Sunday. Since pitching required money, we weren’t doing that. So we thought about leaving and coming back, but why waste good A.C. The speaker for that session was Babz, a literary agent from the movie making metropolis of Sacramento. Wow, finally someone that was going to give us an insight into Hollywood! While Babz worked out of Sac Town, a lot of her sentences ended with “I don’t care, I’m from New York!” She didn’t like using the microphone, she preferred to yell. Luckily for us, Babz didn’t spend much time telling us how to fill out the sheet, but she did tell us how important it was to have one. This was just as important as our script, she said. I always thought a one sheet was a movie poster, but I was wrong. Babz told us that it’s a sheet of paper that has your log line, synopsis, contact info and a photograph that embodies your script. “If it’s a romantic comedy, put in a picture of a sunset or a rainbow”. This caused quite a fuss as there must have been a half dozen questions about which photo was best for each genre. This seemed pretty simple, but then someone asked if a one sheet was one sided or two side. She went over several combinations “You can put your picture on one side and your synopsis and log line on another, but not two ideas on one paper”. Babz loves one sheets so much, she’d rather have those sent to her than scripts. But what does Babz love more than one sheets? Beat sheets. She said if we talked to her and we knew what a beat sheet was, then she’d think we were professionals. She was going to tell us about beat sheets, but instead spent much of her time telling us about the key to getting your script sold. This was why we were here and we were going to get it in the first seminar! Her advice? Write a really good script. We had to use really descriptive words, without typos. The material had to be original and different but follow all the screenwriting rules. We left with our plethora of new information and rushed to the next seminar. Fortunately for us, this was not the last time we’d hear from Babz.

Our next Seminar was with a long time literary agent. She was a nice older Jewish Lady. She was there to discuss the BUSINESS side of screenwriting. She told us how hard agents work for us. How we should trust them. How important it is to form a relationship with an assistant. How to get an agent? Network. Come to places like the Great American Pitch Fest. One step ahead of the program lady. She told us to be clean. She told us to dress nice. She even told us to be nice. She said “Don’t be shy”, but also we “have to know when to shut up.” I furiously wrote down all the notes. I never thought about taking a shower before a meeting.

Luckily, Babz was in the room for most of the session. She’d yell out “uh huh, that’s right, you got it” when she agreed with something. I made sure to underline those parts in my notes. She seemed to agree with most of her writing advice; write a really good original script with no typos. I’m glad Babz left right before the nice Jewish Lady told us never to use an agent outside of Los Angeles. The nice Jewish Lady wouldn’t have stood a chance against Babz.

Then, for some unknown reason, people started shouting out where they were from. It was like a contest to see who came the furthest. Los Feliz wasn’t exactly a contender. The winner was Germany. Wow. And I was pissed about the $12 parking. Then came the most entertaining part of all the seminars, the question and answer session. The questions can break down into several categories:

The normal question:
“What is the difference between an agent and a manager?”

The, it has already been answered a hundred times during the seminar, question:
“What if your script is really good, but it has typos, does that matter?”

The, I already know the answer but I want to show off to the room, question:
“I wrote a book, is this a good place to try and option it?”

The, I hope deep down inside that you answer this question the way I want or it’ll ruin my entire freaking world, question:
“Can I live in Alaska and be a screenwriter?”

The, I know a bunch of information I should probably tell the entire seminar question, that’s not a really question.
“Yeah guys, I’ve been to that website. It’s really good. Also, Creative Screenwriting is good too.”

The, I must be really smart but have the worst freaking networking skills on the planet, question:
“I’ve directed several episodes of ER for NBC and a few other television shows. How do I get an agent?”

The, I’m out of my freaking mind, question:
“Pretend you’re me. It’s the year 2150. You’re on another planet and you open a diner. What do you think?”

After the seminar we ran into my boy Richie. A former/current member of our writing gang. Richie knows everyone and everything that is going on in the screenwriting/seminar world, so it was no surprise when he bumped into Pilar Alesandro in the hallway. Pilar is kind of a celebrity in the screenwriting seminar/script consultant circles. She has a webpage and even does a podcast. I tried to act like it was no big deal, but I must admit, it was pretty freaking cool to be standing near her while Richie chatted with her. It's all about networking.

The next day started at 9am. We scattered to different seminars. I decided to go to the “10 Things A Reader Hates”. A reader is a freelance person who is a struggling writer who reads scripts for very little pay and is always tired. On the rare occasion they think your script is worthy, they will give it a consider grade. This means that someone at the studio/production company/agency who is a full time employee will read it next! This class was very informative. I also had the benefit of having Babz sitting directly behind me so I could hear every “Amen Sister, you said it, uh-huh” that came out of her mouth. Babz loved this seminar so much she could barely stay in her seat. I don’t want to go into the entire list, but the number one thing a reader hates? Typos. Her advice to us on how to get our scripts sold? Write a really good script. She said “screenwriting is mathematical, just follow all the rules." She then said in the same breath, “but it must be original and don’t be afraid to break the rules”. Some pretty sound advice if you ask me.

Then we did the most fun thing of the entire pitch fest. The speaker passed out the first ten pages of a real script she covered. We were supposed to find the mistakes. Just like a real reader. Well, there were spelling mistakes, misplaced punctuation, and bad capitalization in almost every sentence. It was as if the writer closed their eyes and put on a pair of ski gloves to type. Everyone loved this so much they started shouting, “Oh my God. I can’t believe this! This is ridiculous!” It was such a rush to laugh and make fun of other peoples work. It was like a shot of testosterone to our self-esteem.

Riding on our “people who make typos are stupid” high, we rushed over to the next seminar. Even though we were a half an hour early, we had to wait in line and hope to get in because we didn’t pay to guarantee ourselves a spot. This was the most hyped and crowded seminar of the fest. The speaker? The one and only Blake Snyder. The guy who INVENTED THE BEAT SHEET. Remember the thing Babz said was more important than one sheets and scripts? Everyone said he’s the new Syd Field. Those are some serious words my friend. Syd Field is the Super Mario Brothers of screenwriting book authors/seminar speakers. If Blake Snyder is the new Sid Field, then he must be the Grand Theft Auto of screenwriting book authors/seminar speakers.

When Blake arrived on stage, the audience erupted in cheers. He was so giddy. Unfortunately, we didn’t discuss the beat sheet. His main focus was log lines. He said log lines are the most important thing in the entire world. He even gave out his email and encouraged people to send him log lines so that he could comment on them. The guy loves log lines so much at one point I thought he was talking about blow jobs.

He said if you have a fantastic log line, then you could have a really fantastic script. A log line must be interesting, simple, ironic and convey the story, but not the ending. It must include a protagonist, an antagonist, a sense of conflict and a sense audience. He gave us examples of excellent films that had interesting log lines but had horrible advertising, “The Island” and “Just like Heaven”. He must know what he’s talking about.

My mind was racing with new log lines when I stepped into my final seminar “Indie vs. Studio Smackdown” TJ Lynch, an independent screenwriter squared off against Paul Guay, a studio screenwriter. I love independent film, so I was rooting for TJ. Paul wrote Liar, Liar and worked consistently. He loves studio films and doesn’t feel that he’s a “whore”. TJ couldn’t stop gushing over how brilliant the idea was for Liar, Liar. TJ wasn’t putting up much of a fight. TJ won a bunch of screenwriting awards. Even the Nichol Fellowship, the Heisman Trophy of un-produced screenplay awards. He talked about how hard it was to get a film made when the script is low concept and personal. He did get a film produced though, but it didn’t make any money. Someone asked how he makes a living? He said his wife has a very good paying job. And the winner by knock out in the first round: the studio. Luckily, Babz was there to ask all the important questions “I’m an Agent. Please explain to them, because no one believes me, how good does your script have to be?” They said that our screenplay has to be better than the professionals. This was followed up by “It’s a miracle if any movie gets through the system.” It won’t be a miracle for me, I know how to write a one sheet.

Los Angeles Film Festival

2008-06-15T18:50:00.000-07:00

The Los Angeles Film Festival starts this week and I'm making it a priority to go. Below are the films that are of interest to me. If anyone is interested in seeing any of these films, or if there are other films you want to see, let me know. Click on the name of the film to see the trailer.

MEDICINE FOR MELANCHOLY
Friday, June 20th 9:45pm The Landmark
Monday, June 23rd 7:00pm The Regent
Tuesday, June 24th 2:00pm The Regent
(USA, 2008, 87 mins)
HD-CAM (23.97)
Directed By: Barry Jenkins
Writer: Barry Jenkins
Producers: Justin Barber, Cherie Saulter
Cinematographer: James Laxton
Editor: Nat Sanders
Music Supervisor: Greg O'Bryant
Cast: Wyatt Cenac, Tracey Heggins

In writer/director Barry Jenkins' assured feature debut, the mortifying, morning-after awkwardness of a one-night stand gives way to an expansive, engaged take on love, politics, and race in the big city.

When Micah and Jo stumble into the brightness of a sunny San Francisco day after a New Year's Eve hook-up, she can't wait to escape the uncomfortable silence, but a shared cab ride and a lost wallet soon bring a well-intentioned Micah to her front door. As caution turns to curiosity, the young African-American couple sets off on a romantic ramble through eclectic neighborhoods and their own lives as they swap views on everything from the meaning of blackness to letting go of heartbreak.

Jenkins grounds the couple's voluminous exchanges, by turns sharp and playful, in a deeply rooted sense of place, matching every personal revelation with an equally fresh pedestrian's eye-view of San Francisco in a loving ode to this most cinematic of cities.

CHOKE
Monday, June 23rd 9:45pm Majestic Crest Theatre
Wednesday, June 25th 4:30pm The Landmark
(USA, 2008, 97 mins)
Directed By: Clark Gregg
Writer: Clark Gregg
Producers: Beau Flynn, Tripp Vinson, Jonathan Dorfman, Temple Fennell
Based on Novel by: Chuck Palahniuk
Cast: Sam Rockwell, Anjelica Huston, Kelly Macdonald, Brad William Henke, Clark Gregg

Victor Mancini is a man of many compulsions. While not hooking up at sex-addict meetings or trying to avoid stints in the stockade at the Colonial theme park where he works, he seeks connection by pretending to choke in restaurants in order to let people rescue him. It would be easy for Victor to blame his problems on an erratic childhood and to be really mad at his eccentric mother if she weren't losing her mind and consigned to a medical facility.

For his directorial debut, Clark Gregg adapted this twisted comedy from the novel by cult author Chuck Palahniuk, gamely taking on all manner of uncomfortable moments—from the raunchy to the just plain bizarre—in ways that are often feverishly funny. Showing a sure hand with his fellow actors, Gregg provides a vital heart for his film by eliciting another wonderfully idiosyncratic performance from Sam Rockwell as a man constantly battling his own worst impulses.

MADE IN AMERICA
Friday, June 27th 8:00pm California Plaza
Free Screening
(USA, 2008, 92 mins)
HD-CAM (23.97)
Directed By: Stacy Peralta
Writers: Stacy Peralta, Sam George
Producers: Baron Davis, Dan Halsted, Stacy Peralta, Jesse Dylan
Executive Producers: Steve Luczo, Quincy QD3 Jones
Cinematographer: Tony Hardmon
Editor: T.J. Mahar
Music: Kamasi Washington
Featuring: Ron Wilkins, Bird, Kumasi, Jim Brown, Terry Goudeau, Gee Active

With an outsider's inquisitive concern, Stacy Peralta continues his seasoned investigations into male subcultures to chronicle the emergence of South Central Los Angeles' Crips and Bloods.

Narrated by Forest Whitaker, Made in America places rare archival footage alongside critical interviews with former members and scholars to trace the demoralizing impact of deflated economic opportunities for black communities after WWII and the calculated incarceration and assassination of black political leaders during the 1960s. With black populations cordoned off into segregated locales, L.A. officials then systematically squashed community life and political resistance—leaving young black men to form their own systems of kinship and governance. Fueled by a dehumanizing cycle of economic and political alienation, the 30-year-long daily cycle of neighborhood skirmishes has claimed over 15,000 lives.

Energetic, well researched, and skillfully constructed, Peralta's film provocatively argues that the block-by-block gang warfare that has been holding black communities captive for decades is distinctively American made.

MOMMA'S MAN
Saturday, June 21st 7:30pm The Landmark
Wednesday, June 25th 10:00pm AMC Avco Center
(USA, 2008, 94 mins)
35mm
Directed By: Azazel Jacobs
Writer: Azazel Jacobs
Producers: Hunter Gray, Alex Orlovsky
Executive Producers: Paul Mezey, Tyler Brodie
Cinematographer: Tobias Datum
Editor: Darrin Navarro
Music: Mandy Hoffman (composer), Joe Rudge (music supervisor)
Cast: Matt Boren, Flo Jacobs, Ken Jacobs, Richard Edson, Dana Varon, Nan Arcilesi, Eleanor Hutchins, Piero Arcilesi

In writer-director Azazel Jacobs' latest, a man finds himself unable to leave his parents' New York City home after a visit, seemingly paralyzed by anxiety over returning to his pregnant wife and the oncoming responsibilities the next phase of life will bring.

In a move at once hilarious and subtly touching, Jacobs cast his own parents (his father is legendary underground filmmaker Ken Jacobs) and uses the downtown loft apartment he grew up in—a curio-cabinet funhouse you simply have to see to believe—as his main set.

As a welcome rejoinder to the man-boys who seem to have overtaken American cinema of late, Momma's Man is both a funny and trenchant look at the current problem of adults who can't face growing up, but also a tribute to the waning bohemian wonderland fast disappearing not just from lower Manhattan, but the larger landscape of American culture.

PAPER OR PLASTIC?
Friday, June 20th 7:30pm The Regent
Sunday, June 22nd 1:30pm The Landmark
Wednesday, June 25th 4:00pm Mann Festival Theatre
(USA, 2008, 80 mins)
DigiBeta - NTSC, HDCAM - NTSC, HD-C
World Premiere
Directed By: Justine Jacob,Alex D. da Silva
Producer: Justine Jacob
Executive Producers: Oren Jacob, Graham Walters
Cinematographer: Alex D. da Silva
Editors: Garret Savage, Andrew Gersh
Music: Marco d'Ambrosio

You never know where the stars are," beams the president of the National Grocers Association on the eve of their annual bagging competition in Las Vegas. Paper or Plastic? follows eight state champions from across the country, ranging from rural housewives to ambitious immigrants to awkward teens, each with their own thirst to claim the Best Bagger title in the ultimate supermarket sweep.

