I was going to write this after my last bachelor party, but I’m lazy. So, I thought since THE HANGOVER was coming out, I might as well get off my ass. I’ll be going to my fifth bachelor party in Las Vegas this summer. Every time has been a blast, but I’ve noticed a pattern among my fellow compatriots. There are certain rookie mistakes that seem to happen at every party. But luckily I have written a handy list so you can avoid being THAT GUY. Here is my list of least favorite THAT GUYS at a bachelor party in Las Vegas.
DON’T BE THE GUY WHO…
10. WHO DIDN’T BRING ANY MONEY
You have two options here. Spend money and have fun or don’t bring any money and bitch and moan the entire weekend. Whatever you think you need, double it. That’s right double it. After you’ve paid for your room and your flight, plan on spending at LEAST a few hundred dollars. That’s right. What are you going to spend it on? I don’t know. And no one else does either. Money just catches on fire as soon as your plane lands in Las Vegas. Spending money is the past time in Las Vegas, like tanning is in Hawaii and looking at Art is in Paris. It’s what you do. Oh yeah, and make sure you bring cash. You’ll need it for cabs, to grab a quick drink, and to get you in places that were previously filled to capacity. Do not plan on using the ATM. This is my least favorite conversation in Las Vegas “What are we doing? We’re waiting for (insert name of jackass) to find an ATM that doesn’t charge a fee.” Guess what? They all have fees that average around $7. And no, we will not wait for you to walk eight blocks to Washington Mutual. Go to the bank BEFORE you get to Las Vegas.
9. GAMBLES WHEN THEY ARE HAMMERED
It’s a natural reaction I know. Let’s keep the party going. And look, the tables are wide open. But you’re way too drunk to gamble. Trust me. It’s four am and you started drinking at four pm, and switching to whisky at 11 because you needed a pick me up might not have been among your brightest ideas. For some reason when you’re drunk and gamble, you think the reason you weren’t winning before was because you weren’t taking any chances. So now you decide to double your bets, split fives and double down on a pair of kings. After a long night of drinking in Las Vegas what do you think you’re more likely to hear while you’re going through your pockets in the morning:
A. “Wow, after the club we must have gone gambling last night, because I found an extra five hundred dollars in my pocket!”
B. “Wow, after the club we must have gone gambling last night, because I know I had five hundred dollars in my pocket.”
8. WHO BITCHES ABOUT THERE BEING NO WAITRESS AT THE BLACKJACK TABLE.
This isn’t Mortons. There aren’t three people waiting on you. You’re at the Casino Royal playing five dollar blackjack. There is one sixty-five year old waitress who smokes two packs of Carltons a day waiting on a hundred people. So don’t be shocked that you haven’t seen her for forty-five minutes. My last bachelor party, I was at a casino and these two guys were losing hundreds of dollars playing blackjack. For thirty minutes all they did was bitch that they hadn’t seen the waitress and they needed a drink. The bar was RIGHT BEHIND THEM. Like, eight feet behind them. I’ve got an idea, get up, walk to the bar and pay $4 for a fucking drink. You might want to make that a habit unless you like watered down well drinks and Miller light. Most of the times if you tell the bartender you’re gambling he’ll even give it to you for free.
7. BRINGS A CAMERA
Yeah, I know you got a cool new digital camera. Yeah, I know you think you’re an up and coming amateur photographer. Guess what , I have a little secret your two hundred dollar camera from Target is not cool and your photos suck. Leave the camera in another state. That’s right. Don’t even take it.
6. GOES TO THE ATM MACHINE AT 3AM
You don’t need it. Live to fight another day my friend. If you take out $300 and you blow it that night. (This might have happened to me once or twice) When you wake up the next day your ATM card will be maxed out because $300 is the limit for the day. So then you’ll have to get a cash advance on your Visa to get through the next day. Then Visa will notice irregular activity on your card. Then they’ll call your house and ask your wife/girlfriend if it’s okay to take out that money. Then she’ll use that against you when she’s planning her trip with the girls. So that $300 now cost you double plus interest all because you went to the ATM machine at 3 o’clock in the morning.
5. GETS SO BURNT OUT THE FIRST NIGHT THEY SLEEP ALL DAY
This has happened to at least one person at every bachelor party I’ve ever been to in Las Vegas. One guy gets so freaking hammered that his hangover lasts two days. They go to sleep on Friday night/Saturday Morning and wake up Saturday night like at eight o’clock. Then they’re a walking zombie the next night. You shouldn’t sleep more than six hours anyway. Your body is like a high performance vehicle. It’ll go at a reasonable speed for a long time, but it doesn’t want to you to slam on the breaks when it’s a full speed. Once you get moving, keep it moving. Pace yourself. Don’t worry, they are not going to run out of gambling, alcohol and strippers. There will be plenty in the morning.
4. STAYS AT THE SUPER CHEAP HOTEL
There is always one guy that is trying to save $50 a night on a hotel room, so they decide to stay at the Motel 6. According to google maps, Motel 6 is only one and half miles away. This seems like a pretty good idea, right? No. A mile and a half on the Las Vegas strip is an eternity. You’ll be spending at least an extra $50 in cabs. And more than likely you’ll crash on the floor of someone’s room because you’ll be too drunk to find the cab stand. Not to mention the fact that’ll you lose out on half the good times. The best times are not going out at night; the best times are in the morning recounting the events from going out at night. Hopefully the best man was smart enough to book the bachelor suite in close proximity to some cheap casinos/hotels. If not, suck it up, you’ll have a much better time.
3. THINKS IT’S OKAY TO WEAR CROCS AND CARGO SHORTS OUT AT NIGHT.
Look, you shouldn’t be wearing crocs anyway, but they do you no good at night in Las Vegas. I know, it’s hot in Las Vegas. And contrary to the myth most people do not dress up in Vegas. Actually most people dress like they were awoken in the middle of the night because their house caught on fire and they grabbed the first thing they could. Seriously, most middle Americans dress like slobs. I’m not being judgmental, it’s just the truth. Besides, there are plenty of people on the strip with ‘That’s what she said’ t-shirts. I know you think that’s a cool look, and I’m just as surprised as you that you don’t have a girlfriend, but please, put on a button up shirt, a NICE pair of jeans and a pair of dress shoes. If you can’t polish them, then get a different pair of shoes. Hey, you might even get some heads to turn in your direction. The clubs, gentlemen or otherwise do not allow shorts, sneakers or jeans with holes in them. You’re only in Vegas for the weekend. You can wear your ‘I only date crack whores’ t-shirt when you get back home.
2. ISN’T SELF SUFFICIENT
Ninety percent of your time in Las Vegas will be spent standing around. Standing at the bar, at the club, or at the black jack table. That’s what you do. If you don’t like standing around drinking, gambling or bullshitting with your boys this probably isn’t the place for you. A lot of people are under the assumption that you’re going to be doing a lot. Standing around and drinking is doing something. Talking with your boys is doing something. Gambling is doing something. So if you don’t like doing this, please go home. And what ever you do, do not ask me “Hey, when are we going to do something?” Dude, we’re doing it.
1. FALLS IN LOVE WITH A STRIPPER
Yes. She’s very attractive. And yes, she is paying a lot of attention to you, but the likelihood that she actually likes you is pretty freaking slim. I take that back, there is no fucking way she actually likes you. For those of you who have never been to a strip club in Las Vegas let me paint you a picture. Most guys, spend their entire lives trying to get a woman to notice them. When I was single and in my twenties I would spend countless nights going to bars and staring at women. And 999 out of 1000 times nothing EVER happened. Now, imagine that scenario, but every time you look at a girl she runs over to you and wants to sit in your lap. Wow. Okay, now let’s say all the women in the bar are very attractive. It’s pretty shocking the first few times you go. Most guys have a hard time telling a girl “No, I don’t want a dance”. Luckily, I’ve built up a tolerance to strip clubs the way I’m sure a young Mexican child gets use to hot sauce. I bet the first time little Hector put some Tapatio on his carna asada taco it burnt, but now, he can barely taste it. Look, have fun. More importantly make sure the bachelor has fun. But whatever you do, do not fall in love with a stripper. And for the love of God, don’t even think about going to that ATM machine.
Friday, June 05, 2009
Monday, February 09, 2009
DEAR BATMAN
Dear Mr. Batman,
I recently watched your movie “The Dark Knight”. Yeah, I know I know, I waited for video. By looking over those box office numbers, it looks like I’m the only one. I’m not writing this letter to congratulate you on the film, I’m sure you’ve had enough people do that. I’m writing about your supposed plan to clean up the streets.
Let me start off by saying I don’t think you really want to stop crime. I really don’t. Let’s give everyone a quick review. I don’t think this is a big reveal here, but your job is rolling around town as billionaire bachelor playboy, Bruce Wayne. (BTW, great voice disguise. Talking in a really deep voice is sure to fool everyone, but it must be a killer on your throat. I suggest chamomile tea with lots of honey). In the history of day jobs, this is probably the best one. For most people, jet setting around the world and having sex with super models would not just be a day job, it would be a dream job. But, no, you have to fight crime. On the surface, a noble cause. You have come to the conclusion, with all of your billions of dollars and apparently all your time, because you don’t seem to be spending too much of it running that corporation of yours, that the best way to fight crime in the City of Gotham is to dress up as a bat and drive around town in an obnoxiously hideous car. While I’ve never been a cop and never really associated with criminals, unless you count living in Baltimore, I think your way of fighting crime is more about feeding your ego than cleaning up the streets. Here are few things you could do that would actually stop crime.