Alex D. da Silva and Justine Jacob's fleet and earnest documentary cheers on these grocery gladiators as they duke it out over speed, weight distribution, and the x-factor of “crushability” in a flick as packed with goodies as a shopping spree. The challengers' enthusiasm is real, their need to win clear, and their nerves jangling as the uncompromising judges pick the national champion while the crowd goes wild watching the white bread get carefully but commandingly stacked on top of the six-pack in this celebration of individuality and the spirit of the American working class.

THE PLEASURE OF BEING ROBBED
Sunday, June 22nd 4:00pm The Landmark
Tuesday, June 24th 4:30pm The Regent
Wednesday, June 25th 9:45pm The Regent
(USA, 2008, 70 mins)
35mm
Directed By: Josh Safdie
Writers: Josh Safdie, Eléonore Hendricks
Producers: Josh Safdie, Brett Jutkiewicz, Zachary Treitz, Sam Lisenco
Executive Producers: Andy Spade, Casey Neistat
Cinematographer: Brett Jutkiewicz
Editors: Brett Jutkiewicz, Josh Safdie, Benny Safdie
Music: Haruki Naginata, The Beets, Tiny Seas, Alex Billig, Stephen Valand, Carson Werner
Cast: Eléonore Hendricks, Josh Safdie, Wayne Cin, Batman, Jordan Zaldez, Jerry Damons, Andy Spade, Alex Greenblatt, Gary Greenblatt

An amateur thief coasts her way through New York City in Josh Safdie's ephemeral delight of a film. It's hard to tell if young Eléonore is looking for someone to talk to or steal from; the social and the antisocial seem utterly interchangeable as she interacts with strangers, animals, an old friend, and the police.

Like his purse-snatching, ever-drifting heroine, Safdie knows that success is in sleight-of-hand, and so his vision of cinema is filled with magic and movement, of fragile, seemingly spontaneous moments that surprise at every turn. The film's 16mm images lend it a warmth and texture missing in digital video, while its structure is as deceivingly simple as the Thelonius Monk tune it borrows. It's no surprise that The Pleasure of Being Robbed was the only American feature chosen this year for Cannes' prestigious Directors Fortnight section; this sweet-natured ramble invokes Celine and Julie, Rivette and Eustache, and others for whom cinema is magic.

THE WACKNESS
Tuesday, June 24th 7:00pm Majestic Crest Theatre
Wednesday, June 25th 4:30pm AMC Avco Center
(USA, 2007, 96 mins)
35mm
Directed By: Jonathan Levine
Writer: Jonathan Levine
Producers: Keith Calder, Felipe Marino, Joe Neurauter
Co-Producer: Brian Udovich
Cinematographer: Petra Korner
Editor: Josh Noyes
Music: David Torn
Cast: Josh Peck, Sir Ben Kingsley, Famke Janssen, Olivia Thirlby, Mary-Kate Olsen, Method Man, Jane Adams

Where were you in the summer of 1994?

Though for some it may seem painfully soon to be sitting through a '90s-nostalgia movie, writer and director Jonathan Levine brings those maybe not-so-bygone days of mixtapes and mad flavor back to life in this story of a New York City teenager who copes with the usual problems of girls and growing up while also slinging weed and trying to keep his middle-class family from getting evicted.

Levine captures the sense of freedom and fantasy that underlines summer vacation, when it seems getting in a little trouble is half the idea, while also portraying the nervous anxiety that is often the root of the youthful swagger in adolescent males. Add an outrageous dope-smoking therapist played by Ben Kingsley alongside the central performances of Josh Peck and Juno's Olivia Thirlby, and this freewheeling farce plays as anything but, well, wack.

BAGHEAD
Friday, June 20th 10:00pm Mann Festival Theatre
Friday, June 27th 4:45pm The Landmark
(USA, 2007, 81 mins)
35mm
Directed By: Mark Duplass,Jay Duplass
Writers: Mark Duplass, Jay Duplass
Producers: John Bryant, Mark Duplass, Jay Duplass
Cinematographer: Jay Duplass
Editor: Jay Deuby
Cast: Steve Zissis, Ross Partridge, Greta Gerwig, Elise Muller

It's hard to say what's more surprising in the latest film from brothers Mark and Jay Duplass, that a film this funny can also be so scary or whether it's the other way around. In the follow-up to their low-key success The Puffy Chair, the Duplass brothers tell the story of, naturally, two brothers who convince two women (including rising indie darling Greta Gerwig) to join them at their secluded family cabin for the purposes of making a film in one weekend. When it seems they are genuinely being stalked—by someone with a paper bag on his head, which is alternately ridiculous and genuinely creepy—they don't know whether to feel frightened or just stupid.

Fresh and freewheeling, Baghead seems at first glance to be slightly haphazard, but reveals itself to be slyly sophisticated, a deft mix of indie comedy and homegrown horror. You won't know whether to laugh out loud or jump in your seat—be ready for both.

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BARACK

2008-05-17T01:58:00.000-07:00

The graphics aren't the best, but it's very well done.

RANDOPHOBIA

2008-05-15T14:14:00.000-07:00

The last time someone stared at me like that, I got punched in the stomach. That is what I thought as I entered a coffee shop and this dude starred at me like he was in the desert for four days and I was a glass of water.

I got kind of a two second staring rule. I turn away after two seconds. For fear that someone will say those magic fun words "What the F*@K are you staring at?". Nothing usually good happens when someone says those words. So when this dude stared at me for a full 6-7 seconds, I felt a little awkward.

I don't want to jump to conclusions or anything but I think he might have been gay. Why do I think he was gay, well he had a bleached blonde spiked mohawk and he wore cargo shorts with cowboy boots and a silver serpent belt buckle. He also kind of stuck out his ass when he walked. You're right. I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I could just be behind the times, and cowboy boots with cargo shorts could be really in style for straight guys. And maybe he has a back problem that makes him walk with his ass sticking out. (FYI: I actually googled that and came up with nothing, if you find that there is a back problem that makes your ass do that, email me and I'll fix the post.) Or maybe that's just what wearing cowboy boots with shorts makes your ass look like, cause honestly it's not a look I've seen a lot. So, straight or gay, he's ahead of the fashion curve.

If he was gay, was he staring at me because he thought I was attractive. I have cut my drinking down to five nights a week and I did have a salad instead of fries with my cheeseburger at lunch last week, so maybe... just maybe... I'm looking pretty good these days. I also did join the gym about a month ago, even though I've only been twice, it's the thought that counts.

Honestly, I don’t think he was attracted to me, because there are a lot of gay guys that go to my gym and none of them stare at me. You’re right, maybe they aren’t gay, maybe it’s a big coincidence the ratio at my gym is eight guys to every one woman and most of those guys are in REALLY good shape and have effeminate mannerisms. The thing is it’s hard to compare attractive at the gym versus attractive at the coffee shop. In Starbucks at 6:30am I’m feeling pretty confident in my mild attractiveness. In the gym at 5:30 in the afternoon lifting weights staring into the mirror next to other guys that go to the gym every day, the confidence kind of takes a hit.

I did look back at him. Maybe he was thinking I was gay and I was interested in him? Just maybe he was nervous cause he thought I was gay? I don’t know, he didn’t look so nervous. His stare was pretty confident.

I remember when I was younger I use to try and stare at girls to see if they'd stare back. If they did stare back that meant that they liked me. This never really worked for me. On the rare occasion that a girl stared back for more than two seconds I always thought "now I don’t know if they are looking at me cause they like me or are they looking back and they are laughing at me because they think I’m a psycho creep.”

I didn’t even know the stare was an option when I nabbed my first girlfriend. Well, it was more like she nabbed me. I was 10 years old. My Mom and I lived in an apartment complex. This one day this older girl, let’s call her “JANE” to protect her identity, came up to me and said “You and I are going out”. I was in the 5th grade and she was in 8th grade. My only sexual experience up to that point was pressing slow motion on the BETA MAX as Tom Cruise had sex with Rebecca De Mornay on a set of stairs in the film “Risky Business”. So I assumed she was a little more experienced than me when she proceeded to shove her tongue down my throat. I didn't know what tongue kissing was and wasn't really that into girls but Jane was kind of in control of the relationship.

We made out a couple of times and she said we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Honestly I could have taken it or left it at that age. I would have had just as much enjoyment playing Ninja. That is probably what I should have been doing when I walked through the school playground on a Saturday by myself and I was approached by a couple of older dudes.

This one dude said to me “Hey, are you going out with Jane”. Being the out going guy that I was, I think I said “I guess”.

This is when dude walked toward me and stared at me right in the face and then asked me the most compelling question I’d ever been asked up to that date “When you kiss her do you get a boner?”

Now, I wasn't exactly experienced at making out or getting boners so I was stuck in quite a quandary. The way this dude was staring at me, I definitely wanted to make sure I got the right answer. I remember thinking If I say "No I don't get boners", then he's going to call me GAY. Which, when you are 10 and it's 1983, is probably the worst thing someone could call you. Then again If I did say “yes, I get a boner”, then is he going to make fun of me because I get a boner too easily and I'm not man enough. (this was of course before I went through puberty and had a boner that probably last about 5 1/2 years from about 1985-1991.)

So I thought really hard. I had to come up with the perfect answer. The problem was, there was no perfect answer. I was too nervous. I was too scared. All I could come up with was "uugggghhhhhh".

This apparently was not the correct answer to the question because the next thing he did was punch me in the stomach really, really hard. I remember falling to me knees then thinking that I should probably not take breathing for granted anymore. As you might have guessed it was quite a while before I thought about getting anymore boners. So you can understand my concern when Blonde Mohawk broke my two second stare rule.

A REAL JEW

2008-04-19T15:57:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don’t know, I’m Jewish. According to Jewish Law, if your Mother is Jewish, that makes you Jewish. This evening I will be celebrating a formal Passover dinner for what I believe is the first time. I’m not going because I’m Jewish, I’m going because I’m invited.

I didn’t grow up realizing I was Jewish. We weren’t exactly what you’d call a religious family. My Father never mentioned religion to me growing up, but I do remember him using the word “God” a lot. But it was usually paired with other words like “Damn” or “ Almighty” or my least favorite out of the bunch “Damn it boy”. My Mom grew up in a Jewish family and in a Jewish neighborhood in Boston. I remember for about a year or so when I was like 7 or 8 she tried to involve my sister and I in Hanukkah rituals. We didn’t exchange gifts or anything, but I do remember we did light the menorah. I also vaguely remember eating fried matzah. This didn’t last too long as I’m sure my sister and I didn’t complain the entire time.

I never thought of myself as Jewish. I didn’t know any Jewish people growing up. I didn’t feel any different than anyone else I knew. I didn’t get picked on when I was a kid because I was Jewish. I got picked on when I was a kid because I was a loser with a smart mouth.

Is Judaism a religion or is it a race? Because if I’m Jewish by law it’s because of race, because I certainly don’t practice it. Come to think of it, I don’t practice much. Why is it called practice? Do you get better at as time goes bye? Like is the Pope the hardest practicing Catholic in the world? Does he get up at 5am just to read from the bible? Madonna wasn’t born Jewish, but she all of a sudden became Jewish. Was it because she practiced really hard? Maybe I’m a natural Jew who doesn’t need to practice, kind of Allen Iverson, and Madonna is not a natural Jew so she needs a lot of practice, kind of like Manu Ginobili.

I never even thought about being Jewish until I moved to Los Angeles. I remember working on a film and having this comfortable conversation with the an assistant editor:

ASST. EDITOR “What are you doing this weekend?"
ME: “Nothing much.”
ASST. EDITOR “Jewish?”
ME: “huh?”
ASST. EDITOR “You’re Jewish right?”
ME: “Um, I guess.”
ASST. EDITOR: “What is there to guess about, it’s just Passover. You’re going to celebrate it right?”
ME: “I don’t know, I got a lot stuff going on.”
ASST. EDITOR: “What is there to know, it’s just dinner."
ME: “Yeah, but I’m going to be pretty busy.”
ASST. EDITOR: “Well you gotta find time to eat, right?”
ME: “Yeah sure.”
ASST. EDITOR: “Okay then, you’re celebrating it.”
ME: “It was great talking to you.”

On the off chance I’d find a girl desperate enough to talk to me, they’d ask me if I was Jewish. No one ever did this back east. I’d always answer decisively, “I could be, depending on whether or not that is a good or bad thing.”

Before my wife and I were married, I went to a Christmas Eve dinner at my soon to be Grandmother-in-law’s house. There were dozens of my soon to be relatives. They are all Pentecostal. I don’t know what that means, but I think it’s a division of Christianity. Kind of like the way “Crunk” is a division of Hip-hop. People who don’t listen to hip-hop probably think Lil Jon and Gang Starr are very similar, but to a true hip-hop fan, we know that there’s a huge difference. Soon after I was introduced to my future Grandmother-in-law she asked my future wife “What ethnicity is he?”. My future wife was totally caught off guard and gave this favorable response “He’s a mix.” Thanks honey.

On our way out I said to my future Grandmother-in-Law “Have a Merry Christmas.” Not knowing what to say to a mixed guy like myself, she said “You to…have a…good time…doing your…thing.” I hugged her and whispered in her ear “Assalam alaikum.” It’s a surprise that she didn’t make it to the wedding. (Okay, I didn’t whisper that in her ear but I would have given anything to see her face after that response).

On some occasions I do pray to a God. I don't know if he's a Jewish God or a Christian God or a Muslim God, but I know he's the God who determines which teams in football win or lose. I’ll say “Lord, I don’t ask for much, but if the Washington Redskins win this game I swear I’ll be a super good person for rest of my life!” And to be honest, he hardly ever answers my prayers. What he usually does is torture me with a game that’s really close that it looks like they should win but then they lose at the last second. This throws me in a downward spiral of depression for the next week. Like come on, I don’t ask for anything the entire year, except for every now and then I ask for a touchdown or for Terrell Owens to break his ankle. Really, does he think that this is supposed to make me believe more? I don’t think so. (Do Jewish people call God the Lord? Maybe that’s my problem, I’m praying to the wrong God. Look out, Skins in 2008 baby!)

Needless to say, I'm not very religious, but my favorite entertainers are Jewish. (is that racist? Jewish people are entertaining? Or is that stereotyping? It doesn’t really matter, since I’m Jewish, I can pretty much say what I want!) Seinfeld is my favorite television program. Tony Kornheiser is my favorite columnist. Woody Allen is my favorite filmmaker. And or course Howard Stern is my favorite radio personality. Maybe I’ve got more in common with Jewish people than I thought. Happy Passover or is it Merry Passover who knows, relax, it’s just dinner.

MODERN ROMANCE

2008-04-17T16:27:00.001-07:00

Youtube will be the end of my writing career. It's so easy to get lost watching clips from old movies. Below are some clips from Modern Romance. This is Albert Brooks best film. A lot of people have never heard of him. He is best described as the "west coast Woody Allen". If you like write comedy or like comedy or like to laugh, then you should probably rent this film. In my opinion, it is the most underrated comedy of all time. I will soon be doing a list of my most underrated comedies of all time. This will be on top of my list. For a frame of reference, this film came out in 1981. Please go rent it.

FRONTLINE

2008-03-26T12:18:00.000-07:00

For those of you who missed "Bush's War" on FRONTLINE this week, I suggest you check it out online. Frontline has been doing incredible documentaries on the IRAQ War ever since it began and I think I've seen everyone. "Bush's War" is kind of a best of... so if you haven't seen any of them now is your chance. They really do any amazing job. I have no idea how anyone who has actually seen these documentaries, can say they are LEFT WING PROPAGANDA. This is not a Michael Moore OP-ED style documentary. PBS is so respected they get interviews with all the top players. They weave together a really tight story with great footage and photos. They also stay away from all the Bush cheap shots (which shows major restraint on their part) Also, next Tuesday they are playing another doc. Here is the blurb from the PBS site:

"In June 2007, as the American military surge reached its peak, a band of National Guard infantrymen who call themselves the "Bad Voodoo Platoon" was deployed to Iraq. To capture a vivid, first-person account of the new realities of war in Iraq for FRONTLINE and ITVS director Deborah Scranton (The War Tapes) created a "virtual embed" with the platoon, supplying cameras to the soldiers so they could record and tell the story of their war. The film intimately tracks the veteran soldiers of "Bad Voodoo" through the daily grind of their perilous mission, dodging deadly IEDs, grappling with the political complexities of dealing with Iraqi security forces, and battling their fatigue and their fears.
press release"

I realized watching it last week that this is really my favorite program on television. I'm not really a political junkie. The cable new networks just get someone from the right and someone from the left and get them to yell at each other. Not very interesting television in my opinion. PBS weaves together first class interviews with rich photography and video. Check it out!

AMERICAN ZEPPELIN

2008-01-24T21:48:00.000-08:00

I don't know who DJ DOC ROC is, BUT he severely changed my life with AMERICAN ZEPPELIN. Not to get all Tully on you or anything, but it's easily the best thing I've heard in years. It's a MASH UP album mixing Jay-Z with Zeppelin.

The good thing for us is it's illegal for him to sell it because he didn't get their permission. So, click here to download it for free. Too bad they wouldn't give their permission 'cause I'd easily give them $15 for this album.

THE PHOTO

2008-01-10T12:56:00.000-08:00

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, in this case it’s worth 1054. This is the only photo that exists of all my friends from my teens and early twenties. This photo was taken in early Fall of ’93 by Adam Wallacavage. He just found the original print and sent it to my buddy Jimmy Pelletier who is making a documentary about the DC skate scene. It appeared in the March ’94 Thrasher. That’s me on the right side of the photo wearing the striped shirt. I’m rockin’ the famed Jason Priestly cut. I had just turned twenty years old. This is the only photo that has all the major players, with a few exceptions, from the DC skate scene from about 1987 through the mid 90’s.

It was taken at a place we called Pulaski, but it’s real name is called Freedom Plaza. Why did we call it Pulaski, because there is a statue of General Pulaski at one end of the park. The first crew of skaters who skated there must have called it Pulaski. And it stuck. Once a skate spot is named. It’s named. You can’t change that shit. It’s the rule. It is located on Pennsylvania Ave a couple blocks down from the White House. Skateboarding was illegal in most parts of the city, especially at Pulaski. It still is illegal to this day.

This was our second home. We skated there. We grew up there. We made jokes there. We ran from the cops there. We got drunk there. We got in fights there. Sometimes we slept there. I’m sure some people even got laid there.

This photo was taken when skateboarding was dead. There were no Xgames. There were no skateparks. There were no extreme sports channels. There weren’t even lame sayings like “extreme sports.” You didn’t see fifty year old men wearing skate shoes in the mall. These were the guys that kept it alive in the DC area. We didn’t have any friends outside of this group. No one understood how we could spend all of our time down at this little plaza skateboarding. We couldn’t understand how anybody couldn’t. From the time I was 14 till I was 21 years I went down to this place every Saturday and most Sundays. Not every Saturday you say? Guess what I got on my SATs. Zero. Why? Because I didn’t taken them. Why? Because they have them on Saturdays.

So, naturally I was enrolled at NOVA. The Harvard of Northern Virginia Community Colleges. What was my major? Skateboarding with a minor in malt liquor. The day after the magazine came out I walked into my photo class. All the students were quiet waiting for the teacher to enter. Then came maybe the best question a virtual stranger has ever asked me. The girl next to me said “Did I see you in Thrasher Magazine?”. If you ever want to get in a good mood, have a cute girl ask if you’re in a magazine you’ve seen every single page of for seven years. I don’t remember what my response was but I do remember saying, “Uh” and stuttering a lot. I was about as outgoing as a brick wall. The only exception; when I was with these guys.

By myself I was quiet and shy. With these guys I was totally different. We all were. We were down right obnoxious. You did not want to see these guys show up at your house party. By the time we got done most of your liquor would be gone (drank or probably stolen) all your hip-hop CDs would be missing and some piece of furniture would be ruined.

I can still probably name eighty percent of the people in this photo. All the faces are familiar. We were all friends. A lot of us still are. There was never any rift between us. It was never awkward because you were there and someone wasn’t there. Skateboarding was so obscure back than that when you saw someone with a board you immediately went up and talked to them. They doesn’t happen with football or baseball. We had a tight bond that can still never be broken. We were the most sarcastic pricks you ever met. All we did was make fun of each other and other people. If you said something to one us, that meant that you said it to ALL of us. That usually meant a board flying at your head.

Why was and still is our bond so tight? Because such few people skated. Almost all of us came from single parent or divorced homes. We represented very different economic and social backgrounds. But no one in our home area skated. So we’d come down to Pulaski to skate with the only other people that did. People used to make fun of you if you skated. People would yell “Skate Fag” from their cars. Now if you skateboard and you are half way decent you’re probably getting offers for sex before you graduate from Junior High. It was not like that in my day. Yes, I sound like an old guy talking about how the kids of today have it easy. We made it better for you. Hey Junior. If you are a skater and you are going out with a hot cheerleader in high school, you should be thanking our ass. Otherwise you wouldn’t be getting any ass.

I now live in LA. I no longer skateboard, last time I did was probably two and half years ago. Can’t do it anymore. Severe back pain ensues if I do. And my skills, not a pretty sight. There are not any good spots out here like Pulaski. Oh, right I can go to a skatepark. No thanks. That’s like going to the mall to watch a punk rock concert. Not the same. Plus my crew, maybe consists of 2 guys, max 4.

There are twenty-four tiny little pictures for every second in a movie. That means in a typical two hour movie you are watching 172, 800 pictures. I spend my days trying to write scripts that will get people to be interested in every picture that quickly goes by their eyes. Sometimes it doesn’t take that many. Sometimes it only takes one.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

2008-01-07T19:35:00.000-08:00

I never usually make a list of New Years Resolutions, but considering one of mine is to blog more, I figured I’d give it a shot.

I am just like you. After the first of the year you say to yourself “This year is going to be better than last year.” Which really is discrediting everything that happened last year. So last year, you are nothing compared to all the excitement and joy that is going to fill up this year. Because I’m going to change for the better. I’m going to eat healthy. I’m going to go to the gym. All those resolutions I never reached before in passed years, look out, because they are going to be reached along with an entire new set I haven’t even thought about yet! Don’t worry resolutions. It’s okay. There will be plenty of other people that never reach you. But not me. I’m going to change and be the best person ever!

Really? Probably not. Who changes? Do you know anyone who really changes? My friend Jennifer quit smoking and started running marathons. That’s freaking changing. I quit smoking. But I have yet to run a marathon. It’s even hard for me to drive a marathon with out pulling over to get something to eat or drink. Especially in LA. Drive to the Westside in traffic without stopping? Good luck.

Hopefully, without boring you to tears here is my list:

BE POSITIVE
People say when you are positive good things happen. I really don’t believe any of that. It just makes you happy while your life is miserable. You know how that woman made herself happy who made The Secret? She made a video called The Secret and sold it and made lots of money. If I made a video and made lots of money I’d be happy too. But Resolutions are about change, right? So if I want to change, I’ll have to stop being negative.

JOIN A BOWLING LEAGUE
Life is too short not to bowl. Really it is. My wife got me a bowling ball for Christmas. Think about it. It’s a great source of exercise. You can do it while you drink. You get to meet new people. And you can gamble. There is nothing negative here. Sold. I was in a bowling league when I was 12. Tuesday Night Bowlers at Bowl America in Fairfax Circle. I joined because my Mom was in a league that same night. I was by far the youngest in the group of bowlers. Everyone else was a full blown teenager. Like High School teenager. Like driving Mom’s car teenager. Like experimenting with sex teenager. I was scared out of my mind. The only thing that made me more nervous than a pair of boobs when I was 12, was talking to teenagers. So guess who got picked last. That’s right yours truly. I was on a team with a chick who had crutches because she had a broken leg and dude who got REALLY angry when he didn’t bowl well. Our team didn’t say three words to each other. I don’t even think we had a name. I think people just called us the…. Losers. But guess who came in third place and has a trophy to prove it. Yours truly. (Note to self: Work on pitch regarding group of under privileged kids who, against all odds, wins the state bowling championship and saves a small town from destruction.)

WORK ON PITCHES
I need to have at least two a month. Okay one a month. Bam! I already met my quota for the month. Damn. This staying positive thing is easy.

GET AN AGENT
I have no idea how you to get an agent. A friend of mine said that cold calling works. Really, cold calling? Wouldn’t a root canal be easier? There you go being negative again. I’ll cold call some agents and be really positive when I pitch myself. Nothing makes me happier than talking about how great I am. You know what makes me even happier? Listening to people talk about how great they are. Brutal. This positive thing better work.

GET A NEW DAY JOB
Production blows. Watching people freak out about not getting the right kind of coffee when I was in my twenties was amusing, now it’s pathetic. But on the other hand where can I make this much money with the lack of skills that I have? I can’t. It’s the Golden Handcuff Theory. Or in my case, the Bronze Handcuff theory. You make too much money at a job you don’t like so you aren’t able to do what you love. So the only option is to get another writing gig so I don’t have to get another day job. This list is depressing me already. Be positive. It’ll be easy to get another job that pays me good money without having any skills.

BUY SOMETHING
Buy a house or a condo. Something. Invest. I’m sure once I get into a mortgage it’ll be really easy to find that new day job to pay for it. Stay positive.

GO TO SAN FRANCISCO TO SEE THE REDSKINS
I want to meet my old friend ED $ and all my LA skins fans in SF for next years Redskins game. I have yet to meet ED$ at a road game and this year SF is the best town. Unless we go to Canton to see Darrell Green get inducted into the Hall of Fame. But I’m guessing Canton, Ohio is a blast. To bad we aren’t playing New Orleans next year.

GO ON A TRIP WITH THE WIFE
She deserves a trip. She puts up with me. And it’ll balance out the SF trip with the boys!!!

FINISH CURRENT SCRIPT
I am currently writing a divorce comedy. I am a child of divorce. There are family comedies. How come no divorce comedies? Don’t think divorce is funny? Wait till you read my script bitches! I want to finish this by March. (yeah right)

WRITE TWO MORE SCRIPTS
I need to write some more high concept sellable ideas. Since I’ll be coming up with all these pitches I won’t be hurting for ideas.

SEND OUT FAMILY TRADITION
I have spent too long not to send this thing out. Does this mean more cold calling? Brutal. I’ll just have to make a list of companies. Call them and sell my script. Damn that just sounds so easy when you are positive.

WRITE A TV SHOW WITH THE FULLCHARGE
The Fullcharge and I are writing a pilot together. We already have some things worked out. Slow down. Wait till we finish writing it before you send over your offers. If you have not read his blog about being homeless. Do yourself the favor. Don’t think being homeless is funny? Wait till you read his blog. By the time we finish I’ll probably already have an agent and sold a script so I’m sure selling our little show, that will change the landscape of television forever, will be no problem. You know why? Because I’ll be thinking so positive it’ll happen.

OPEN AN IRA
I was going to open one last year but I didn’t get around to it. Probably because it wasn’t one of my resolutions. You know when you get to see this money again? When you’re 65. You know how old my parents are? Their not 65 yet. Thirty years. That totally seems worth it. No, lets not do that really fun thing now so that maybe, if we live till we are 65, we can have it then, so we can rent an RV and drive to the Grand Canyon. Okay. Positive. You aren’t being positive. Okay. Let’s say I am positive. Then I’m going to be getting an agent, selling scripts and making TV shows. What the hell do I need to put away four grand a year for?

BLOG MORE
Really? Blog more? With the bowling league, the TV show, working on all these scripts, finding a new day job, buying a house, going on two trips, and cold calling everyone in town, do I really have time? I guess if I stay positive I’ll find the time. Like suddenly the earth will shift and suddenly a day will be 33 hours instead of 24.

Taylor Coverage.

2007-12-01T22:55:00.000-08:00

What a week to be a Redskins fan. Our best player was murdered on Monday and we have to play a game on Sunday. (Yes, I said we. I put plenty of time and money into this team, I will say we). Sean was my favorite player on my favorite team. And now he is gone. Gone. I've spent all week reading everything online. I thought about writing all this stuff about Sean and what I thought about him but I just couldn't. I just can't get the words to come out. So here is a list of links to the best articles I've read over the past week.

By far the best reporting and updating has been Washington Post's Redskins Insider. Jason La Confora has the 4th best job in the world, Redskins beat reporter. The other three? Player, Owner, Coach.

The big noise about Sean's coverage has come from Lenonard Shapiro, Michael Wilbon and Colin Cowherd. They all said they were not surprised that he was shot. Like, really? Not even a little bit? So if you weren't surprised then why didn't you tell Sean NOT TO BE IN HIS HOUSE SUNDAY night. But alas, some better writer's then me have already written articles ripping these hacks.

Scroll down to Colin Cowherd On Sean Taylor to read Dan Steinberg's take.

The Baltimore Sun has a more serious article on the subject.

And since these guys have been caught, The Huffington Post has the best article written by Earl Ofari Hutchinson. I wrote an email thanking him for calling people out. I said my only critique was I wish he would have called out Wilbon by name. He wrote me back:

"thanks,
you're right but as the old folk said
if the shoe fits wear it
they'll have to live with their shame--if they have any"

But my favorite one is from Mister Irrelevant. He just tears into Wilbon with a vengeance. I wish I could see him say this stuff to his face.