GET A BIGGER CREW
Jordan didn’t win a title until he learned to pass the ball. Kobe still has not won one without Shaq. So let’s be honest here. I know it’s great to get all the press and have the bat signal shining in the clouds every night, but if you really want to get things done, you’re going to need a bigger crew. You can’t be in two places at once, but the Joker can. He was able to rig a hundred 55-gallon drums full of explosives while he was locked up in the joint. You know why? Because he has a freaking crew. I know, everyone in town is corrupt, you don’t even trust the DA, well if that’s the case, then recruit out of town. You have plenty of money. You don’t think people would jump at the opportunity to work with you right out of college? There are thousands of Iraq War veterans who already have plenty of combat training who’d be perfect for this job. If you play your cards right there is probably a tax write-off in there too. For eighty grand a year, plus health insurance and a rock solid 401k, I’m sure you can get people who are more than qualified. I’ve even come up with a few things you can do to save for that extra cash. Like, do you really need a 200-foot long conference table? And your garage, does the entire ceiling need to light up? Consider going green, you could save a lot of money and help the environment.
GO UNDER COVER WITH THE MOB
Apparently there are a lot of different Mobs in Gotham City. From what I’ve seen, they seem pretty easy to spot considering they so easily fit into stereotypes. Now, I know going undercover probably takes a lot of time and is really hard, especially in such a crime ridden city as Gotham, but these are the dumbest criminals I ever seen. First of all, they all keep their money, not in a Swiss bank account or some off-shore account but in uninsured banks run by the mob? I don’t have that much in savings myself, but believe me, my stuff is insured by the Federal Government. And the money doesn’t get laundered, it just sits in a large pile in the middle of the bank? At most banks when you deposit money that money goes into the bank system and then it turns into a number in a computer. Unfortunately for the mobsters, their banks just store the physical cash instead of laundering it through the system. If they aren’t smart enough to put their money in an off shore account, I’m sure they aren’t smart enough to sniff out an undercover cop.
GET BACK TO BASIC POLICE WORK
I don’t want to be too much of a Monday morning quarterback here, but you really messed up that Joker case. I didn’t see any real police investigating going on. I saw a lot of “Hey, check me out, I’m standing on top of a building looking really cool.” I know you have great vision and all, but looking for the Joker while standing on top of a building seems like a long shot to me. Here’s an idea. If you’re looking for a guy who wears a purple suit with a purple shirt and gloves, it would be a good idea to check with the local tailors. His suit has to be custom made. It’s the only thing he wears, so he has to have a regular tailor. Don’t you think that tailor would have some contact info for him? I mean dude wears purple gloves? Who the hell sells purple gloves for men? There can’t be more than one or two in all of Gotham. I’m not saying it would have broken the case wide open, but a little bit of basic police investigating would have helped.
BE INCONSPICUIOUS
Is the "bat" suit really working? I’m sure it’s intimidating and all when you first roll up on the scene. And I’m sure the suit helps with the gadgets, but really it makes you seem like you’re better than the rest of the police force. Come on, if you really want to fight crime, would you come up with an entire name, marketing campaign and logo? You are not about stopping crime, you are about self-promoting. You’re the Terrell Owens of crime fighters. Winning is only good if you’re the center of attention. Maybe, just maybe, if you were a little more inconspicuous the Joker wouldn’t have targeted you in the first place. Let’s just say you didn’t have a name, didn’t dress up like a “Bat” and just went around town fighting crime. Wouldn’t that help the police force’s self-esteem and image. Don’t you think that alone would make the streets safer?
RUN FOR OFFICE
You’re a good-looking billionaire with a lot of extra time on your hands who claims he wants to fight crime. You’ve concluded that since your city is so corrupt, the best way to spend your money fighting crime is to spend it on suits, vehicles and gadgets. While that might seem logical for a kid with a trust fund, here’s an idea from a guy who went to community college: run for Mayor. You’re good looking, charismatic, and most importantly rich! You have exactly what it takes to run a good campaign, including a ringing endorsement from the chief of police. If you reveal you are Batman, you can run on the premise of stopping crime. Then once you’re Mayor you can weed out all of the corrupt people. This seems like a no-brainer.
BANK SECRUITY
Gotham’s banks must have the worst security of any banks in the world. Sure, the Joker breaking into the first one and driving out in a line of school buses is one thing, but what about Lau, the mob accountant, (more proof the mobs are really dumb, they all use the same accountant? For a town that is so corrupt you figure there’d be more mobs accountants to choose from) who was able to steal hundreds of millions of dollars from half dozen banks or so at the same time. By the way, if LAU, can easily just steal the money from these banks, why does he need to make a deal with the mob guys? He’s already in Hong Kong, why doesn’t he just keep the money and chill out? Isn’t making a deal with his former bosses, who he just screwed over, to great a risk. Okay, let’s say he knows his bosses really well and knows his bosses won’t try to kill him for stealing their money and trying to sell half of it back to them. Then why doesn’t Lau just steal money from another bank that doesn’t have mob money? He’s a really good bank robber and seems to be able to move the cash overseas really easily. Or is he just good at robbing Gotham City banks because the security is so poor? Either way, spending some of your billions of dollars on upgrading those bank security systems wouldn’t be the worst idea.
LEARN FROM THE JOKER
I know you aren’t the most social guy in the world, so maybe you should take a look at the Joker’s recruiting practices. The dude is freaking crazy, has green hair and runny make up all of his face and is still able to go out and recruit really solid guys. Not to mention, he kills all of them. He has to be the best recruiter/pitchman in the world. I don’t know too many people who’d be willing to work for someone if they knew they were going to die at the end of the job. He has new guys every day. You must be able to find one of the guys he didn’t kill and question him about the Joker’s recruiting tactics. Seriously, if you could recruit like that, you’d have a really solid team working for you and the streets would be cleaned up in less than six months.
MOVE
That’s right, get out of town. You are personally responsible for at least five innocent people dying, not to mention all the criminals that died because of your actions or the millions of dollars in damages you cause by driving that car around town. The Joker even stated that the only reason he was doing what he was doing was because of you. No Batman, no Joker. Take off your freaking mask already and move.
I recently watched your movie “The Dark Knight”. Yeah, I know I know, I waited for video. By looking over those box office numbers, it looks like I’m the only one. I’m not writing this letter to congratulate you on the film, I’m sure you’ve had enough people do that. I’m writing about your supposed plan to clean up the streets.
Let me start off by saying I don’t think you really want to stop crime. I really don’t. Let’s give everyone a quick review. I don’t think this is a big reveal here, but your job is rolling around town as billionaire bachelor playboy, Bruce Wayne. (BTW, great voice disguise. Talking in a really deep voice is sure to fool everyone, but it must be a killer on your throat. I suggest chamomile tea with lots of honey). In the history of day jobs, this is probably the best one. For most people, jet setting around the world and having sex with super models would not just be a day job, it would be a dream job. But, no, you have to fight crime. On the surface, a noble cause. You have come to the conclusion, with all of your billions of dollars and apparently all your time, because you don’t seem to be spending too much of it running that corporation of yours, that the best way to fight crime in the City of Gotham is to dress up as a bat and drive around town in an obnoxiously hideous car. While I’ve never been a cop and never really associated with criminals, unless you count living in Baltimore, I think your way of fighting crime is more about feeding your ego than cleaning up the streets. Here are few things you could do that would actually stop crime.
GET A BIGGER CREW
Jordan didn’t win a title until he learned to pass the ball. Kobe still has not won one without Shaq. So let’s be honest here. I know it’s great to get all the press and have the bat signal shining in the clouds every night, but if you really want to get things done, you’re going to need a bigger crew. You can’t be in two places at once, but the Joker can. He was able to rig a hundred 55-gallon drums full of explosives while he was locked up in the joint. You know why? Because he has a freaking crew. I know, everyone in town is corrupt, you don’t even trust the DA, well if that’s the case, then recruit out of town. You have plenty of money. You don’t think people would jump at the opportunity to work with you right out of college? There are thousands of Iraq War veterans who already have plenty of combat training who’d be perfect for this job. If you play your cards right there is probably a tax write-off in there too. For eighty grand a year, plus health insurance and a rock solid 401k, I’m sure you can get people who are more than qualified. I’ve even come up with a few things you can do to save for that extra cash. Like, do you really need a 200-foot long conference table? And your garage, does the entire ceiling need to light up? Consider going green, you could save a lot of money and help the environment.
GO UNDER COVER WITH THE MOB
Apparently there are a lot of different Mobs in Gotham City. From what I’ve seen, they seem pretty easy to spot considering they so easily fit into stereotypes. Now, I know going undercover probably takes a lot of time and is really hard, especially in such a crime ridden city as Gotham, but these are the dumbest criminals I ever seen. First of all, they all keep their money, not in a Swiss bank account or some off-shore account but in uninsured banks run by the mob? I don’t have that much in savings myself, but believe me, my stuff is insured by the Federal Government. And the money doesn’t get laundered, it just sits in a large pile in the middle of the bank? At most banks when you deposit money that money goes into the bank system and then it turns into a number in a computer. Unfortunately for the mobsters, their banks just store the physical cash instead of laundering it through the system. If they aren’t smart enough to put their money in an off shore account, I’m sure they aren’t smart enough to sniff out an undercover cop.