I'm sure most of you saw the ESPN coverage which basically made Sean look like he was in the NFL on work release. But the worst part was in their segment they said that Taylor's Pro Bowl apperance lost it's luster because he knocked the crap out of the Bills Punter. But I don't remember one article or one "expert" saying that his hit on the punter was uncalled for. Not one. But now that he's a dead "thug" it was controversial. The punter, Brian Mooreman even said it was a good hit.

At least one journalists has some morals. David Dupree was interviewed on the John Thompson Show. He actually says that we should not rush to judgement.

Here is another radio interview. It's Clinton Portis talking to John Thompson about Taylor.

The Miami Herald just wrote a really good article about growing up in Miami.

Rest in Peace Sean. I hope they put you in the ring of honor.

WRITER BOI

2007-11-26T14:57:00.000-08:00

Love this video. The keyboard around the neck and the "W" sign with the hands.

GET WELL SEAN!

2007-11-26T11:33:00.000-08:00

Here is a video of the greatest Safety in Redskins History. Sean is in the hospital in critical condition. My thoughts are with you brother. No doubt I'll be wearing your jersey on Sunday.

MARCH ON HOLLYWOOD!

2007-11-20T19:17:00.000-08:00

I went to the big march today to support my brothers and sisters in the WGA, even though I haven’t been a “working” writer in a while. We marched down Hollywood Boulevard past the stripper clothing stores and bong shops to show the greedy studios we mean business! If there were any studio executives around the area getting a tattoo or scoring drugs I’m sure they got the message.

But this was a day for solidarity. First thing to do when you go to a march is to pick out an outfit, and this march is no different. WGA members are nerds by nature (looking at my photo I’m sure you can tell I’m not the exception) While this is not a SAG strike, this is still Hollywood.

1. If you are going to a strike in Hollywood you must wear sunglasses, even if it’s overcast. These puppies cost me $50 at Macy’s. The most expensive sunglasses I’ve ever bought, which means I’m sure to lose them any day now.
2. Rainbow scarf. I got this thing the other day at a little boutique I call “The Gap.” Sorry I won’t tell you where it is, too underground. While at first glance it might appear that I’m over dressed for this strike, might I remind you that it was in the low 60’s.
3. Nine day unshaven face. This is to show my brothers and sisters that yes, I am indeed out of work.
4. Strike shirt. I scored this when I was striking at Prospect studios with the cast of Grey’s Anatomy. The smallest size they had was a large and it fits me like a night shirt. That is why my shirt is tucked in. Now this is not normally a “cool” look in LA, but it is a better look than a half Jewish guy wearing a shirt down to his knees. Unless you’re Kevin Smith.
5. Small pot belly. While many writers have me beat in this department, it does show the world that I am in fact at the computer too much and I don’t get very much exercise.
6. Bright Colored New Balance. A bright color to show those young executives that my face might look like I’m over thirty, my choice in shoe shows them that I’m down with the kids!

I met a couple of writers and an actor at my friend Cynthia’s apartment and walked to the start of the march. This was an excellent move because there was plenty of parking and she only lived about 6 blocks away.

We arrived right at 1:00pm and it was packed with thousands of people. We signed in then went over and got a sign. We didn’t want to look like rookies.

We hung out and watched ALICIA KEYS sing and play piano on top of a stake bed. She’s beautiful, has a great voice, and writes her own songs. She should really look into getting her sh*t together.

Nothing says make a deal like seeing a high profile pop singer perform for a crowd of writers so she can promote her new album, Down with Corporations! Yay to Pop Singers!

Then we began the long eight block walk to the rally site.

Here are my marching homies. UNITE!

There were assistants there from one of the agencies, someone said CAA, handing out scones. When I saw this guy I was about to make fun of him, then I remembered I didn't have an agent, then I regretted I didn't bring a business card, then I thought about kissing his ass so he'd read my script.

The cops were there to make sure all the menacing writers were kept in line.

The outfit of the day definitely went to Mike White. I cut off his head because I took this pic on the DL. (That's down low. Hey I didn't want to look like a struggling writer who is sweating Mike White's blue velour jumpsuit. Okay!)

If the outfit of the day goes to Mike White, then the costume of the day goes to this guy.

After our eight block long march we ended up at Hooters!!!!

Which happens to also be across the street from the Chinese Theater.

This is where we all banded together to listen to our brothers and sisters. One of the draw backs to the rally was only about 12 people and the media could actually see the ralliers because there were large speakers on both sides of the stage. This was especially frustrating when the hands down winner of the rally, Leo, the President of the Teamsters 399 union, could not be seen. A few people got up before Leo and said some nice well written things. There were lists of other unions showing their support for the writers. There was well written prose describing the plight of our struggle. I don't know if Leo had written his speech prior to the rally but he really got the troops fired up. Now, not having seen Leo’s face I could only imagine it from his wonderful voice. Next time you watch a movie with a tough guy and the actor is doing a voice that seems a tad too much , and you think that he’s over acting, think again. This guy made Al Pacino in Scarface look subtle. Leo sounded like every tough mob guy from every Scorsese film and every Sopranos episode mixed into one. I couldn’t really place his accent. It sounded New York but only tougher. I think it was from a place called F*%k You, USA. If someone sees a video of this speech please forward it to me. I was so scared I seriously looked behind me to see if a gun was pointed to my head. I don’t remember it word for word, even though I’d love to just study the text, I do remember the one line that brought the crowd into a frenzy. “If they don’t give you what you want, TAKE IT!” But his most memorable line was “Pussification of Hollywood.” I don’t know what the WGA has to do to get this guy in the room across the table from the studios, but I think it’s kind of mandatory. We should pay LEO whatever he wants to negotiate for us. If we did we’d all be back to work on Monday. Guaranteed.

A shot of the crowd before Leo took the stage.

A shot of the crowd after he took the stage.

Second place goes to Sandra Oh from Grey’s Anatomy and Sideways fame. She was so fired up I thought she was going to start destroying the stage like Pete Townshend from the Who. I do not want to be the person that accidentally takes her parking space. I’ll tell you one thing, I’m writing her a part in my next script. Because if you can get her attached to it, she will get it made. Nothing will stop this woman.

Well I had a great time at the rally and it was fun seeing all the people united. Here is a link to the rest of my photos. See you on the Picket Lines!

Honeymoon Photos

2007-06-20T15:16:00.001-07:00

For those of you who didn't get the link to the photos...

Honeymoon 2007

Honeymoon Timeline!

2007-05-29T17:20:00.000-07:00

FRIDAY
3:25pm We arrive in Paris. I order a café au lait in the airport. That’s coffee with milk for you people who don’t speak French. A regular cup of coffee there is what we American’s call a latte. We find a cab outside and off we go!
4:28pm We check into the hotel. The room is not as small as I thought. The bathroom is actually almost as big as the room. It has a nice bathtub/shower. We consider sleeping versus going out. We are both starving. I lay on the bed. Sleep tastes like ecstasy right now, but we are both starving and agree that staying up is probably best.
5:02pm We arrive at the Coffee Shop/Restaurant/Bar. (This is also called a or Brasserie. These are EVERYWHERE in Paris. People go to these places just for coffee and they also go for lunch and dinner, but it’s also a bar. But every place serves alcohol in France. Even McDonald’s. This is going to be fun.)
5:04pm The waitress luckily speaks some English. The only thing Sissy and I have really learned is “hello”, “Goodbye”, “thank you”, “the check”, “Please”, and “I would like” which is Je voudrais. We say Je voudrais and point to the menu. Sissy orders a cheese plate and I order some pasta with chicken.
5:23pm We are finished and Sissy loves her cheese plate so much that she asks the waitress if we can take it with us. Which means she points at the plate then points outside. We both say “to go” a slow as we can. She looks at us as if this is the craziest thing she’s ever herd. I tell Sissy “I don’t think they do take out in France”. This is the last time we ask for a to go box.
5:37pm I am lying down in the bed. Sleep is teasing me like a drug dealer waving drugs in the face of a junkie. She wants to go to the Eiffel Tower. I beg her for a two hour nap.
5:38pm We are off for the Eiffel Tower. We are outside the hotel when we have our first honeymoon debate.
Sissy: The subway is north and this way is north.
Randy: No, this way is north!
Sissy: Okay. I hope you’re right.
Randy: I’m positive. Don’t you think I know how to read a map.
5:49pm I realize that we are going south and not north. Sissy doesn’t say anything. I blame it on the map.
5:54pm Luckily we run into a metro. We buy two one way tickets from the guy in the booth. After a little bit of confusion we finally find the platform for our train.
6:25pm We arrive at the Eiffel Tower. We take a couple of photos. There are tons of tourists and people trying to sell us mini Eiffel towers.
6:43pm Sissy has to go to the bathroom, so we decide to pop into a Restaurant around the corner from the Eiffel Tower. We are sitting at a sidewalk table next to the bike lane of a street. A woman riding her bike runs into our waiter. He apologizes. A nearby French guy sees this as the perfect opportunity to try and ask the girl out. She refuses and takes off. In English he tells her to “F@#k off”. Who knew that was an international saying?
7:13 pm Sissy and I walk along the Seine and take photos. Fierce!
7:45 pm We are strolling aimlessly when Sissy has to go to the bathroom again. We pop into a restaurant. There is seafood everywhere. This place looks amazing. I go to the bar and buy a drink so Sissy can use the facilities. This will be common theme through out our trip. The bar is only about 7 feet long and has no chairs. This is typical restaurant bar in Paris.
8:12pm Sissy and I finish the beer then realize that it is pouring rain.
8:13pm Sissy orders champagne and I order another beer. We chat it up at with a couple of English guys and an American girl from Colorado. We both admire the giant trays of shellfish on ice that we see going by.
8:48pm The drinks perked up our attitude. We get another round. We love this place!
10:17pm We are back at the hotel (delirious) and change for the evening.
10:30pm We arrive at La Piana Vache. An 80’s punk rock bar. The walls are covered with old posters. If this bar was in Silver Lake it’d be the coolest bar in the neighborhood. Unfortunately Punk Rockers putting up punk rock posters in a bar in Silver Lake might seem too on the nose for the kids in our neighborhood.
10:47pm I try to ask the bartender in French if they have vanilla vodka. He asks me “Why don’t you ask me if I speak English first?” So, if you are wondering, No vanilla vodka.
10:51pm I notice the guy sitting next to us is wearing all black and has total “Cure” hair. His shirt says “My Birthday Massacre”. This place is so punk rock.
12:02pm We stop into another restaurant and ask for “un table pour deux”. He laughs at me then asks me in English “inside or outside”. We split a steak and fries. It’s excellent.
12:32am We finally go to bed.

SATURDAY
5:27am Sissy and I both wake up. We can’t sleep. Sissy takes a bubble bath while I watch French MTV. They play the same ten videos over and over and over again. Every song is R&B mixed with rap OR Gwen Stefani.
7:07am Sissy goes back to bed. I go for a walk. Every place is closed. The streets are empty. I find an open brasserie and order a cup of coffee to go. Which I find out later is rare. People are standing at the small bar drinking coffee. This is what they do. They go in and order their coffees. Stand and drink them, then leave.
7:26am A bakery is just opening. It’s about the size of my bedroom. I buy some pastry with chocolate chips.
7:28am The pastry is not just warm, but almost hot. It’s easily the greatest piece of bread/pastry I’ve ever had.
7:38am I wake Sissy up and make her eat some of the pastry.
9:02am Sissy and I walk along Rue Mouffetard. A very narrow street that is filled with clothing boutiques, fish markets, cheese stores, wine shops, pastry shops. So many choices, Sissy wants it all!
11:34am The Museum D’Orsay metro stop is under construction so we decide to walk from Notre Dame along the Seine. It doesn’t look that far on the map.
11:59am Okay. It’s a lot further than then it looks on the map, but we are walking along the Seine. There are vendors set up on the sidewalk along the Seine selling real paintings along with everything else French you can imagine, including, Eiffel Towers.
12:04pm The museum entrance is no where to be found. We stop at restaurant called Orsay so Sissy can go to the bathroom. We have a drink and realize it’s right across the street.
1:44pm In front of Van Gogh’s self portrait. Wow! You really appreciate it more when you see the boldness of the brush strokes in person. His last painting sold for $82 million dollars. So you got to figure that his self portrait, a much more famous painting, is worth more than $100 million. It’s unbelievable that they let you put your face right up to the paintings. No Glass. No Guard. Pretty freakin’ cool. The other highlight for us was all the Art Nouveau Furniture.
2:06pm The outdoor patio at the museum is closed do to weather. This is a little bit of a bummer because the view from the patio is amazing. It over looks the Seine and the right bank.
2:46pm On a boat ride back up the Seine. This beats the Subway.
5:31pm After walking around near in the Latin Quarter near the Seine, we arrived at the hotel for a much needed nap.
7:45pm Cab picks us up to go to Bowfinger. The only restaurant we had reservations for in Paris. Our dress up date night.
8:02pm We arrive at the restaurant. The people in front of us get turned away because they don’t have reservations. Shew! Sissy is glad WE have reservations. The place is gorgeous and everything decorated so French it’s almost a cliché. We notice that is decorated in the Art Nouveau style as learned from our visit to the Orsay. We are so high brow.
8:32pm Escargot for appetizer, I get a steak and fries with béarnaise sauce, Sissy has the lobster. Delicious. Sissy picks the wine from the menu. Something very French. I suggest an expensive bottle of wine. She says we should go cheaper. God, I love this woman. She picks Cote De Rhone. When it arrives, Sissy realizes it’s a bottle of wine she always gets at the market in LA. Very French.
10:01pm We stroll along the streets in the Bastille then catch a cab to Caveau De Huchet, the oldest jazz club in Paris. It’s just over the river.
10:03pm We show the cab driver the map with an arrow and an address. He seems confused.
10:12pm We are going in circles. The cab driver makes a u-turn.
10:15pm We realize that we are just right down the street from our hotel, way past the Jazz Club. I ask Sissy to look up “Where the f@#k are we going?” in the French/English dictionary.
10:16pm Unfortunately it’s not in the dictionary. I yell at the cab driver in English. He finally drops us off. He claims he didn’t know where it was. Caveau De Huchet is on Rue De La Huchet. A very famous street with dozens of restaurants and bars. Hundreds of people are walking along this street. This is like me telling people I don’t know where the Hollywood Blvd. is located. He takes 3 euros off our fare.
10:23pm Sissy has to go to the bathroom, so we stop in Bar A Vin. A wine/piano bar. We people watch and have a drink while a guy plays the piano and a woman sings “Imagine” by John Lennon. Not the best version we’ve ever heard.
10:45pm We are at Caveau De Huchet. The band plays in the basement while the walls are lined with audience members grooving to Jazz. This is the coolest thing I’ve ever since. People are sitting on the steps it’s so crowded and no one is brave enough to dance yet. We take up residence in the empty lounge on the second floor and listen through the speakers.
11:42pm We decide to go back downstairs and see people dancing. We cut up the dance floor for a couple of songs. It’s hot.
12:27am Sissy comes out of the bathroom and says she’s having the best time. A woman in the bathroom said she was beautiful and another one said she was a good dancer.
12:28am We get Sissy’s purse from the coat check. The woman is nice to her, Sissy fells guilty and tells me to tip her. I tell her they don’t tip in France.
12:29am I give the lady a euro. Which is unheard of in France. (A side note: Their tax and tip is included in the price. This basically off sets the exchange rate, so it wasn’t as expensive as I thought. Also, they don’t use many pennies in France. The only pennies we ever got were when we exchanged money. Most things come out to 20 euros, sometimes 10 euros, and on a very rare occasion 5 euro. This makes paying for stuff really easily because you almost always have exact change. It’s about time we got rid of the penny.)
1:09am We arrive at the 5th bar. An American bar on the Rue Mouffetard. This place was written up in all the guides. I have no idea why it was it’s the same as any dive bar in the US. I can tell right off the bat that the bartender is from Maryland, we ask and he says Rockville, MD. I knew it. Sissy asks him why he moved to Paris, he says his girlfriend pissed him off. Sissy immediately thinks this guy killed his girlfriend then fled to Paris. He does not seem like the worldly cultured guy type of guy that would move to Paris. He says that American women are all about “playing games and checking their blackberries” and French women are “are chill, they’ll just hang out, they don’t do any of the other bullshit”. In other words, French women are easy. See ya’ later Killa’… we are outta here!
2:00am Sissy and I share a chocolate crepe on the street. This crepe places are everywhere at night. This is the equivalent of getting a slice of pizzas at the end of the night in the US.
2:12am Another Restaurant/Coffee Shop/Bar/Lounge. We get a night cap and take photos in the red velvet draped back room.
3:22am Back at the hotel and time to wake up early. Versailles tomorrow!

SUNDAY
12:16pm We wake up a little later than we wanted.
1:36pm We have lunch at another brasserie. I have a pizza with ham and artichokes. It’s excellent. Sissy has a croque-monsieur.
2:47pm We take the train to Versailles.
3:37pm We’ve been in line to get tickets for twenty minutes now and decide to come back on Tuesday so we aren’t rushed, but we’ll check out the gardens while we’re here.
3:49pm It’s raining and windy. We are walking to the gardens when Sissy becomes overwhelmed with emotion and starts to cry (aww.. that’s my wife!). Even though it’s raining, the gardens are really an amazing site. The Castle of Versailles and it’s grounds are bigger than the entire city.
7:04pm After taking the train back to the Latin Quarter Sissy and I walked around looking for a restaurant and we decide to stop into Le Pub De Saint Germain. This is a restaurant not a bistro. It is very large and very modern kinda like something you’d see in West Hollywood. We split a cheese plate, tuna tartar, sliced lamb with potatoes. The food is excellent. This is only the 2nd dinner we eat inside a restaurant in France. All the others, besides one time in Nice, we eat outside or at a table that is has a door open to the street)
9:24pm We strolled back down the Rue de la Huchet, and drop back into Bar A Vin.
10:42pm We are both tired and decided to turn in early so that we can hit the streets for a full day of tourist activities!

MONDAY
4:30am Wake up. I toss, turn and watch French MTV for the next 3 hours.
7:14am Sissy wakes ups, I get café au lait. The Eiffel Tower is first on the agenda.
9:28am We arrive at the Eiffel Tower just as it’s opening. There is a long line, but nothing that looks too crazy. I researched online and found out the best time to go was at night, but after hearing from a guy in a bar that he waited four hours during the night we didn’t want to take any chances.
10:14pm We are up in the Eiffel Tower. We don’t go to the top because it’s very cloudy but you can see the entire city from the second floor. It’s very cold probably in the low 50’s high 40’s (Hey, we live in LA, that’s cold!) and windy.
11:02am We are outside the Moulin Rouge. Sissy loves the style of the paintings and drawings in the lobby. After taking a few pictures we realize we are starving and stop into a bistro for sausage and frites.
11:25am The sausage is just a regular boiled hot dog, but it’s good because we are starving. That’s the hard part about being in France and being on the go, you can’t pick up a quick breakfast unless it’s a pastry. Everything is sit down.
11:48am We are at the ‘I Love You Wall’ down the street from Sacre-Coeur. The wall says ‘I Love You’ in 311 different languages. This area of town is suppose to feature a lot of painters, but we don’t see any, it might be because it looks like it’s gonna rain.
12:00pm We are at the bottom of Sacre-Coeur and find out the trolley that takes us up about 15 flights of stairs is broken. Awesome! I always wondered how we would fare on “Amazing Race”. We first have to navigate through a dozen African’s who jump in your face, who want to show you a trick with a piece of string. Sissy yelled at them, “Go away” and they were completely offended, telling her what bad language she used.
12:08pm We just walked up all the stairs and are so delirious we might fall all the way back down. The view from the top is gorgeous and almost as good as the 2nd floor of the Eiffel Tower.
12:12pm Sacre-Coeur is a huge church and the stained glasses windows from the inside are just as beautiful as the view of the city from the outside.
12:24pm We sit on the steps to take a break and drink some water. I look through our photos and delete the ones we don’t like.
12:36pm We walked down the front hill of the Sacre-Coeur then down hill another two blocks then over about 5 when I realize, I don’t have my camera. AWESOME!
12:41pm Sissy gets a coffee and goes to the bathroom while I run back the five blocks, then up two blocks then all the way back up the stairs. I’m looking for anyone who might be excited with a new camera, anyone selling a camera, or anyone holding my camera.
12:54pm Nothing. I tell the security guard at the church that I lost my camera. He says “you lost your camera?” I say “Je voudrais do you have a lost and found?”. He looks at me like I swallowed a bird. (Notice there are no photos from the Eiffel Tower, Moulin Rouge, or Sacre-Coeur)
1:12pm Sissy tries to calm me down with stories of other friends who had video cameras stolen from them while they were in Europe.
1:14pm We walk a half a block and see a camera shop. I weigh the price of buying a half a dozen disposable cameras versus buying a new camera with a bad exchange rate.
1:15pm I buy a new camera. This camera is a lot better. It is 8mb vs my old camera 3mb. It’s an upgrade I tell myself. Who needed that old camera anyway!
1:22pm We walk across the street to the ‘I Love You Wall’ and retake our photos. The good news is the weather has cleared up and it is now Sunny outside.
2:45pm We took the train cross town and are now at the Musee De Picasso. The Muesuem is in an old house and houses the largest collection of Picasso’s works in one place. There are a few pieces I really like (the photo with Sissy standing next to the large painting is actually not a painting but individual pieces of wallpaper) but most of the pieces are not from his famous cubism era.
3:34pm We sit down for lunch at a bistro. A guy who sits next to Sissy talks on his cell phone the entire time. If we wanted to eat lunch in LA we would have stayed home. Sissy orders another cheese plate while I have tuna on pieces of toast served on a cutting board. My worst meal of the trip.
3:51pm Sissy eyes a yellow square piece on her cheese plate and takes a large chunk. It’s very soft, she’s never had this kind before she thinks. She takes a large bite then realizes that the yellow square piece of cheese is actually butter. Mmmmmm.
6:02pm We arrive back to the hotel and take a much needed nap.
8:00pm We wake up and get ready for dinner.
9:03pm We arrive at a place down the street from our hotel that we’ve wanted to go to because they have a sign on their awning that says moules frites (mussels and fries). We aren’t suckers for advertising or anything.
9:32pm I get a steak and fries while Sissy has the mussels and fries. It is STILL daylight outside at this point. It does not get dark till 9:45pm or 10:00pm. This is probably why everyone eats dinner so late in Europe and probably why we are staying up so late because it seems early, it isn’t even dark yet!
10:02pm We are tired so we decide to stay in the neighborhood and got to a Jazz Club down the street called Le Petit Journal.
10:22pm This place is very small and the band (one guy on a piano) is in the corner and no one has a good view except for about 4 people. The guy is good, but I need a bass and a horn with my Jazz.
10:24pm The first mistake of the trip was losing my camera, the 2nd was Sissy eating butter that she thought was cheese, the third was my decision to order a Whiskey Sour at the Petit Journal.
10:55pm We leave the Petit Journal. With out a map we try and find the punk rock bar from the first night.
11:15pm We went in about three circles and finally found it. But they are not playing Punk Rock, they are playing Jazz. Sissy wanders downstairs to the toilette (oh, by the way.. ALL of the bathrooms in Paris seem to be UP or DOWN a tiny, narrow set of stairs). When Sissy comes back upstairs a drunk French man tries to start a conversation with her as she is walking back to the bar. She says J’mappelle Sissy and this is my husband, J’mappelle Randy. Sissy finally makes it to her barstool next to me, looks at the bartender to order her drink and says “J’mappelle un coka”. Translation: ‘I am a coke’
11:34pm We walk down the street to a little town square/circle and split a carafe of Rose.
12:32am We walk home as the Whiskey Sours mixes with the Rose.
Randy: Quiet, shhhh, my only job is to make you happy.
Sissy: but I..
Randy: Shhhh, shhhh, no my only job is to..
Sissy: but I want..
Randy: Shhh, shhh, shhhh, no. My only job is to make you happy.
Sissy: Shhh, shhhh, shhh, no. My only job is to make you happy.
12:48am Time for me to go to bed.

TUESDAY
9:15am Wake up.
10:00am We have a eggs and pastries for breakfast in the Bistro next to our hotel.
11:14am We arrive at Versailles train station and take the walk to the Chateau.
11:19am We turn the corner and are 3 blocks from the castle. There are hundreds of people walking up to the Chateau. As soon this family from Tennessee (Tennessee hats and shirts) see all the people they start running down the side walk to be in front of everyone in line. Sissy and I bought passes on the way out on Sunday and were told no waiting in line.
11:26am We arrive outside the Chateau when Sissy starts jumping up and down, screaming “That’s what I want! That’s what I want!” She of course is referring to the photo of Sissy and I dressed up as King and Queen.
11:30am There is a long line to get into Versailles but no line to get tickets. After foolishly thinking we didn’t need to stand in that line because we had ‘passes’ we walk all the way to the back. We notice Tennessee and his family at the front of the line. Sissy is upset. Not at the fact that we have to wait in line, but at the fact that we are behind Jackass Tennessee and family. We soon forgot all about Tennessee as we walked inside.
1:15pm The inside of the castle was beautiful. There are endless paintings and statues that would take forever to describe. The highlight for me was the Opera house. Made entirely out of wood. Sissy’s favorite was Marie Antoinette’s bedroom.
1:58pm After considering taking the trolley around the grounds we decide to leave the hundreds of tourists and go back to Paris, it’s starting to look like rain.
3:14pm We are walking along the Champs-Elysees. They have a lot of very cool stores like The Gap, Nike, Louis Vutton, and Adidas. We quickly realize that all the stores are the same back home or they are so high end it’s not even worth considering. The left bank is more our scene.
4:45pm We walk all along Saint-Germain then stop into a small bistro called ‘The Neo Café’.
5:40pm Back at the hotel. A little bit of relaxation before dinner.
8:00pm We arrive at Suffrin, the restaurant we stopped into when it was pouring rain our first night.
8:24pm Sissy and I try to figure out what the couple next to us are talking about. The young, beautiful, confident French woman is sitting back and her responses are calm while the young man is leaning forward and his responses are very quick. We think he is trying to get her back. She is totally over him.
8:43pm Sissy’s duck arrives even though she thought she ordered rabbit. I have the salmon. It’s perfect. More Rose.
10:15pm We stop off at a Bistro near our Hotel for a night cap of irish coffee’s. Sissy new favorite after dinner drink.
11:02pm Time to go to bed and wake up early as tomorrow is NICE!

WEDNESDAY
6:45am Wake up.
7:10am I go downstairs to the bistro next to our hotel and order two café au laits. The waiter gets a little frustrated with me because I’m trying to ask for everything in French and he can speak English. I still don’t know how to ask ‘to go’. This is a foreign concept in France.
9:00am At the train station. I order another café au lait. Starbucks, Coffee Bean, Seattle Coffee, no one in the U.S. can make a latte like French.
9:35am On the train. We bought first class tickets (not much more than 2nd class) and have two seats facing each other and one next to us. Sissy loves it. “It’s like the spa” she says.
2:00pm I managed to get about an hour nap. The train ride is beautiful. For the last two hours the train goes along the French Riviera.
3:15pm We arrive in Nice! We have to lug our luggage about 7 blocks because the Taxi’s won’t take us because it’s too close. Oh, and it is nice and hot in Nice. AND, we are NOT light packers.
3:27pm We check into the hotel. I ask the guy at the desk if he speaks English. He says no.
3:34pm This is definitely not the same star hotel as our hotel in Paris. Sissy says she’s going to sleep on top of the sheets.
3:37pm We walk along the main street to the beach. There are lots of stores but the street is torn up because of construction and makes walking a little bit uneasy. Sissy says “I don’t think I like Nice very much.”
4:15pm The walk to the beach is about 15-20 minutes. This probably would have killed us if we went to Nice first but with all the walking we did in Paris this wasn’t that bad. We stop at Atmosphere a restaurant on Cours Saleya. A section about a block from the beach with dozens of restaurants. I order a pizza and a carafe of rose to try and calm Sissy down.
5:20pm We stroll along the streets of old Nice. These are very small streets with no cars but dozens of shops and restaurant. We stumble into a spice store.
5:21pm Sissy: “Oh my God. This place is freaking awesome!” Sissy buys some spices for herself and her friends. She’s coming around.
5:58pm We run into Johnny’s Bar. This place is written up in all the guides. While it does have the cheapest wine in Nice it also has the most uncomfortable stools. A carafe of wine for 6 euros. Even with the exchange rate that’s about $9. Not bad.
5:59pm We strike up a conversation with Dana and David, a cool couple from Seattle (They are seating right next to us, which in France means two inches away) It feels good to speak English to other people for the first time in days. They’ve been in Nice for 5 days and then are going to Paris. We exchange stories and have a blast for the next 3 hours. Check out Dana’s music website: http://www.threeimaginarygirls.com
and David’s band: http://www.shakesomeaction.net
9:00pm My ass is done from sitting on these chairs. We say our good-byes to David and Dana. We agree to meet on the beach tomorrow.
9:15pm Sissy and I walk through the Cours Saleya. All the tables to all the restaurants on the Cours Saleya are outside. There must be hundreds of people eating dinner and there are almost too many restaurants to choose from. We decide on Pecherie Sayleya, a seafood restaurant.
9:40pm We split the linguini with clams in wine sauce and some Rose. It’s excellent. Might be my favorite meal yet.
10:23pm We walk along the beach and see a restaurant on the beach. We decide to go.
10:29pm There is no entrance from the beach so we climb over some lounge chairs to get there.
10:30pm Sissy tries to climb over a chair but her dress gets caught. We look like Abbott and Costello. The wait staff is not happy with us. We ask them if we can just have drinks, no dinner. Surprisingly they say no. We scamper away.
10:52pm We stop at a restaurant and have café au laits and people watch.
11:11pm I look on the map and tell Sissy all we have to do is go north.
11:22pm Randy: “None of these streets on the map. I’m sure it’s fine. We’re heading North.” (They don’t have street signs in France. Most of the time the signs are on the sides of the buildings.)
11:31pm Randy: “Oh. I see we weren’t heading north, we were heading east.”
12:00am Arrive at the hotel.