GET BACK TO BASIC POLICE WORK
I don’t want to be too much of a Monday morning quarterback here, but you really messed up that Joker case. I didn’t see any real police investigating going on. I saw a lot of “Hey, check me out, I’m standing on top of a building looking really cool.” I know you have great vision and all, but looking for the Joker while standing on top of a building seems like a long shot to me. Here’s an idea. If you’re looking for a guy who wears a purple suit with a purple shirt and gloves, it would be a good idea to check with the local tailors. His suit has to be custom made. It’s the only thing he wears, so he has to have a regular tailor. Don’t you think that tailor would have some contact info for him? I mean dude wears purple gloves? Who the hell sells purple gloves for men? There can’t be more than one or two in all of Gotham. I’m not saying it would have broken the case wide open, but a little bit of basic police investigating would have helped.
BE INCONSPICUIOUS
Is the "bat" suit really working? I’m sure it’s intimidating and all when you first roll up on the scene. And I’m sure the suit helps with the gadgets, but really it makes you seem like you’re better than the rest of the police force. Come on, if you really want to fight crime, would you come up with an entire name, marketing campaign and logo? You are not about stopping crime, you are about self-promoting. You’re the Terrell Owens of crime fighters. Winning is only good if you’re the center of attention. Maybe, just maybe, if you were a little more inconspicuous the Joker wouldn’t have targeted you in the first place. Let’s just say you didn’t have a name, didn’t dress up like a “Bat” and just went around town fighting crime. Wouldn’t that help the police force’s self-esteem and image. Don’t you think that alone would make the streets safer?
RUN FOR OFFICE
You’re a good-looking billionaire with a lot of extra time on your hands who claims he wants to fight crime. You’ve concluded that since your city is so corrupt, the best way to spend your money fighting crime is to spend it on suits, vehicles and gadgets. While that might seem logical for a kid with a trust fund, here’s an idea from a guy who went to community college: run for Mayor. You’re good looking, charismatic, and most importantly rich! You have exactly what it takes to run a good campaign, including a ringing endorsement from the chief of police. If you reveal you are Batman, you can run on the premise of stopping crime. Then once you’re Mayor you can weed out all of the corrupt people. This seems like a no-brainer.
BANK SECRUITY
Gotham’s banks must have the worst security of any banks in the world. Sure, the Joker breaking into the first one and driving out in a line of school buses is one thing, but what about Lau, the mob accountant, (more proof the mobs are really dumb, they all use the same accountant? For a town that is so corrupt you figure there’d be more mobs accountants to choose from) who was able to steal hundreds of millions of dollars from half dozen banks or so at the same time. By the way, if LAU, can easily just steal the money from these banks, why does he need to make a deal with the mob guys? He’s already in Hong Kong, why doesn’t he just keep the money and chill out? Isn’t making a deal with his former bosses, who he just screwed over, to great a risk. Okay, let’s say he knows his bosses really well and knows his bosses won’t try to kill him for stealing their money and trying to sell half of it back to them. Then why doesn’t Lau just steal money from another bank that doesn’t have mob money? He’s a really good bank robber and seems to be able to move the cash overseas really easily. Or is he just good at robbing Gotham City banks because the security is so poor? Either way, spending some of your billions of dollars on upgrading those bank security systems wouldn’t be the worst idea.
LEARN FROM THE JOKER
I know you aren’t the most social guy in the world, so maybe you should take a look at the Joker’s recruiting practices. The dude is freaking crazy, has green hair and runny make up all of his face and is still able to go out and recruit really solid guys. Not to mention, he kills all of them. He has to be the best recruiter/pitchman in the world. I don’t know too many people who’d be willing to work for someone if they knew they were going to die at the end of the job. He has new guys every day. You must be able to find one of the guys he didn’t kill and question him about the Joker’s recruiting tactics. Seriously, if you could recruit like that, you’d have a really solid team working for you and the streets would be cleaned up in less than six months.
MOVE
That’s right, get out of town. You are personally responsible for at least five innocent people dying, not to mention all the criminals that died because of your actions or the millions of dollars in damages you cause by driving that car around town. The Joker even stated that the only reason he was doing what he was doing was because of you. No Batman, no Joker. Take off your freaking mask already and move.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
DON’T CALL IT A COME BACK
On Saturday I went skateboarding for the first time in over three years. Let’s just say, things seemed a little different than they did back in the day. The following are true events from Saturday January 17, 2009. YOU KNOW YOU HAVEN’T BEEN SKATEBOARDING IN A LONG TIME WHEN…
You take out your board and it’s delaminated.
You pull out your only skate shirt and realize the company’s been out of business for ten years.
You don’t go skating for fun. You are going for “cardio” so you can lose weight.
You actually google “How many calories does skate boarding burn”. (282 per hour.)
You aren’t happy about the selection of your shoes after you’ve changed them two times. You don’t want your “cool” skate vans to get messed up but the ones you don’t care about look lame. And the cool ones that you don’t care about don’t feel right on your feet. After fifteen minutes of pondering, you decide to suck it up and go with the lame ones. If this come back doesn’t last at least you won’t be out a pair of really cool vans that make you look like you skate.
After finally deciding on an old skate video to watch and get you pumped up, you realize you can’t watch it because you don’t own a VCR anymore.
You tell your wife you’re going skating and she says “make sure you keep your phone with you in case you get hurt”.
Instead of going to Venice Beach where there is a lot of flat ground to get your legs back, you Google skateparks and decide to go to the one in East LA because you know the chances of running into someone you know are super slim.
Your back hurts before you leave your apartment.
You are surprised you can ollie axl stall on the curb out front of your apartment.
You ollie, your back foot comes off the tail about eight inches but the tail is only about four inches off the ground.
You go by Starbucks because you need a pick me up before you actually go skating.
Your sister calls and you tell her you’re going skating she says “You mean, Ice Skating?”
You arrive at the skate park and realize that most of the park is transitions and pools. Like, really steep transitions. Like the six foot high quarter pipes have six foot transitions. Like so steep for a split second you think you see Steve Alba. You decide that transitions weren’t always your strong suit.
You skate out of the park with out doing one trick or dropping in.
You get into your car and drive down the street and think that the curb out front of your apartment is pretty challenging.
Just down the street from the skatepark, you see an elementary school with smooth payment. To get into the mood to skate some serious street action you put in a GANG STARR cd. You conclude you’re a city guy and the streets is where you belong.
You are nervous to do a U-Turn because you are not sure it’s legal in this part of Los Angeles. So you drive around the block.
You think that you might get busted skating the elementary school so you decide to skate the park after all.
You are the only one skating the shallow end that is old enough to drive.
You have no idea how kids can skate in such tight jeans.
You realize you are the only one that brought a water bottle from home to keep you hydrated.
No little kids ask if you are sponsored.
A kid in junior high gives you the first courtesy clap you can remember, after it takes you four tries to ollie over the hip. Normally a clap is born out of excitement for a particularly difficult type of trick. But if that skater is not able to do tricks that are difficult, people will clap when you are able to land tricks that appear to be difficult to your ability. Kind of like clapping when a four year old eats all their vegetables.
You are super stoked for landing a sketchy kickflip on what is your first attempt. Not technically your first attempt, the first five you were too scared to jump on the board.
A little kid asks you how long you’ve been skating and you say “you don’t want to know”
After what amounts to a lot better session than it started, you go back to your car and check the time and think your phone must be broken because you thought you were skating for way longer than an hour.
You call your wife and she is relived that you are not hurt.
You take out your board and it’s delaminated.
You pull out your only skate shirt and realize the company’s been out of business for ten years.
You don’t go skating for fun. You are going for “cardio” so you can lose weight.
You actually google “How many calories does skate boarding burn”. (282 per hour.)
You aren’t happy about the selection of your shoes after you’ve changed them two times. You don’t want your “cool” skate vans to get messed up but the ones you don’t care about look lame. And the cool ones that you don’t care about don’t feel right on your feet. After fifteen minutes of pondering, you decide to suck it up and go with the lame ones. If this come back doesn’t last at least you won’t be out a pair of really cool vans that make you look like you skate.
After finally deciding on an old skate video to watch and get you pumped up, you realize you can’t watch it because you don’t own a VCR anymore.
You tell your wife you’re going skating and she says “make sure you keep your phone with you in case you get hurt”.
Instead of going to Venice Beach where there is a lot of flat ground to get your legs back, you Google skateparks and decide to go to the one in East LA because you know the chances of running into someone you know are super slim.
Your back hurts before you leave your apartment.
You are surprised you can ollie axl stall on the curb out front of your apartment.
You ollie, your back foot comes off the tail about eight inches but the tail is only about four inches off the ground.
You go by Starbucks because you need a pick me up before you actually go skating.
Your sister calls and you tell her you’re going skating she says “You mean, Ice Skating?”
You arrive at the skate park and realize that most of the park is transitions and pools. Like, really steep transitions. Like the six foot high quarter pipes have six foot transitions. Like so steep for a split second you think you see Steve Alba. You decide that transitions weren’t always your strong suit.
You skate out of the park with out doing one trick or dropping in.
You get into your car and drive down the street and think that the curb out front of your apartment is pretty challenging.
Just down the street from the skatepark, you see an elementary school with smooth payment. To get into the mood to skate some serious street action you put in a GANG STARR cd. You conclude you’re a city guy and the streets is where you belong.
You are nervous to do a U-Turn because you are not sure it’s legal in this part of Los Angeles. So you drive around the block.