THURSDAY
5:06am I wake up. I stare at the ceiling for about an hour and a half. Jet lag is fun.
6:42am I walk along the street the main street with the construction. I get a café au lait next to two DRUNK girls who are shoving pastries and baguettes down their throats.
6:32am A guy walks up to me and asks me a question in French. I shrug my shoulders and keep walking. He screams at me as a I walk past and acts like he’s going to come back and fight me.
10:14am We meet up with Dana and David at the private beach. This is the way to go. You get your own padded lounge chair, umbrella and table service. There is also a restaurant and bathrooms. (Instead of sand the beach is covered in rocks. Not pebbles. Rocks. This makes the lounge chair that much more important. The French lay down on their towel, ON THE ROCKS, ouch. Not us Americans)
11:15am I spot my first bare breast. Most of the women do not go topless and about 80% of the women that do are over the age of 45. Also, the men don’t wear speedos anymore.
12:00pm We eat lunch at Restaurant on the private beach. Sissy has the tuna tartar and I have pasta with meat sauce. Ahhhhh… Life is good.
2:23pm We are still laying on the beach. This is exactly what we needed. A break from the walking and the site seeing.
4:05pm After a relaxing day on the beach we decide to leave to get ready for dinner. We are going to meet Dana and David for dinner.
4:35pm We are walking along the side walk of the main road back to our hotel (the one with the construction) when Sissy suggests that we should walk through the mall. “It’s much cooler” she says.
4:57pm We leave the mall. Sissy has a new dress and earrings.
Sissy: “I think we should take that way to the hotel every time”
Randy: “I think it’s cheaper the other way.”
7:34pm We meet David and Dana for dinner in Old Nice at an Italian Restaurant. I have the ravioli and Sissy has the veal special. This is probably our cheapest meal in France. The ravioli was only 6 euros and it was very good. Hand made. Very tender.
9:23pm We are walking along the Promenade Des Anglais the main street along the beach when we run into Motorhead show. It’s so freaking loud I have no idea why anyone actually bought tickets.
9:34pm We say our good-byes to David and Dana and head into a casino. To get in, you have to show your passport. The casino has only about four people gambling. This was not what I expected. We leave.
9:51pm We got to the casino next door, Le Meriden. This is more like it, but still it’s not crowded. I guess Europeans don’t like to gamble. Here is a quick list of differences between US and French casinos.
• No drinking. I only spot one person drinking.
• Everyone is dressed up.
• You have to get your cash from cage. No cash at the table.
• Everyone plays roulette.

10:00pm I sit down at a 10 Euro minimum blackjack table.
10:26pm I’m up 50 euros. I meet Sissy at the bar for a drink.
10:46pm Now I’m up only 5 euros. Time to leave. Who says there are no winners in Nice baby!
11:07pm We stop off at a bistro for a drink and people watch.
12:00pm Back at the hotel. Time for bed.

FRIDAY
9:15am Wake up.
11:15am We are hungry but want to get our boarding passes online and don’t want to get to the beach too late. So we stop into McDonald’s! I get a Big Mac and Sissy has a Royal Cheese. The fries are NOT the same as the US. A little bit of a let down.
11:45pm We are at an Internet Café to print out our boarding passes.
12:02pm Back at the beach baby! The same one as yesterday. We split a bottle of Rose. Eat McDonald’s, but stay on the private beach with bottle service. The only way to go!
3:20pm The beach was very relaxing. We are back in the mall at a store called. Zara. It’s kinda like H&M. European styles for a low price. We don’t buy anything.
4:02pm Café au lait and a diet coke.
4:34pm Back at the hotel to change and relax before dinner. I’d love to take a nap but we have to leave our hotel at 5am tomorrow morning so, we want to be able to sleep tonight.
6:20pm We stroll along the streets of Old Nice when we run into Johnny’s Bar. We split a small pitcher of Sangria. 6 Euros. Good Stuff.
7:45pm We go back to the Pecherie Sayleya. The place is packed but service is good. Sissy has these giant shrimp that are sautéed in garlic and olive oil. I stick with the mussels and clams. This is Sissy’s favorite meal of the trip.
10:04pm We are at an Irish Pub having a drinking sitting at an outdoor table. The place is packed with younger college age kids. Next to us are 5 fresh faced college frat guys. Here is a brief excerpt of their conversation.
Frat Guy# 1 “I’m gonna get faced tonight. I’m gonna get faced tomorrow. I’m gonna faced the next day. I’m gonna get faced every day we’re here!”
Super Drunk Slurring Frat Guy “I’m not drunk. I’m just buzzed”.
You gotta love America. This is why I could never live overseas. Over hearing ridiculous conversations is as much a past time of mine as is café au lait’s to the French. I have a feeling those conversations are uniquely American.
11:01am Back at the hotel. Time for bed. 4:30am wake up. We had a blast. Thanks to everyone for donating to our honeymoon trip. We couldn’t have had a better time. Thank you!

Much love!
Randy and Sissy

Hollywood Burn!

2007-05-09T12:17:00.000-07:00

Burn Hollywood Burn!

2007-05-09T12:15:00.000-07:00

The Grass is Greener Trailer

2007-05-07T22:11:00.001-07:00

IMPORTANT MESSAGE PLEASE READ!

2006-09-14T00:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Family & Friends

I hope this note finds you well. At least better than me. I am holding back tears as I write. There are certain things and moments in a person’s life that they cherish. They might not come around as often as we’d like but when they do you want to remember and hold on to them forever. Maybe a Holiday, or spending precious time with a family member, or reuniting with a long lost friend. We are not on this earth for long, we must use our time wisely.

This Sunday was supposed to be one of those moments. Unfortunately, I will be missing this moment to help a friend. It was a very tough choice. A second does not pass by that I don’t question myself or my decision. Please be strong and don’t shed tears for me as all hope is not lost. I can still have part of this moment fulfilled, if I can get help from friends.

On Sunday, September 17, 2006 the Washington Redskins will be playing the Dallas Cowboys at 5:15pm Western Standard time. I will probably be working until 9pm. Which means when I watch it on Tivo, I probably won’t be done till 10:30pm or 11:00pm. Please do not call, text message, or email me to discuss any aspect of the game. I don’t care if it’s the biggest blow out in the history of organized football. I don’t care if Aliens land on the field and replace Carlos Rogers at corner. I don’t care if Bill Parcells and Terrell Owens start making on the sidelines like two teenagers. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. (Okay, I take back the Parcells and Owens make out party. That’s the only exception, but you must only tell me about that aspect of the game. No score or how anyone is playing. But I will assume the Cowboys are doing pretty well considering the enthusiasm between the coach and the player. So I take that back; not even if Parcells and Owens are making out!)

The only exception to the rule, now this is an EXTREME EMERGENCY SITUATION, is if the game goes over 4 hours. I will of course be recording the next hour after the game is suppose to be over so I’ll probably be safe, but if for any reason the game goes over four hours a call may be placed. Not to me, but to Sissy to make sure that extra time is recording.

Please let me know if you have any questions regarding this letter. All of your help is much appreciated in the matter. Thank you for taking the time to read this important message.

LOOSE ENDS

2006-07-13T16:05:00.000-07:00

While unemployment does have plenty of advantages, the biggest being you don't have to go to work, it does have a couple of small disadvantages. One being it doesn't pay as much as work. But if you break it down per hour, unemployment pays better than any job I've ever had.

Look at me, now I'm bragging. So I decided to get a little business on the side, it's called "Selling the crap that Sissy wants me to get out of the house". Don't let the govenator know that I got a little side action while I'm collecting those big checks...

The first item for sale are some HOUSE PARTY SPEAKERS. CAUTION:Only use when you want to turn the party out.

And my next item is an AIR CONDITIONER. This puppy is 7500 BTU's and retails for over $500, but can be yours for $175. Oh yeah, and it's portable so you can use it in every room in your house, so it's really like 6 AC units in one..

Alright, enough work for today. Here is a link to a couple of fake mac commercials making fun of those MACS ARE SO COOL ads...

U-TURN

2006-07-10T23:53:00.000-07:00

Apparently, you are not allowed to do a u-turn across a double yellow line in Santa Monica. This is of course news to me, because as I told the officer, I’ve been doing u-turns like that ever since I moved to LA and not once have I been pulled over. If this little fact is indeed true I’m going to have to re-think my whole driving philosophy. The u-turn is the center piece to my driving play book. It is my breaking ball, it is my counter trey, it is my pick and roll, it is what makes navigating through LA almost tolerable.
Without the u-turn you can’t skip the left at the light because the line is too long, you can’t make a quick decision when a parking space opens up, and you certainly can’t say “screw it” when the traffic on Sunset is too bad just to find out it’s worse on Santa Monica.
(This is the equivalent to finding out the girl you’ve been hitting on all night is actually married. This happened to my boy Fullcharge. An old girl friend (notice the space between girl and friend) from high school was in town and wanted to hang out. I was on the “one drink and we’re outta here” plan. But once the Charge got a look at her friend we ended up staying at this restaurant for like 4 hours. It was brutal because Charge was making her laugh and thought it was in the bag. He just didn’t happen to notice the hope diamond she had on her finger. I broke the news to him on the way over to their place. It was not pretty.)
So I got pulled over about a month ago because I was lost on the Westside. (FYI Pico is south of the 10 in Santa Monica) The officer takes FOREVER to write up my ticket. He and the other officer are outside their car checking out all these chicks pumping gas at a Mobil station. It was like 7pm on Friday Night and all these girls must gas up at this station before they bop on over to West Hollywood. It was a total set up. These dudes basically patrolled the four blocks in front of this gas station.
So I’m about to explode when he finally hands me the ticket. But what makes it worse is he’s apologizing. He’s like “Hey man, sorry about this, it’s just we’re just out here looking for drunk drivers and people making moving violations. It’s the only reason we’re out here. I’m sorry”. What are fucking sorry for? You aren’t sorry, otherwise you wouldn't have given me the ticket! He was totally giving me the it’s not you, it’s me routine. Like what does he expect me to say “You know what, It’s cool. I understand. It doesn’t change the fact that I think you are one cool dude. I was lost and made an illegal u-turn. It was completely my fault. I should probably throw myself over this bridge and onto the freeway.”
Since I’m out of work, and I forgot to call in and pay the ticket, I decided to drive on down to the Santa Monica courthouse. One thing I love about the government is they always make things so easy and uncomplicated. Like the way they have a large tree standing in front of the small six inch sign on the building that reads “courthouse”. This makes you get to know the road better because you have to drive around the block four times wondering which building is the courthouse.
Once inside I do what every else does who has no clue where they’re going, I walk around in circles hoping someone asks if I need any help. (Looks like Arnold’s saving money on the old sign budget.) That didn’t work so I tried plan B, I waited for someone else to ask where the traffic people go and I followed. So I get in line and wait. Luckily, I was prepared: Monday’s paper, part of Sunday’s paper, a magazine, a book, and a pen & a paper incase I got inspired.
Meanwhile most people bring nothing to entertain them. Why this bother’s me, I have no idea. Didn’t they know they’d be waiting in line? It’s freaking court. Who has ever rolled in and out of court in like 10 minutes? “Hey man, you wanna go play some ball? Sure, I got a court date in about twenty minutes. See you in an hour?” IT’S NEVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. So why not bring a book, magazine, Gameboy, crossword puzzle, Ipod, etc? Maybe, just maybe it’s the fact that I can’t sit still for five freaking minutes without something to do. Maybe they are just slightly more patient then me. Maybe.
So when it’s my turn to talk to the clerk I tell him I want to pay the fine and take traffic school (My boys inform me that it’s a quick 30 minutes on the web) which will wipe the points clean off my record. Here is a quick exchange of our dialogue.

ME: I’d like to pay my fine and take traffic school.
CLERK: The officer didn’t turn in the ticket.
ME: Cool. Adios. Take it easy my brother.
CLERK: Hold on. That doesn’t mean that you are clear.
ME: Excuse me?
CLERK: You can pay the ticket even though it’s not in our system. Or I can write you a note saying that you were here. Then if the cop turns in the ticket within the next year you will probably get a letter in the mail telling you to appear in court at a later date.
ME: That sounds convenient. What do you mean probably?
CLERK: You should get something in the mail but I can’t guarantee anything.
ME: So I can essentially do all the work for the cop, because it must be exhausting turning in that ticket book, and pay the ticket or I can wait to see if he turns in the ticket and hope I get something in the mail so I can come down here again, drive around the block four times, wait in line, so I can pay a fine for doing a u-turn because I was lost? What if I don’t get anything in the mail?
CLERK: There will be a warrant issued for your arrest.
ME: Awesome. Believe me when I say this has been fun, but I think I’ll just pay the ticket and get it over with.

He punches a couple of numbers into his green tinted Wang computer.

CLERK: The officer wrote down the citation number wrong. He must have left a number off it’s not coming up.
ME: This has been a blast. Ciao.
CLERK: You aren’t clear yet.
ME: Alright, I’ll go to court and fight it. I need to catch up on some reading anyway.
CLERK: You can’t because the officer didn’t turn in the ticket.
ME: Fantastic. I wonder why there is such low voter turn out? What are my options?
CLERK: I can give you that letter and you can wait to get something in the mail, but I suggest you call every week to see if he turned in the ticket.

I have to give it up for the clerk. Who can handle a job like that without developing an ulcer? The guy was totally cool the entire time. I almost got one just talking to the guy. So I’ll be calling the Santa Monica Courthouse for the next 52 weeks or until they send me a letter in the mail. Fun times. Now I just have to figure out how I’m going to get around town without doing any u-turns.

My boy FULLCHARGE AKA MATTHEW FULCHIRON is up on the LAST COMIC STANDING WEBSITE. VOTE FOR HIM NOW!!!!

AL GORE ON SNL

2006-05-15T08:41:00.000-07:00

For those of you who missed it, please check out AL GORE ON SNL.

Go Clippers!

2006-05-12T09:10:00.000-07:00

So you think you're a dedicated sports fan? Thing again. Here's a story about a HOMELESS CLIPPER FAN.

Things to do at work.

2006-05-09T17:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, the worst thing possible happened to me at work. No, I didn't get fired, we lost our internet connection. I seriously did not know what to do. What did people do before the internet? I know, I know, work, work, work. Really? What did you do when you wanted to take a break? Talk to people? Come on, you can't be serious. I looked about as comfortable as Paris Hilton at an STD Clinic. I mean, Jesus Christ, I was about to put a fork through my eye just so I'd have something to do. Luckly for me, the problem was resolved (I did the resolving thank you) by the next afternoon. The internet is back up, and I'm back on the job. So, I have a little treat for you guys today. Here is a list of things to do while you are at work to pass the time so you don't have to stick a fork in your eye.

In THIS VIDEO The Godfather of Soul is being interviewed right after he was arrested a few years back. It's FREAKING HILARIOUS. Do you think my man likes to party?

You've probably seen this ALI G VIDEO before, but it's so freakin' funny. It's worth a second viewing. How does he keep a straight face? He's almost as good as the guy from the MIDDLE CLASS RAP VIDEO, which is probably worth another viewing.

Here are a couple of NEW PILOTS that were picked up for the fall.

This is for anyone that is into sports. Bill Simmons wrote this article A FANTASY LEAGUE FOR THE FEMALES. It's like the post-it, it's so brilliant in it's simplicity.

If you're in Balitmore this weekend check out my boy Michael Tully's filmCOCAINE ANGEL. It's playing at the Charles @ 4:30. UMBC Represent. Boy it's not often I say. Actually, I've never said that.

Here is a trailer for a new comedy called YOU, ME, & DUPREE. The premise is pretty good and Owen Wilson is usually a can't miss, but the use of Funky Cold Medina in the trailer has me on the fence. The fact that they are using that song just goes to show you that you can't have a comedy unless fourteen year old girls and fifty year old guys find it equally bland. I can just imagine the brillant conversation that led to Funky Cold Medina.

Executive 1: "We should probably use a hit song, something catchy to hook the viewers. Hey, Bill, you got any cd's?"

Bill: "Nothing really. Just a greatest hits cd from 1988. It's called "Songs that are lame now, and I even knew were lame when I was 15."

Executive 1: "Perfect"

With a lack of decent comedies out there (and no, the Scary Movie sequels are not decent) this looks better than most.

Have a good weekend my brothers and sisters. Brian Connolly aka BC SK8 is in town this weekend, so I might be getting into a little trouble tonight. Tomorrow night will be CLIPPERS vs. SUNS. I also have to read a book (you guys know how quick a reader I am) and do A LOT of writing. Later.

Kevin Smith's Swan Song

2006-05-09T11:31:00.000-07:00

So, the CLERKS II TRAILER is online. Tell me if you see anything remotely interesting coming from this film. The first one was great for what it was, a low budget film about slackers with boring jobs. That was cool, in ah, 1994. It was also cool because I was going to film school and it looked (technically) just as bad as my films. He was the first person with NO FILMMAKING background what so ever to make a film. The first DIY film. The most important part of that sentence is the FIRST.

I remember taking Art History in college. Sometime in the 1920's some guy made a painting and it was just a red square. Everyone in class is like "I can do that, what's so special about that?" Of course, I was probably yelling the loudest (as I often did) furious that I had to sit in class and learn about a red square. My teacher, having heard this year after year had the perfect come back. She said "Yes it's a red square, and yes anyone can do it, but you DIDN'T do it. He did it and that's why we're talking about it now."

That's pretty much the way I feel about Kevin Smith. I really liked Clerks when it came out. We were blown away in college. This was the type of film we all wanted to make. Why couldn't it be us? Because someone had to be the first. It will go down in history as one of the most important independent films ever. I could even make an argument that it is THE most important independent film ever. The problem is not with Clerks it's with Kevin Smith. To me, he's still painting red squares.

Stephen Colbert - VIDEO

2006-05-05T08:52:00.000-07:00

Here is a link to THE VIDEO of the Colbert Speech. It's almost twenty minutes long but it's totally worth it.

Stephen Colbert

2006-05-04T10:38:00.000-07:00

Have any of you guys read the TRANSCRIPT of Stephen Colbert's speech at the White House Correspondent Dinner? It's AMAZING. If anybody can find a stream of this video please email me.

My first PICTURE!

2006-05-02T17:33:00.000-07:00

So, I was on my space because someone sent me a link. I'm not single, I'm not in a band, so I really see no point for myspace. But, if there are more people like REMY HENDRICKS on myspace I might change my mind. This picture was his main picture on his page. REMY where are you? We've got to hang out. When people say they are different, or alternative, it's really hard to take them at their word. But, my boy REMY is really different.

CLIPPERS vs. LAKERS

2006-05-02T16:39:00.000-07:00

If the LAKERS WIN tonight.. it will set up THE HALLWAY series. Clippers vs. Lakers. David vs. Goliath. I can't WAIT. For the first time in my life I'll be routing for the Lakers to win, so my Clippers can CRUSH them into tiny pieces. I'm torn. On one hand I want to go, but on the other hand I know that there will be only two outcomes, and neither is positive.

The first is that I would act like such a jackass I'd drink too many of those 20 oz beers and get thrown in Jail.

I'm trying to keep my streak alive of days I've been to jail down to 0. (knock on wood)

The second would be an even worse fate; I'd get the shit kicked out me by a couple of fellas from Echo Park.

LAKER FAN: Hey, Clipperman, you think you pretty funny in there, huh?
ME: Hey guys, what's going on. Yeah, you know. Just the heat of the moment. Good game huh?
LAKER FAN: You want to make any jokes to my face?
ME: No, I don't really make any jokes. It's just all good fun.
LAKER FAN: Well me and my friends want to show you some fun.

WHAM!

As fun as that sounds, I can't afford to spend anymore money at the dentist.

The reason these two outcomes are probable is because I HATE LAKER FANS (except for the couple that are my friends, of course. Hey guys). It's as if Cowboy Fans, Yankee Fans, and Philly fans merged into one super human JACKASS SPORTS FANS. They are the T2000 of sports fans.

But, if anyone has any tickets let me know..

Here's a little bit from a BILL SIMMONS article explaining the subplot:

When I arrived here in November 2002, the Clippers were a punch line, an afterthought, the black sheep of the local sports scene. That same winter, I was shopping at a grocery store and noticed Clippers scratch cards in one of those lottery machines; I brought one into Jimmy Kimmel's show and we used it for a bit the next night, with the joke being, "Now here's a scratch card where you have a 0 percent chance to win!"

Everything was justified, of course. The Clips have been the lowliest franchise in sports for a solid 25 years. Since they moved to California in 1978, the Lakers have won eight championships ... the Clippers haven't even won eight playoff games. They now share the same building, with the Lakers charging twice as much and taking all the best dates; the Clippers get stuck with Valentine's Day, Easter Sunday, New Year's Eve, the day before Thanksgiving and every other crappy date you can imagine. There are little Clipper-related slights everywhere you turn, from the stadium's Pro Shop (which carries about five times as much Lakers gear) to its pasta and sushi stops in the concourse (which only open for Laker games). Make no mistake -- they are the second-class citizens on the NBA scene in Los Angeles.

And because that's the case, Clippers fans loathe Lakers fans, whereas Lakers fans wouldn't even waste the energy to hate them back. As I wrote two weeks ago, the relationship resembles the dynamic between preppy college kids and the townies with chips on their shoulder from the same town. During every Clippers game, too many Lakers fans show up, and there are almost always arguments and fights (see the accompanying sidebar). Those games always sound like a World Cup soccer match, with fans loudly cheering for both sides, just a constant din of noise, unquestionably the best subplot for the upcoming Round 2 series (assuming it happens).

There are some other juicier-than-normal plots. Odom was considered the most talented Clipper ever -- the fans loved him and made excuses for him time and time again -- until his sleazy departure to Miami three summers ago (ensuring his status as "Most Hated Visiting Player" until he retires). Kobe strung the Clips along as a free agent in 2004, leading them on to the point that the Clips even cleared cap space for him before he abruptly re-signed with the Lakers. (Clippers fans hate him, too.) Clippers GM Elgin Baylor spent his entire career with the Lakers, retiring during the '72 season, just months before they won their first title in California. Mike Dunleavy coached the Lakers in the 1991 Finals. There's even a built-in feud: For whatever reason, Cuttino Mobley and Kobe absolutely despise one another. (Count on them being separated at least three times in Round 2.) And did I mention that both teams share the same building?

Noah Graham/Getty Images
If the Lakers advance, you'll find out how much Clippers fans loathe Lamar Odom.
Even after Monday night's defeat of the Nuggets, certainly the greatest moment in Clippers history, the Lakers loomed over everything. Clippers-Lakers Clippers-Lakers Clippers-Lakers. That's all anyone was talking about. Everyone agrees that the Clips have a superior team -- it's not even close, really -- but the Lakers have Kobe and history on their side, while the Clippers have three decades of baggage weighing them down. Either this could end up being the greatest sports experience of their lifetimes ... or the most catastrophic defeat. With no in-between. Clippers fans don't know whether to be excited or scared. Rightfully, they're a little of both.

But if those Sunday-Monday games were any indication, we could be headed for something special over these next two weeks. After a euphoric fourth quarter and postgame celebration Monday night, when we were filing out of the stadium someone started a "Lakers suck!" chant in the crowded throng. Just as some fans started joining in, someone else started a "Kobe sucks!" chant, and the two chants collided for a little while, with everyone gradually settling on the "Lakers suck!" chant. That one grew louder and louder, and it was a goofy moment, watching all these happy Clippers fans chanting "Lakers suck!" at the top of their lungs after such a happy game.

In the old days, it would have been a pathetic display, just the bitter sound of hopeless fans lashing out for no real reason. Not anymore. The Clippers fans were preparing for battle. They were getting ready to play the Lakers. First team to four wins takes the city.

And no, the Lakers don't actually suck. But neither do the Clippers. For once.

Train Wreck

2006-05-01T18:03:00.000-07:00

I knew John Daly was a train wreck, but THIS is ridiculous. He's probably better off going back to drinking and getting off gambling.

GET FAMILIAR

2006-05-01T14:43:00.000-07:00

Check out the TRAILER for DC skate legend Chris Hall's new video Get Familiar. PLEASE PUT OUT A SOUNDTRACK!

STRAIGHT OUT THE MIDDLE CLASS

2006-05-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

Please watch THIS VIDEO. I want to be friends with who ever is responsible. Please watch it at least 3 times. Trust me, it gets better with every viewing.

Do you think this guy is serious? If he is COMPLETELY SERIOUS then this might be the FUNNIEST video I've ever scene. It should go into the NATIONAL ARCHIVES as the funniest thing on the internet.

Now, if this guy is joking. If he knows it's a joke, then he should win whatever awards they have for acting in crappy internet videos. Because he looks SO FREAKING SERIOUS he takes away the belt for serious face title holder Will Ferrell. It's not even close. It's like one of those early Tyson fights. Over in 19 seconds. He should also get a three picture deal with every studio in town.
"once you hear my audio demo, you'll just be blazed" Who can write stuff that good?

I'm blamming you!

2006-05-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

Yeah, that's right, you. All the people that go and see these stupid remakes are responsible. You can't blame the "studio" for making these decisions. It's YOUR FAULT. Did you go and see DUKES OF HAZZARD because you liked the original one when you were 7 and for some reason thought it would be GOOD? Or did you go because you "had to. It's the Dukes of Hazzard". If you want to see the Dukes of Hazzard RENT IT ON DVD! CHRIST! What makes you think that the Dukes of Hazzard remake was going to be good, or even watchable?

The reason Dukes of Hazzard is still good now and fun to watch is because it's HORRIBLE. That's right, it was great when you were 7 but now it's so bad it's good. The plots are ridiculous, the stunts are terrible, and the acting barely passable. Not to mention the fact that they shot it in Los Angeles and looks nothing like the south.

What makes you think a bad remake of a bad television show is going to be good?

Now, they are trying to remake a classic Revenge of the Nerds. Now, this movie isn't bad, it's good. It holds up to TODAY'S standards. If they released it today it would make over a $100 million dollars. But, is it really that old to remake? Is it really out of date? I'm I just getting old? Do today's kids think of this film the way I think of "Some Like It Hot". Yeah, it's funny if your over the age of 50.

I don't think so. I think kids look at this film the way I looked at Blazing Saddles. It's FREAKING FUNNY. NO CONTEST. It's a classic. If they remake this and YOU go and watch it that just leaves the door open. Next will be Caddie Shack, Airplane, and heaven forbid, Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Do you want to be responsible for this?

THE WRONG GUY

2006-04-29T15:57:00.000-07:00

My addiction for watching the NFL DRAFT is like trying to quit smoking. After a while you realize that it's not that cool, but for some reason you still do it again and again. I'll quit later. Then hour after hour you're still there watching Matt Maylock, a guy who claims he played in the NFL, talk about Haloti Ngata. If Haloti Ngata was sitting next to me on my couch with an Oregon Ducks Jersey on with his name on the back I won't know who he was. Here was Maylock's assessment "He really doesn't work hard, he takes plays off, he's not that strong, he's not good against the run". Then why was he chosen with the 12th pick? And even worse WHY AM I WATCHING THIS!

So after watching 5 hours of the draft I really have nothing interesting to say, except that the HOUSTON TEXANS made the WORST DRAFT PICK in the history of the NFL. Check out Chuck Klosterman's article on espn page 2.