You think that you might get busted skating the elementary school so you decide to skate the park after all.
You are the only one skating the shallow end that is old enough to drive.
You have no idea how kids can skate in such tight jeans.
You realize you are the only one that brought a water bottle from home to keep you hydrated.
No little kids ask if you are sponsored.
A kid in junior high gives you the first courtesy clap you can remember, after it takes you four tries to ollie over the hip. Normally a clap is born out of excitement for a particularly difficult type of trick. But if that skater is not able to do tricks that are difficult, people will clap when you are able to land tricks that appear to be difficult to your ability. Kind of like clapping when a four year old eats all their vegetables.
You are super stoked for landing a sketchy kickflip on what is your first attempt. Not technically your first attempt, the first five you were too scared to jump on the board.
A little kid asks you how long you’ve been skating and you say “you don’t want to know”
After what amounts to a lot better session than it started, you go back to your car and check the time and think your phone must be broken because you thought you were skating for way longer than an hour.
You call your wife and she is relived that you are not hurt.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THE GREAT AMERICAN PITCH FEST *But were afraid to ask.
I woke up Friday Morning hung over and unemployed. Relax, don’t feel bad for me. I was hung over because I was having a late dinner on the westside with some potential buyers of my latest screenplay. That’s right, making deals. Connections. Networking. It’s all who you know. They wanted to buy my script for a low three figures and then totally re-write it because they liked the idea, but didn’t like the script. What a deal! I was still mulling the generous offer when the temperature in my apartment reached 93 degrees.
So, I decided to test the air conditioning at the Marriott Convention Center, site of this years Great American Pitch Fest. And let me tell you, they did not disappoint. It was amazing. World class. Probably the best A.C. in the Burbank area.
Besides having a fancy title, The Great American Pitch Fest is a place where screenwriters go to pitch their ideas and take classes from agents, script consultants, and writers. On Friday and Saturday they had FREE SEMINARS. Then on Sunday, the people that paid $350 get up to 20 five minute meetings with production company assistants, I mean executives.
I was just starting to come down from my A.C. high when I decided to check out some of the vendor tables. Most of them were for script consultants. For a small fee of $400 or so, they will tell you what they think of your script. It seemed like EVERYONE was a script consultant. I guess telling people what is wrong with their scripts is more of a lucrative business than actually writing scripts. Everything that had to do with screenwriting was for sale. From books to brads to script covers. They had software to write your script, to budget your script, to even storyboard your script. My favorite item was the hammer to pound your script flat. This is for people who have difficulty bending the brad back up against the paper. This seemed like something I needed. The only problem was, I didn’t want to be the guy that says “Honey, have you seen my script hammer? I have turn in this script today, but I just can’t until I hammer my script flat!”
I strolled into my first seminar; “How to fill out a one sheet”, with a few homies from my writing group. I guess that made us like a gang. I felt like we were in the beginning of The Warriors. All traveling somewhere to hear a great mind like Sirus speak. Only this was better than The Warriors; we had air conditioning. We were like four deep. I suggested we make shirts or jackets so that everyone knew we were a part of the same gang. Unfortunately, no one else thought it was a good idea.
We each were handed a fill in the blank questionnaire about our scripts. We soon realized that this class was for people who were pitching on Sunday. Since pitching required money, we weren’t doing that. So we thought about leaving and coming back, but why waste good A.C. The speaker for that session was Babz, a literary agent from the movie making metropolis of Sacramento. Wow, finally someone that was going to give us an insight into Hollywood! While Babz worked out of Sac Town, a lot of her sentences ended with “I don’t care, I’m from New York!” She didn’t like using the microphone, she preferred to yell. Luckily for us, Babz didn’t spend much time telling us how to fill out the sheet, but she did tell us how important it was to have one. This was just as important as our script, she said. I always thought a one sheet was a movie poster, but I was wrong. Babz told us that it’s a sheet of paper that has your log line, synopsis, contact info and a photograph that embodies your script. “If it’s a romantic comedy, put in a picture of a sunset or a rainbow”. This caused quite a fuss as there must have been a half dozen questions about which photo was best for each genre. This seemed pretty simple, but then someone asked if a one sheet was one sided or two side. She went over several combinations “You can put your picture on one side and your synopsis and log line on another, but not two ideas on one paper”. Babz loves one sheets so much, she’d rather have those sent to her than scripts. But what does Babz love more than one sheets? Beat sheets. She said if we talked to her and we knew what a beat sheet was, then she’d think we were professionals. She was going to tell us about beat sheets, but instead spent much of her time telling us about the key to getting your script sold. This was why we were here and we were going to get it in the first seminar! Her advice? Write a really good script. We had to use really descriptive words, without typos. The material had to be original and different but follow all the screenwriting rules. We left with our plethora of new information and rushed to the next seminar. Fortunately for us, this was not the last time we’d hear from Babz.
Our next Seminar was with a long time literary agent. She was a nice older Jewish Lady. She was there to discuss the BUSINESS side of screenwriting. She told us how hard agents work for us. How we should trust them. How important it is to form a relationship with an assistant. How to get an agent? Network. Come to places like the Great American Pitch Fest. One step ahead of the program lady. She told us to be clean. She told us to dress nice. She even told us to be nice. She said “Don’t be shy”, but also we “have to know when to shut up.” I furiously wrote down all the notes. I never thought about taking a shower before a meeting.
Luckily, Babz was in the room for most of the session. She’d yell out “uh huh, that’s right, you got it” when she agreed with something. I made sure to underline those parts in my notes. She seemed to agree with most of her writing advice; write a really good original script with no typos. I’m glad Babz left right before the nice Jewish Lady told us never to use an agent outside of Los Angeles. The nice Jewish Lady wouldn’t have stood a chance against Babz.
Then, for some unknown reason, people started shouting out where they were from. It was like a contest to see who came the furthest. Los Feliz wasn’t exactly a contender. The winner was Germany. Wow. And I was pissed about the $12 parking. Then came the most entertaining part of all the seminars, the question and answer session. The questions can break down into several categories:
The normal question:
“What is the difference between an agent and a manager?”
The, it has already been answered a hundred times during the seminar, question:
“What if your script is really good, but it has typos, does that matter?”
The, I already know the answer but I want to show off to the room, question:
“I wrote a book, is this a good place to try and option it?”
The, I hope deep down inside that you answer this question the way I want or it’ll ruin my entire freaking world, question:
“Can I live in Alaska and be a screenwriter?”
The, I know a bunch of information I should probably tell the entire seminar question, that’s not a really question.
“Yeah guys, I’ve been to that website. It’s really good. Also, Creative Screenwriting is good too.”
The, I must be really smart but have the worst freaking networking skills on the planet, question:
“I’ve directed several episodes of ER for NBC and a few other television shows. How do I get an agent?”
The, I’m out of my freaking mind, question:
“Pretend you’re me. It’s the year 2150. You’re on another planet and you open a diner. What do you think?”
After the seminar we ran into my boy Richie. A former/current member of our writing gang. Richie knows everyone and everything that is going on in the screenwriting/seminar world, so it was no surprise when he bumped into Pilar Alesandro in the hallway. Pilar is kind of a celebrity in the screenwriting seminar/script consultant circles. She has a webpage and even does a podcast. I tried to act like it was no big deal, but I must admit, it was pretty freaking cool to be standing near her while Richie chatted with her. It's all about networking.
The next day started at 9am. We scattered to different seminars. I decided to go to the “10 Things A Reader Hates”. A reader is a freelance person who is a struggling writer who reads scripts for very little pay and is always tired. On the rare occasion they think your script is worthy, they will give it a consider grade. This means that someone at the studio/production company/agency who is a full time employee will read it next! This class was very informative. I also had the benefit of having Babz sitting directly behind me so I could hear every “Amen Sister, you said it, uh-huh” that came out of her mouth. Babz loved this seminar so much she could barely stay in her seat. I don’t want to go into the entire list, but the number one thing a reader hates? Typos. Her advice to us on how to get our scripts sold? Write a really good script. She said “screenwriting is mathematical, just follow all the rules." She then said in the same breath, “but it must be original and don’t be afraid to break the rules”. Some pretty sound advice if you ask me.
Then we did the most fun thing of the entire pitch fest. The speaker passed out the first ten pages of a real script she covered. We were supposed to find the mistakes. Just like a real reader. Well, there were spelling mistakes, misplaced punctuation, and bad capitalization in almost every sentence. It was as if the writer closed their eyes and put on a pair of ski gloves to type. Everyone loved this so much they started shouting, “Oh my God. I can’t believe this! This is ridiculous!” It was such a rush to laugh and make fun of other peoples work. It was like a shot of testosterone to our self-esteem.
Riding on our “people who make typos are stupid” high, we rushed over to the next seminar. Even though we were a half an hour early, we had to wait in line and hope to get in because we didn’t pay to guarantee ourselves a spot. This was the most hyped and crowded seminar of the fest. The speaker? The one and only Blake Snyder. The guy who INVENTED THE BEAT SHEET. Remember the thing Babz said was more important than one sheets and scripts? Everyone said he’s the new Syd Field. Those are some serious words my friend. Syd Field is the Super Mario Brothers of screenwriting book authors/seminar speakers. If Blake Snyder is the new Sid Field, then he must be the Grand Theft Auto of screenwriting book authors/seminar speakers.