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SARCASTIC SOUL

2006-04-28T17:55:00.000-07:00

As many of you know I’m trying to raise money for my first feature. Since I don’t know that many people with disposable income I thought I’d put an ad on craigslist. The ad said looking for producer to help raise funds for film, blah, blah, blah. Now I know the chances that a Producer with money, or someone that knows people with money, is looking at craigslist to give it away is just slightly less than slim. I put up the ad up anyway and of course I had no success. But the experience did get me to think about blogging again (BTW is there a better term than blogging? Are we really going to use that term from here to eternity when some talks about writing on the web. Why don’t we call it WRITING. That would be nutty. Why is writing on the internet something different than writing in another medium?) So here are a series of emails I exchanged with one “Producer” named David Hagan.

David Hagan:
I have the contacts, the experience, and the financial resources to help you. You can access my credits at IMDB.com under David Hagan and Hagan Productions, Inc..
Tell me more about your project. Call me. Thanks David Hagan, 818-994-5977

That was a nice straight forward email. This guy seemed sort of legit.

Randy:
Hey David,

Let me first tell you a little bit about myself. In 2003 I was hired by Jersey Films/Universal to write a script based on an idea by Pharrell Williams (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pharrell_Williams).

This is what got me in the WGA. I have made several short films two
of which did pretty well at festivals "Hung Up On Elena" and "Compton Cowboy" the later of the two won audience award for best short at the 2004 Dances with Films Festival.

I want to shoot this summer and really would like to do it for 60k.
It could be done for 30k but NOT the kind of quality that could get us distribution. I've been waiting long enough and just want to get a
feature under my belt. I've worked in production for many years and I'm very aware of how to do things for cheap while still getting good production value.

I've attached the first 30 pages of the script. Also, I do have a lot
of locations in this film, do not be taken aback by this when thinking of the budget. I'm in the process of consolidating the locations. And the first scene (the biggest scene) is being changed for budget reason. So please just read it for story. It's a simple romantic comedy. Which if done well would get DVD distribution and hopefully pay for the budget so we could make another one. Theatrical would be a dream, but I'm trying to be realistic and take it one step at a time. Let me know if the script is something you can get behind.

Cheers,

Randall A. Bobbitt

Boy, I love writing about myself. Nothing is sadder then condensing your life accomplishments into one paragraph. Let me rephrase that, nothing is sadder than trying to fill a paragraph with your life accomplishments. And do you like the CHEERS sign. Very Gary Bobbitt.

DAVID HAGAN:
Call me. David Hagan, 818-994-5977

I love this part. Like yeah why don’t you just call me instead of having me actually read like 30 pages of the script. So I didn’t call him because I feel that there is no use in meeting if you don’t like the script. So he calls me.

Here is a condensed version of our conversation:

DAVID: You got a good story?
ME: Yeah, I think so.
DAVID: You got a synopsis?
ME: Yeah. I’ll email it to you.
DAVID: No. Tell it to me.
ME: On the phone?
DAVID: Yeah. Tell it to me now. What is it? What’s your story?
ME: It’s, um, about um, a romantic comedy, about people who, um, you know, they um, date in Los Angeles. And it’s about them dating and it’s about how people in Los Angeles date. Did I mention it’s a romantic comedy?
DAVID: Is the story good?
ME: Yeah, I think so.
DAVID: Because the story’s got to be good.
ME: Yeah, I think it is.
DAVID: It’s all about the story.
ME: Um, well it’s a good story. It’s a little better than my synopsis. I mean you really have to read the script, it’s not a high concept story.
DAVID: Well you’ll be taking a big risk.
ME: Excuse me?
DAVID: You’ll be taking a huge risk.
ME: Um, why, will I be taking a risk?
DAVID: Because, I get over 1500 submissions a year and we only make four films a year. You’ll be taking a big risk.
ME: Um, why, would I be taking a risk? I don’t understand.
DAVID: My assistant has to read it first then if he likes it then I’ll read it. It’s a big risk we only make four films a year.
ME: But, sorry, why would I be taking a risk?
DAVID: Life is a risk.
ME: Um, okay. I guess I’m a big risk taker. I’ve never been bungee jumping or anything but just ask my fiancé, I sometimes don’t wash fruit or vegetables before I eat them. You can get really sick by doing that.
DAVID: Alright. You want my address?
ME: I’d love it. One quick thing. How many films have you produced?
DAVID: Over 40 films.
ME: Have they received video distribution? Or theatrical?
DAVID: Some video, some theatrical.
ME: Great. I got pen. What’s your address?

Boy already I’m sold on this guy. I can’t wait to start working with him. The way we communicate is like a veteran receiver and quarterback or point guard and center. We don’t even have to say anything. It’s all in the eyes. Montana and Rice, Manning and Harrison, Magic and Kareem, Bird and McHale and now Bobbitt and Hagan. Hall of Fame here we come.

Randy:
David,

Can you send me a link to the IMDB page that has your company credits?

Thanks,

Randall Bobbitt

Now. I’m not being sarcastic here. I really wanted to see his credits and thought he was legit.

David Hagan:
Go to IMDB.com.
In the search box, enter Hagan Productions, Inc.. You will see production companies we have worked with in financing projects. Look under Cinevision and Cinevision 2000
for projects we have produced and distributed. DH Did you send the script?

Randy:
David,

Nothing is coming up under HAGAN PRODUCTIONS, INC. Can you send me the link? Or tell ONE of the films that is produced under Hagan Productions so I can look it up that way. Cinevision 2000 has only produced one film. Crisis Line.

David Hagan:
TEN WOMEN, CRISIS LINE, ONE NIGHT STAND, THE TAXI GAME. Did you send the script?DH

Randy:
I still have found nothing under Hagan Productions, Inc. You or Hagan productions are not listed under ANY of the "One Night Stand" films. The Taxi Game is not even in the IMDB.

You told me you produced over 40 films that have received video and/or theatrical distribution. You said just said type it in IMDB. Nothing has come up as you've said. Can you email me the link?

I'm also curious as to why you want my script so bad since I'd be 1 of
1500 submissions and it'd be such a GREAT RISK sending it to you. If you don't like my film it'll never get made.

Send me a link to your list of films. Why don't you just send
some titles that YOU'VE ACTUALLY produced DAVID. PLEASE.

Randy:
David,

Send me that list of films you produced. I can wait to get started!!!!

David Hagan:
I have told you the films we have produced. We do not have a website at this time. If I do not have your script by Tuesday the 25th of April, I am going to pass on the project. I do not have the time to mess with you. DH

Randy:
Hey David,

You told me you produced over 40 films and some have been release theatrically. I just want to see that list. You said it was on
IMDB.com. Send me the list so I can send you the script. I can't
wait to get started on this project!

David Hagan:
The list is on IMDB.com. I am not going to waste any more time with you. You are very unco-operative. Send the script by Tuesday or forget it. DH

Randy:
David,

I'd love to work with you. As you know I'm taking a big "risk" in
having you read the script. I just want to get all my facts straight.
You told me on the phone that you produced over 40 films. On IMDB you are only credited with two films. Just send me the link to the other films so that we can get STARTED! I just want to see the other films you were talking about. Come on DAVID we'd make a great team.

Just send me the link. Trust me David, I believe you, just send me
the link!

THANKS!

David Hagan:
There is no link. You have until 10:00 pm Monday night to get the script to me. I am not messing around with you. DH

Randy Bobbitt:
I'll send the script as soon as you can tell me the 40 films that you
produced. Those were your words. I'm not making this up. I'm
worried about taking that big risk with you.

David Hagan:
You are a jackass. We are passing on your project. DH

Randy:
David,

Relax. I thought you produced 40 films? Where is your list of
credits? Just show me the list of credits? Now, I wouldn't want to
call you a liar, because you seem like such a reasonable guy. I know
you produced over 40 films, some of them "theatrical", even though
IMDB only shows that you've produced two that I've never heard of and either has blockbuster, Hollywood video, or any other video store on a little planet called earth. (BTW - good idea using your real name as the name of the main character. Great way to boost your ego. Looks like I might be making a similar tweak with my script)

I'm gonna complain to IMDB that they left off your credits off those films. You must of had some bad luck David. Your bad karma sits fine with me, because you seemed like such a nice guy when you called me and said I was taking a "big risk" by sending you the script. When I asked you "why?" you said you got "1500 submissions a year". Now, I know why you kept on calling and emailing me, 1501 submissions is a lot better pool to choose from than 1500.

I couldn't figure out why I was taking a risk by sending David
"producer of over 40 films, some even theatrical but I don't have more
than 2 Imdb credits" Hagan my script because if I didn't send you my
script my film would never be made? You're bigger than I thought.
Now you're gonna have to add the "The Only Producer In Hollywood" to
your already long title. Thanks again for being so nice. Looks like
I'll be leaving town, because now I'm a failure. Email me when your
next "theatrical" film is released.

GOOD LUCK!

Randall A. Bobbitt

David Hagan:
PASS! Sarcastic JACKASS

Randy:
Just as sweet as always David. Don't worry, I got your address, I
won't loss touch. I hate it when people leave town and they quit
being friends. Not you and I David. We're different. We have a
special bond. I got to go figure out a new career and find out where I should move. Hugs and Kisses.

All The best.
Your special JACKASS!

I can have my own power rankings....

2005-09-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

Since I spend half of my day reading other's people's crap on the web, I figured, I'd create my own blog and spur my own crap. Much better to create it then take it... I'm just so happy that I'm part of a new community. I can officially say that I'm part of the internet community, right? I mean, I freaking blog now, I'm a community member. I am still waiting for my membership card. By the way (or should I say BTW.. for those of you who are not part of the community that's "by the way" for internet speak. Don't worry I'll take it slow for the non-members so they can grasp these complicated terms, for you members please bear with me) what does it mean to be apart of the internet community? You hear that term thrown around more than one of Tom Sizemore's dates. The internet community. Wow. It sounds like something that comes with great responsibility, don't worry, I'll find a good way to mess it up. Just to let you know, I found out about blogspot.com by reading Josh Friedman's blog. If I could figure out how to set up a link then one of these words would turn a different color and you'd click on it.. but since I'm a new member to the community, I'll do it the old fashion way.... http://hucksblog.blogspot.com/. His blog is pretty funny... he's a very successful screenwriter who likes to brag about being really lazy and watching a lot of television...... boy JOSH that makes the rest of who work their asses off feel really good. He describes it as "self-depricating". It's only self-depricating if you are a loser.... if you're really successful then it's arrogant... but hey... don't let me get off track... I don't want to start insulting people in my own community... (there goes the neighborhood) I just moved into this place.. soon I'll be a veteran of the community and I'll be able to brag about how lazy and successful I am... so everyone probably wants to know what my blog is going to be about... what will I say to the world? (oh yeah, and BTW complete sentences are for people that write for newspapers, magazines, etc. this is a blog...) well after extensive searches on the web, scouring thousands of websites, I found out the one thing I'm probably qualified for... NFL POWER RANKINGS... that's right. Every sports website has a list of every NFL team and where it ranks. These rankings serve no purpose except for losers like me who look at these lists and go "No way are the Redskins ranked below the Giants. We're freaking undefeated!!!!!!!" so here goes my UNBIASED power rankings....

1 - COLTS (3-0)
I'm only picking them because they are undefeated. But all this talk about the, "Their defense has finally come around" is WAAAAAAYYYYYY too early. Let's review their first three opponents: The Ravens. When did holding Kyle Boller and Anthony Wright to seven points mean you had a good defense? The Jaguars. Again, are they even in the top 15 when it comes to defense? And their opponent from week 3 Cleveland? The power offense of Trent Dilfer and Ruben Droughns? They couldn't score with a (insert your own nasty joke here....hey mom's gonna read this)

2 - BENGALS (3-0)
That's right.. the BENGALS!!!!!! They are undefeated. That's more than I can say for the Patriots and the Eagles. Their offense is rolling and their defense is good enough for now. Hey Snyder, good thing you let Marvin Lewis go to the Bengals when he was on the skins pay roll 3 freaking years ago. See ya Marvin, just take the laughing stock of the NFL and turn into a Super Bowl contender. BTW, I can only watch about 10 mins of a Bengals game before I get violently sick. Are those the ugliest uniforms in the HISTORY OF SPORTS??? I mean, I'd take any Pop Warner, Arena, XFL, USFL uni over those things. Please, for the sake of the viewing audience do something about the uniforms. I don't know what's going to happen when they make it to the playoffs, seriously, I'll have to take little breaks so I don't throw up.

3 - EAGLES (2-1)
It pains me to put them this high. But, man, they are good. The one loss to the Falcons is probably a fluke. My only hope is that Terrell doesn’t get enough attention and he starts to talk crap about McNabb again. Please God. I don’t ask for much.

4 – STEELERS (2-1)
They should have beaten the Patriots. What’s all this “sorry about the 54 seconds” stuff the NFL is talking about? First the tuck rule, now this? The tuck rule game was six months after 9/11, the first time the PATRIOTS won the Super Bowl. The “54 second” game is weeks after the Hurricane disasters, when Bush’s approval ratings are at their lowest, does anyone else see a pattern?

5 – BUCCANEERS (3-0)
Dude, I had a choice between Cedric Benson and Cadillac Williams in my 8 team fantasy draft. I picked Benson. Ouch.

6 – PATRIOTS (2-1)
They will barely make the playoffs. Rodney Harrison going down is the WORST thing that could happen to this team next to Tom Brady going down. Let’s review: Ty Law, Teddy Bruschi, Ted Johnson, and Rodney Harrison gone! Don’t give me that “well, they can just plug in players, it’s the system”. If it’s the system, then I’d be playing nickel back for the skins.

7 – FALCONS (2 – 1)
How does this team wins. Vick barely throws more than 150 yards, but some how they always win. All you have to do is stop the run and this team folds.

8 – REDSKINS (2-0)
Okay, I know what you’re saying, but listen, they are UNDEFEATED baby!!!! Number one in the NFC East. Please let me enjoy this rare feeling of supremacy, no matter how short it might be.

9 – BRONCOS (2-1)
Is there a more up and down team? Is there a more up and down quarterback?

10 – KANSAS CITY (2-1)
What kind of curse does Denver have over the Chiefs? How do the Chiefs have such a high scoring offense when they have NO wide receivers?

Alright, these are my power top then. Also getting consideration were the New York Football Giants (how much of a girl did Eli Manning look like when we walked onto the field Sunday Night? I love it when a team has a real beef with a player. Yeah, I can see why Eli wouldn’t want to be in San Diego: Hot girls in bikinis, it’s Sunny everyday, beautiful beaches, boy that’s rough living) the soon to be 2-2 Seahawks, and the now mighty Dolphins powered by former Pro Bowl player Gus Feerrrrote.

Thank you for reading my first blog… more to come later…

My First Blog....

2005-09-27T13:17:00.000-07:00

This is a just a test to see if anyone is listening.