When Blake arrived on stage, the audience erupted in cheers. He was so giddy. Unfortunately, we didn’t discuss the beat sheet. His main focus was log lines. He said log lines are the most important thing in the entire world. He even gave out his email and encouraged people to send him log lines so that he could comment on them. The guy loves log lines so much at one point I thought he was talking about blow jobs.
He said if you have a fantastic log line, then you could have a really fantastic script. A log line must be interesting, simple, ironic and convey the story, but not the ending. It must include a protagonist, an antagonist, a sense of conflict and a sense audience. He gave us examples of excellent films that had interesting log lines but had horrible advertising, “The Island” and “Just like Heaven”. He must know what he’s talking about.
My mind was racing with new log lines when I stepped into my final seminar “Indie vs. Studio Smackdown” TJ Lynch, an independent screenwriter squared off against Paul Guay, a studio screenwriter. I love independent film, so I was rooting for TJ. Paul wrote Liar, Liar and worked consistently. He loves studio films and doesn’t feel that he’s a “whore”. TJ couldn’t stop gushing over how brilliant the idea was for Liar, Liar. TJ wasn’t putting up much of a fight. TJ won a bunch of screenwriting awards. Even the Nichol Fellowship, the Heisman Trophy of un-produced screenplay awards. He talked about how hard it was to get a film made when the script is low concept and personal. He did get a film produced though, but it didn’t make any money. Someone asked how he makes a living? He said his wife has a very good paying job. And the winner by knock out in the first round: the studio. Luckily, Babz was there to ask all the important questions “I’m an Agent. Please explain to them, because no one believes me, how good does your script have to be?” They said that our screenplay has to be better than the professionals. This was followed up by “It’s a miracle if any movie gets through the system.” It won’t be a miracle for me, I know how to write a one sheet.
So, I decided to test the air conditioning at the Marriott Convention Center, site of this years Great American Pitch Fest. And let me tell you, they did not disappoint. It was amazing. World class. Probably the best A.C. in the Burbank area.
Besides having a fancy title, The Great American Pitch Fest is a place where screenwriters go to pitch their ideas and take classes from agents, script consultants, and writers. On Friday and Saturday they had FREE SEMINARS. Then on Sunday, the people that paid $350 get up to 20 five minute meetings with production company assistants, I mean executives.
I was just starting to come down from my A.C. high when I decided to check out some of the vendor tables. Most of them were for script consultants. For a small fee of $400 or so, they will tell you what they think of your script. It seemed like EVERYONE was a script consultant. I guess telling people what is wrong with their scripts is more of a lucrative business than actually writing scripts. Everything that had to do with screenwriting was for sale. From books to brads to script covers. They had software to write your script, to budget your script, to even storyboard your script. My favorite item was the hammer to pound your script flat. This is for people who have difficulty bending the brad back up against the paper. This seemed like something I needed. The only problem was, I didn’t want to be the guy that says “Honey, have you seen my script hammer? I have turn in this script today, but I just can’t until I hammer my script flat!”
I strolled into my first seminar; “How to fill out a one sheet”, with a few homies from my writing group. I guess that made us like a gang. I felt like we were in the beginning of The Warriors. All traveling somewhere to hear a great mind like Sirus speak. Only this was better than The Warriors; we had air conditioning. We were like four deep. I suggested we make shirts or jackets so that everyone knew we were a part of the same gang. Unfortunately, no one else thought it was a good idea.
We each were handed a fill in the blank questionnaire about our scripts. We soon realized that this class was for people who were pitching on Sunday. Since pitching required money, we weren’t doing that. So we thought about leaving and coming back, but why waste good A.C. The speaker for that session was Babz, a literary agent from the movie making metropolis of Sacramento. Wow, finally someone that was going to give us an insight into Hollywood! While Babz worked out of Sac Town, a lot of her sentences ended with “I don’t care, I’m from New York!” She didn’t like using the microphone, she preferred to yell. Luckily for us, Babz didn’t spend much time telling us how to fill out the sheet, but she did tell us how important it was to have one. This was just as important as our script, she said. I always thought a one sheet was a movie poster, but I was wrong. Babz told us that it’s a sheet of paper that has your log line, synopsis, contact info and a photograph that embodies your script. “If it’s a romantic comedy, put in a picture of a sunset or a rainbow”. This caused quite a fuss as there must have been a half dozen questions about which photo was best for each genre. This seemed pretty simple, but then someone asked if a one sheet was one sided or two side. She went over several combinations “You can put your picture on one side and your synopsis and log line on another, but not two ideas on one paper”. Babz loves one sheets so much, she’d rather have those sent to her than scripts. But what does Babz love more than one sheets? Beat sheets. She said if we talked to her and we knew what a beat sheet was, then she’d think we were professionals. She was going to tell us about beat sheets, but instead spent much of her time telling us about the key to getting your script sold. This was why we were here and we were going to get it in the first seminar! Her advice? Write a really good script. We had to use really descriptive words, without typos. The material had to be original and different but follow all the screenwriting rules. We left with our plethora of new information and rushed to the next seminar. Fortunately for us, this was not the last time we’d hear from Babz.
Our next Seminar was with a long time literary agent. She was a nice older Jewish Lady. She was there to discuss the BUSINESS side of screenwriting. She told us how hard agents work for us. How we should trust them. How important it is to form a relationship with an assistant. How to get an agent? Network. Come to places like the Great American Pitch Fest. One step ahead of the program lady. She told us to be clean. She told us to dress nice. She even told us to be nice. She said “Don’t be shy”, but also we “have to know when to shut up.” I furiously wrote down all the notes. I never thought about taking a shower before a meeting.
Luckily, Babz was in the room for most of the session. She’d yell out “uh huh, that’s right, you got it” when she agreed with something. I made sure to underline those parts in my notes. She seemed to agree with most of her writing advice; write a really good original script with no typos. I’m glad Babz left right before the nice Jewish Lady told us never to use an agent outside of Los Angeles. The nice Jewish Lady wouldn’t have stood a chance against Babz.
Then, for some unknown reason, people started shouting out where they were from. It was like a contest to see who came the furthest. Los Feliz wasn’t exactly a contender. The winner was Germany. Wow. And I was pissed about the $12 parking. Then came the most entertaining part of all the seminars, the question and answer session. The questions can break down into several categories:
The normal question:
“What is the difference between an agent and a manager?”
The, it has already been answered a hundred times during the seminar, question:
“What if your script is really good, but it has typos, does that matter?”
The, I already know the answer but I want to show off to the room, question:
“I wrote a book, is this a good place to try and option it?”
The, I hope deep down inside that you answer this question the way I want or it’ll ruin my entire freaking world, question:
“Can I live in Alaska and be a screenwriter?”
The, I know a bunch of information I should probably tell the entire seminar question, that’s not a really question.
“Yeah guys, I’ve been to that website. It’s really good. Also, Creative Screenwriting is good too.”
The, I must be really smart but have the worst freaking networking skills on the planet, question:
“I’ve directed several episodes of ER for NBC and a few other television shows. How do I get an agent?”
The, I’m out of my freaking mind, question:
“Pretend you’re me. It’s the year 2150. You’re on another planet and you open a diner. What do you think?”
After the seminar we ran into my boy Richie. A former/current member of our writing gang. Richie knows everyone and everything that is going on in the screenwriting/seminar world, so it was no surprise when he bumped into Pilar Alesandro in the hallway. Pilar is kind of a celebrity in the screenwriting seminar/script consultant circles. She has a webpage and even does a podcast. I tried to act like it was no big deal, but I must admit, it was pretty freaking cool to be standing near her while Richie chatted with her. It's all about networking.
The next day started at 9am. We scattered to different seminars. I decided to go to the “10 Things A Reader Hates”. A reader is a freelance person who is a struggling writer who reads scripts for very little pay and is always tired. On the rare occasion they think your script is worthy, they will give it a consider grade. This means that someone at the studio/production company/agency who is a full time employee will read it next! This class was very informative. I also had the benefit of having Babz sitting directly behind me so I could hear every “Amen Sister, you said it, uh-huh” that came out of her mouth. Babz loved this seminar so much she could barely stay in her seat. I don’t want to go into the entire list, but the number one thing a reader hates? Typos. Her advice to us on how to get our scripts sold? Write a really good script. She said “screenwriting is mathematical, just follow all the rules." She then said in the same breath, “but it must be original and don’t be afraid to break the rules”. Some pretty sound advice if you ask me.
Then we did the most fun thing of the entire pitch fest. The speaker passed out the first ten pages of a real script she covered. We were supposed to find the mistakes. Just like a real reader. Well, there were spelling mistakes, misplaced punctuation, and bad capitalization in almost every sentence. It was as if the writer closed their eyes and put on a pair of ski gloves to type. Everyone loved this so much they started shouting, “Oh my God. I can’t believe this! This is ridiculous!” It was such a rush to laugh and make fun of other peoples work. It was like a shot of testosterone to our self-esteem.
Riding on our “people who make typos are stupid” high, we rushed over to the next seminar. Even though we were a half an hour early, we had to wait in line and hope to get in because we didn’t pay to guarantee ourselves a spot. This was the most hyped and crowded seminar of the fest. The speaker? The one and only Blake Snyder. The guy who INVENTED THE BEAT SHEET. Remember the thing Babz said was more important than one sheets and scripts? Everyone said he’s the new Syd Field. Those are some serious words my friend. Syd Field is the Super Mario Brothers of screenwriting book authors/seminar speakers. If Blake Snyder is the new Sid Field, then he must be the Grand Theft Auto of screenwriting book authors/seminar speakers.
When Blake arrived on stage, the audience erupted in cheers. He was so giddy. Unfortunately, we didn’t discuss the beat sheet. His main focus was log lines. He said log lines are the most important thing in the entire world. He even gave out his email and encouraged people to send him log lines so that he could comment on them. The guy loves log lines so much at one point I thought he was talking about blow jobs.
He said if you have a fantastic log line, then you could have a really fantastic script. A log line must be interesting, simple, ironic and convey the story, but not the ending. It must include a protagonist, an antagonist, a sense of conflict and a sense audience. He gave us examples of excellent films that had interesting log lines but had horrible advertising, “The Island” and “Just like Heaven”. He must know what he’s talking about.
My mind was racing with new log lines when I stepped into my final seminar “Indie vs. Studio Smackdown” TJ Lynch, an independent screenwriter squared off against Paul Guay, a studio screenwriter. I love independent film, so I was rooting for TJ. Paul wrote Liar, Liar and worked consistently. He loves studio films and doesn’t feel that he’s a “whore”. TJ couldn’t stop gushing over how brilliant the idea was for Liar, Liar. TJ wasn’t putting up much of a fight. TJ won a bunch of screenwriting awards. Even the Nichol Fellowship, the Heisman Trophy of un-produced screenplay awards. He talked about how hard it was to get a film made when the script is low concept and personal. He did get a film produced though, but it didn’t make any money. Someone asked how he makes a living? He said his wife has a very good paying job. And the winner by knock out in the first round: the studio. Luckily, Babz was there to ask all the important questions “I’m an Agent. Please explain to them, because no one believes me, how good does your script have to be?” They said that our screenplay has to be better than the professionals. This was followed up by “It’s a miracle if any movie gets through the system.” It won’t be a miracle for me, I know how to write a one sheet.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Los Angeles Film Festival
The Los Angeles Film Festival starts this week and I'm making it a priority to go. Below are the films that are of interest to me. If anyone is interested in seeing any of these films, or if there are other films you want to see, let me know. Click on the name of the film to see the trailer.
MEDICINE FOR MELANCHOLY
Friday, June 20th 9:45pm The Landmark
Monday, June 23rd 7:00pm The Regent
Tuesday, June 24th 2:00pm The Regent
(USA, 2008, 87 mins)
HD-CAM (23.97)
Directed By: Barry Jenkins
Writer: Barry Jenkins
Producers: Justin Barber, Cherie Saulter
Cinematographer: James Laxton
Editor: Nat Sanders
Music Supervisor: Greg O'Bryant
Cast: Wyatt Cenac, Tracey Heggins
In writer/director Barry Jenkins' assured feature debut, the mortifying, morning-after awkwardness of a one-night stand gives way to an expansive, engaged take on love, politics, and race in the big city.
When Micah and Jo stumble into the brightness of a sunny San Francisco day after a New Year's Eve hook-up, she can't wait to escape the uncomfortable silence, but a shared cab ride and a lost wallet soon bring a well-intentioned Micah to her front door. As caution turns to curiosity, the young African-American couple sets off on a romantic ramble through eclectic neighborhoods and their own lives as they swap views on everything from the meaning of blackness to letting go of heartbreak.
Jenkins grounds the couple's voluminous exchanges, by turns sharp and playful, in a deeply rooted sense of place, matching every personal revelation with an equally fresh pedestrian's eye-view of San Francisco in a loving ode to this most cinematic of cities.
CHOKE
Monday, June 23rd 9:45pm Majestic Crest Theatre
Wednesday, June 25th 4:30pm The Landmark
(USA, 2008, 97 mins)
Directed By: Clark Gregg
Writer: Clark Gregg
Producers: Beau Flynn, Tripp Vinson, Jonathan Dorfman, Temple Fennell
Based on Novel by: Chuck Palahniuk
Cast: Sam Rockwell, Anjelica Huston, Kelly Macdonald, Brad William Henke, Clark Gregg
Victor Mancini is a man of many compulsions. While not hooking up at sex-addict meetings or trying to avoid stints in the stockade at the Colonial theme park where he works, he seeks connection by pretending to choke in restaurants in order to let people rescue him. It would be easy for Victor to blame his problems on an erratic childhood and to be really mad at his eccentric mother if she weren't losing her mind and consigned to a medical facility.
For his directorial debut, Clark Gregg adapted this twisted comedy from the novel by cult author Chuck Palahniuk, gamely taking on all manner of uncomfortable moments—from the raunchy to the just plain bizarre—in ways that are often feverishly funny. Showing a sure hand with his fellow actors, Gregg provides a vital heart for his film by eliciting another wonderfully idiosyncratic performance from Sam Rockwell as a man constantly battling his own worst impulses.
MADE IN AMERICA
Friday, June 27th 8:00pm California Plaza
Free Screening
(USA, 2008, 92 mins)
HD-CAM (23.97)
Directed By: Stacy Peralta
Writers: Stacy Peralta, Sam George
Producers: Baron Davis, Dan Halsted, Stacy Peralta, Jesse Dylan
Executive Producers: Steve Luczo, Quincy QD3 Jones
Cinematographer: Tony Hardmon
Editor: T.J. Mahar
Music: Kamasi Washington
Featuring: Ron Wilkins, Bird, Kumasi, Jim Brown, Terry Goudeau, Gee Active
With an outsider's inquisitive concern, Stacy Peralta continues his seasoned investigations into male subcultures to chronicle the emergence of South Central Los Angeles' Crips and Bloods.
Narrated by Forest Whitaker, Made in America places rare archival footage alongside critical interviews with former members and scholars to trace the demoralizing impact of deflated economic opportunities for black communities after WWII and the calculated incarceration and assassination of black political leaders during the 1960s. With black populations cordoned off into segregated locales, L.A. officials then systematically squashed community life and political resistance—leaving young black men to form their own systems of kinship and governance. Fueled by a dehumanizing cycle of economic and political alienation, the 30-year-long daily cycle of neighborhood skirmishes has claimed over 15,000 lives.
Energetic, well researched, and skillfully constructed, Peralta's film provocatively argues that the block-by-block gang warfare that has been holding black communities captive for decades is distinctively American made.
MOMMA'S MAN
Saturday, June 21st 7:30pm The Landmark
Wednesday, June 25th 10:00pm AMC Avco Center
(USA, 2008, 94 mins)
35mm
Directed By: Azazel Jacobs
Writer: Azazel Jacobs
Producers: Hunter Gray, Alex Orlovsky
Executive Producers: Paul Mezey, Tyler Brodie
Cinematographer: Tobias Datum
Editor: Darrin Navarro
Music: Mandy Hoffman (composer), Joe Rudge (music supervisor)
Cast: Matt Boren, Flo Jacobs, Ken Jacobs, Richard Edson, Dana Varon, Nan Arcilesi, Eleanor Hutchins, Piero Arcilesi
In writer-director Azazel Jacobs' latest, a man finds himself unable to leave his parents' New York City home after a visit, seemingly paralyzed by anxiety over returning to his pregnant wife and the oncoming responsibilities the next phase of life will bring.
In a move at once hilarious and subtly touching, Jacobs cast his own parents (his father is legendary underground filmmaker Ken Jacobs) and uses the downtown loft apartment he grew up in—a curio-cabinet funhouse you simply have to see to believe—as his main set.
As a welcome rejoinder to the man-boys who seem to have overtaken American cinema of late, Momma's Man is both a funny and trenchant look at the current problem of adults who can't face growing up, but also a tribute to the waning bohemian wonderland fast disappearing not just from lower Manhattan, but the larger landscape of American culture.
PAPER OR PLASTIC?
Friday, June 20th 7:30pm The Regent
Sunday, June 22nd 1:30pm The Landmark
Wednesday, June 25th 4:00pm Mann Festival Theatre
(USA, 2008, 80 mins)
DigiBeta - NTSC, HDCAM - NTSC, HD-C
World Premiere
Directed By: Justine Jacob,Alex D. da Silva
Producer: Justine Jacob
Executive Producers: Oren Jacob, Graham Walters
Cinematographer: Alex D. da Silva
Editors: Garret Savage, Andrew Gersh
Music: Marco d'Ambrosio
You never know where the stars are," beams the president of the National Grocers Association on the eve of their annual bagging competition in Las Vegas. Paper or Plastic? follows eight state champions from across the country, ranging from rural housewives to ambitious immigrants to awkward teens, each with their own thirst to claim the Best Bagger title in the ultimate supermarket sweep.
Alex D. da Silva and Justine Jacob's fleet and earnest documentary cheers on these grocery gladiators as they duke it out over speed, weight distribution, and the x-factor of “crushability” in a flick as packed with goodies as a shopping spree. The challengers' enthusiasm is real, their need to win clear, and their nerves jangling as the uncompromising judges pick the national champion while the crowd goes wild watching the white bread get carefully but commandingly stacked on top of the six-pack in this celebration of individuality and the spirit of the American working class.
THE PLEASURE OF BEING ROBBED
Sunday, June 22nd 4:00pm The Landmark
Tuesday, June 24th 4:30pm The Regent
Wednesday, June 25th 9:45pm The Regent
(USA, 2008, 70 mins)
35mm
Directed By: Josh Safdie
Writers: Josh Safdie, Eléonore Hendricks
Producers: Josh Safdie, Brett Jutkiewicz, Zachary Treitz, Sam Lisenco
Executive Producers: Andy Spade, Casey Neistat
Cinematographer: Brett Jutkiewicz
Editors: Brett Jutkiewicz, Josh Safdie, Benny Safdie
Music: Haruki Naginata, The Beets, Tiny Seas, Alex Billig, Stephen Valand, Carson Werner
Cast: Eléonore Hendricks, Josh Safdie, Wayne Cin, Batman, Jordan Zaldez, Jerry Damons, Andy Spade, Alex Greenblatt, Gary Greenblatt
An amateur thief coasts her way through New York City in Josh Safdie's ephemeral delight of a film. It's hard to tell if young Eléonore is looking for someone to talk to or steal from; the social and the antisocial seem utterly interchangeable as she interacts with strangers, animals, an old friend, and the police.
Like his purse-snatching, ever-drifting heroine, Safdie knows that success is in sleight-of-hand, and so his vision of cinema is filled with magic and movement, of fragile, seemingly spontaneous moments that surprise at every turn. The film's 16mm images lend it a warmth and texture missing in digital video, while its structure is as deceivingly simple as the Thelonius Monk tune it borrows. It's no surprise that The Pleasure of Being Robbed was the only American feature chosen this year for Cannes' prestigious Directors Fortnight section; this sweet-natured ramble invokes Celine and Julie, Rivette and Eustache, and others for whom cinema is magic.
THE WACKNESS
Tuesday, June 24th 7:00pm Majestic Crest Theatre
Wednesday, June 25th 4:30pm AMC Avco Center
(USA, 2007, 96 mins)
35mm
Directed By: Jonathan Levine
Writer: Jonathan Levine
Producers: Keith Calder, Felipe Marino, Joe Neurauter
Co-Producer: Brian Udovich
Cinematographer: Petra Korner
Editor: Josh Noyes
Music: David Torn
Cast: Josh Peck, Sir Ben Kingsley, Famke Janssen, Olivia Thirlby, Mary-Kate Olsen, Method Man, Jane Adams
Where were you in the summer of 1994?
Though for some it may seem painfully soon to be sitting through a '90s-nostalgia movie, writer and director Jonathan Levine brings those maybe not-so-bygone days of mixtapes and mad flavor back to life in this story of a New York City teenager who copes with the usual problems of girls and growing up while also slinging weed and trying to keep his middle-class family from getting evicted.
Levine captures the sense of freedom and fantasy that underlines summer vacation, when it seems getting in a little trouble is half the idea, while also portraying the nervous anxiety that is often the root of the youthful swagger in adolescent males. Add an outrageous dope-smoking therapist played by Ben Kingsley alongside the central performances of Josh Peck and Juno's Olivia Thirlby, and this freewheeling farce plays as anything but, well, wack.
BAGHEAD
Friday, June 20th 10:00pm Mann Festival Theatre
Friday, June 27th 4:45pm The Landmark
(USA, 2007, 81 mins)
35mm
Directed By: Mark Duplass,Jay Duplass
Writers: Mark Duplass, Jay Duplass
Producers: John Bryant, Mark Duplass, Jay Duplass
Cinematographer: Jay Duplass
Editor: Jay Deuby
Cast: Steve Zissis, Ross Partridge, Greta Gerwig, Elise Muller
It's hard to say what's more surprising in the latest film from brothers Mark and Jay Duplass, that a film this funny can also be so scary or whether it's the other way around. In the follow-up to their low-key success The Puffy Chair, the Duplass brothers tell the story of, naturally, two brothers who convince two women (including rising indie darling Greta Gerwig) to join them at their secluded family cabin for the purposes of making a film in one weekend. When it seems they are genuinely being stalked—by someone with a paper bag on his head, which is alternately ridiculous and genuinely creepy—they don't know whether to feel frightened or just stupid.
Fresh and freewheeling, Baghead seems at first glance to be slightly haphazard, but reveals itself to be slyly sophisticated, a deft mix of indie comedy and homegrown horror. You won't know whether to laugh out loud or jump in your seat—be ready for both.
MEDICINE FOR MELANCHOLY
Friday, June 20th 9:45pm The Landmark
Monday, June 23rd 7:00pm The Regent
Tuesday, June 24th 2:00pm The Regent
(USA, 2008, 87 mins)
HD-CAM (23.97)
Directed By: Barry Jenkins
Writer: Barry Jenkins
Producers: Justin Barber, Cherie Saulter
Cinematographer: James Laxton
Editor: Nat Sanders
Music Supervisor: Greg O'Bryant
Cast: Wyatt Cenac, Tracey Heggins
In writer/director Barry Jenkins' assured feature debut, the mortifying, morning-after awkwardness of a one-night stand gives way to an expansive, engaged take on love, politics, and race in the big city.
When Micah and Jo stumble into the brightness of a sunny San Francisco day after a New Year's Eve hook-up, she can't wait to escape the uncomfortable silence, but a shared cab ride and a lost wallet soon bring a well-intentioned Micah to her front door. As caution turns to curiosity, the young African-American couple sets off on a romantic ramble through eclectic neighborhoods and their own lives as they swap views on everything from the meaning of blackness to letting go of heartbreak.
Jenkins grounds the couple's voluminous exchanges, by turns sharp and playful, in a deeply rooted sense of place, matching every personal revelation with an equally fresh pedestrian's eye-view of San Francisco in a loving ode to this most cinematic of cities.
CHOKE
Monday, June 23rd 9:45pm Majestic Crest Theatre
Wednesday, June 25th 4:30pm The Landmark
(USA, 2008, 97 mins)
Directed By: Clark Gregg
Writer: Clark Gregg
Producers: Beau Flynn, Tripp Vinson, Jonathan Dorfman, Temple Fennell
Based on Novel by: Chuck Palahniuk
Cast: Sam Rockwell, Anjelica Huston, Kelly Macdonald, Brad William Henke, Clark Gregg
Victor Mancini is a man of many compulsions. While not hooking up at sex-addict meetings or trying to avoid stints in the stockade at the Colonial theme park where he works, he seeks connection by pretending to choke in restaurants in order to let people rescue him. It would be easy for Victor to blame his problems on an erratic childhood and to be really mad at his eccentric mother if she weren't losing her mind and consigned to a medical facility.
For his directorial debut, Clark Gregg adapted this twisted comedy from the novel by cult author Chuck Palahniuk, gamely taking on all manner of uncomfortable moments—from the raunchy to the just plain bizarre—in ways that are often feverishly funny. Showing a sure hand with his fellow actors, Gregg provides a vital heart for his film by eliciting another wonderfully idiosyncratic performance from Sam Rockwell as a man constantly battling his own worst impulses.
MADE IN AMERICA
Friday, June 27th 8:00pm California Plaza
Free Screening
(USA, 2008, 92 mins)
HD-CAM (23.97)
Directed By: Stacy Peralta
Writers: Stacy Peralta, Sam George
Producers: Baron Davis, Dan Halsted, Stacy Peralta, Jesse Dylan
Executive Producers: Steve Luczo, Quincy QD3 Jones
Cinematographer: Tony Hardmon
Editor: T.J. Mahar
Music: Kamasi Washington
Featuring: Ron Wilkins, Bird, Kumasi, Jim Brown, Terry Goudeau, Gee Active
With an outsider's inquisitive concern, Stacy Peralta continues his seasoned investigations into male subcultures to chronicle the emergence of South Central Los Angeles' Crips and Bloods.
Narrated by Forest Whitaker, Made in America places rare archival footage alongside critical interviews with former members and scholars to trace the demoralizing impact of deflated economic opportunities for black communities after WWII and the calculated incarceration and assassination of black political leaders during the 1960s. With black populations cordoned off into segregated locales, L.A. officials then systematically squashed community life and political resistance—leaving young black men to form their own systems of kinship and governance. Fueled by a dehumanizing cycle of economic and political alienation, the 30-year-long daily cycle of neighborhood skirmishes has claimed over 15,000 lives.
Energetic, well researched, and skillfully constructed, Peralta's film provocatively argues that the block-by-block gang warfare that has been holding black communities captive for decades is distinctively American made.
MOMMA'S MAN
Saturday, June 21st 7:30pm The Landmark
Wednesday, June 25th 10:00pm AMC Avco Center
(USA, 2008, 94 mins)
35mm
Directed By: Azazel Jacobs
Writer: Azazel Jacobs
Producers: Hunter Gray, Alex Orlovsky
Executive Producers: Paul Mezey, Tyler Brodie
Cinematographer: Tobias Datum
Editor: Darrin Navarro
Music: Mandy Hoffman (composer), Joe Rudge (music supervisor)
Cast: Matt Boren, Flo Jacobs, Ken Jacobs, Richard Edson, Dana Varon, Nan Arcilesi, Eleanor Hutchins, Piero Arcilesi
In writer-director Azazel Jacobs' latest, a man finds himself unable to leave his parents' New York City home after a visit, seemingly paralyzed by anxiety over returning to his pregnant wife and the oncoming responsibilities the next phase of life will bring.
In a move at once hilarious and subtly touching, Jacobs cast his own parents (his father is legendary underground filmmaker Ken Jacobs) and uses the downtown loft apartment he grew up in—a curio-cabinet funhouse you simply have to see to believe—as his main set.
As a welcome rejoinder to the man-boys who seem to have overtaken American cinema of late, Momma's Man is both a funny and trenchant look at the current problem of adults who can't face growing up, but also a tribute to the waning bohemian wonderland fast disappearing not just from lower Manhattan, but the larger landscape of American culture.
PAPER OR PLASTIC?
Friday, June 20th 7:30pm The Regent
Sunday, June 22nd 1:30pm The Landmark
Wednesday, June 25th 4:00pm Mann Festival Theatre
(USA, 2008, 80 mins)
DigiBeta - NTSC, HDCAM - NTSC, HD-C
World Premiere
Directed By: Justine Jacob,Alex D. da Silva
Producer: Justine Jacob
Executive Producers: Oren Jacob, Graham Walters
Cinematographer: Alex D. da Silva
Editors: Garret Savage, Andrew Gersh
Music: Marco d'Ambrosio
You never know where the stars are," beams the president of the National Grocers Association on the eve of their annual bagging competition in Las Vegas. Paper or Plastic? follows eight state champions from across the country, ranging from rural housewives to ambitious immigrants to awkward teens, each with their own thirst to claim the Best Bagger title in the ultimate supermarket sweep.
Alex D. da Silva and Justine Jacob's fleet and earnest documentary cheers on these grocery gladiators as they duke it out over speed, weight distribution, and the x-factor of “crushability” in a flick as packed with goodies as a shopping spree. The challengers' enthusiasm is real, their need to win clear, and their nerves jangling as the uncompromising judges pick the national champion while the crowd goes wild watching the white bread get carefully but commandingly stacked on top of the six-pack in this celebration of individuality and the spirit of the American working class.
THE PLEASURE OF BEING ROBBED
Sunday, June 22nd 4:00pm The Landmark
Tuesday, June 24th 4:30pm The Regent
Wednesday, June 25th 9:45pm The Regent
(USA, 2008, 70 mins)
35mm
Directed By: Josh Safdie
Writers: Josh Safdie, Eléonore Hendricks
Producers: Josh Safdie, Brett Jutkiewicz, Zachary Treitz, Sam Lisenco
Executive Producers: Andy Spade, Casey Neistat
Cinematographer: Brett Jutkiewicz
Editors: Brett Jutkiewicz, Josh Safdie, Benny Safdie
Music: Haruki Naginata, The Beets, Tiny Seas, Alex Billig, Stephen Valand, Carson Werner
Cast: Eléonore Hendricks, Josh Safdie, Wayne Cin, Batman, Jordan Zaldez, Jerry Damons, Andy Spade, Alex Greenblatt, Gary Greenblatt
An amateur thief coasts her way through New York City in Josh Safdie's ephemeral delight of a film. It's hard to tell if young Eléonore is looking for someone to talk to or steal from; the social and the antisocial seem utterly interchangeable as she interacts with strangers, animals, an old friend, and the police.
Like his purse-snatching, ever-drifting heroine, Safdie knows that success is in sleight-of-hand, and so his vision of cinema is filled with magic and movement, of fragile, seemingly spontaneous moments that surprise at every turn. The film's 16mm images lend it a warmth and texture missing in digital video, while its structure is as deceivingly simple as the Thelonius Monk tune it borrows. It's no surprise that The Pleasure of Being Robbed was the only American feature chosen this year for Cannes' prestigious Directors Fortnight section; this sweet-natured ramble invokes Celine and Julie, Rivette and Eustache, and others for whom cinema is magic.
THE WACKNESS
Tuesday, June 24th 7:00pm Majestic Crest Theatre
Wednesday, June 25th 4:30pm AMC Avco Center
(USA, 2007, 96 mins)
35mm
Directed By: Jonathan Levine
Writer: Jonathan Levine
Producers: Keith Calder, Felipe Marino, Joe Neurauter
Co-Producer: Brian Udovich
Cinematographer: Petra Korner
Editor: Josh Noyes
Music: David Torn
Cast: Josh Peck, Sir Ben Kingsley, Famke Janssen, Olivia Thirlby, Mary-Kate Olsen, Method Man, Jane Adams
Where were you in the summer of 1994?
Though for some it may seem painfully soon to be sitting through a '90s-nostalgia movie, writer and director Jonathan Levine brings those maybe not-so-bygone days of mixtapes and mad flavor back to life in this story of a New York City teenager who copes with the usual problems of girls and growing up while also slinging weed and trying to keep his middle-class family from getting evicted.
Levine captures the sense of freedom and fantasy that underlines summer vacation, when it seems getting in a little trouble is half the idea, while also portraying the nervous anxiety that is often the root of the youthful swagger in adolescent males. Add an outrageous dope-smoking therapist played by Ben Kingsley alongside the central performances of Josh Peck and Juno's Olivia Thirlby, and this freewheeling farce plays as anything but, well, wack.
BAGHEAD
Friday, June 20th 10:00pm Mann Festival Theatre
Friday, June 27th 4:45pm The Landmark
(USA, 2007, 81 mins)
35mm
Directed By: Mark Duplass,Jay Duplass
Writers: Mark Duplass, Jay Duplass
Producers: John Bryant, Mark Duplass, Jay Duplass
Cinematographer: Jay Duplass
Editor: Jay Deuby
Cast: Steve Zissis, Ross Partridge, Greta Gerwig, Elise Muller
It's hard to say what's more surprising in the latest film from brothers Mark and Jay Duplass, that a film this funny can also be so scary or whether it's the other way around. In the follow-up to their low-key success The Puffy Chair, the Duplass brothers tell the story of, naturally, two brothers who convince two women (including rising indie darling Greta Gerwig) to join them at their secluded family cabin for the purposes of making a film in one weekend. When it seems they are genuinely being stalked—by someone with a paper bag on his head, which is alternately ridiculous and genuinely creepy—they don't know whether to feel frightened or just stupid.
Fresh and freewheeling, Baghead seems at first glance to be slightly haphazard, but reveals itself to be slyly sophisticated, a deft mix of indie comedy and homegrown horror. You won't know whether to laugh out loud or jump in your seat—be ready for both.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
RANDOPHOBIA
The last time someone stared at me like that, I got punched in the stomach. That is what I thought as I entered a coffee shop and this dude starred at me like he was in the desert for four days and I was a glass of water.
I got kind of a two second staring rule. I turn away after two seconds. For fear that someone will say those magic fun words "What the F*@K are you staring at?". Nothing usually good happens when someone says those words. So when this dude stared at me for a full 6-7 seconds, I felt a little awkward.
I don't want to jump to conclusions or anything but I think he might have been gay. Why do I think he was gay, well he had a bleached blonde spiked mohawk and he wore cargo shorts with cowboy boots and a silver serpent belt buckle. He also kind of stuck out his ass when he walked. You're right. I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I could just be behind the times, and cowboy boots with cargo shorts could be really in style for straight guys. And maybe he has a back problem that makes him walk with his ass sticking out. (FYI: I actually googled that and came up with nothing, if you find that there is a back problem that makes your ass do that, email me and I'll fix the post.) Or maybe that's just what wearing cowboy boots with shorts makes your ass look like, cause honestly it's not a look I've seen a lot. So, straight or gay, he's ahead of the fashion curve.
If he was gay, was he staring at me because he thought I was attractive. I have cut my drinking down to five nights a week and I did have a salad instead of fries with my cheeseburger at lunch last week, so maybe... just maybe... I'm looking pretty good these days. I also did join the gym about a month ago, even though I've only been twice, it's the thought that counts.
Honestly, I don’t think he was attracted to me, because there are a lot of gay guys that go to my gym and none of them stare at me. You’re right, maybe they aren’t gay, maybe it’s a big coincidence the ratio at my gym is eight guys to every one woman and most of those guys are in REALLY good shape and have effeminate mannerisms. The thing is it’s hard to compare attractive at the gym versus attractive at the coffee shop. In Starbucks at 6:30am I’m feeling pretty confident in my mild attractiveness. In the gym at 5:30 in the afternoon lifting weights staring into the mirror next to other guys that go to the gym every day, the confidence kind of takes a hit.
I did look back at him. Maybe he was thinking I was gay and I was interested in him? Just maybe he was nervous cause he thought I was gay? I don’t know, he didn’t look so nervous. His stare was pretty confident.
I remember when I was younger I use to try and stare at girls to see if they'd stare back. If they did stare back that meant that they liked me. This never really worked for me. On the rare occasion that a girl stared back for more than two seconds I always thought "now I don’t know if they are looking at me cause they like me or are they looking back and they are laughing at me because they think I’m a psycho creep.”
I didn’t even know the stare was an option when I nabbed my first girlfriend. Well, it was more like she nabbed me. I was 10 years old. My Mom and I lived in an apartment complex. This one day this older girl, let’s call her “JANE” to protect her identity, came up to me and said “You and I are going out”. I was in the 5th grade and she was in 8th grade. My only sexual experience up to that point was pressing slow motion on the BETA MAX as Tom Cruise had sex with Rebecca De Mornay on a set of stairs in the film “Risky Business”. So I assumed she was a little more experienced than me when she proceeded to shove her tongue down my throat. I didn't know what tongue kissing was and wasn't really that into girls but Jane was kind of in control of the relationship.
We made out a couple of times and she said we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Honestly I could have taken it or left it at that age. I would have had just as much enjoyment playing Ninja. That is probably what I should have been doing when I walked through the school playground on a Saturday by myself and I was approached by a couple of older dudes.
This one dude said to me “Hey, are you going out with Jane”. Being the out going guy that I was, I think I said “I guess”.
This is when dude walked toward me and stared at me right in the face and then asked me the most compelling question I’d ever been asked up to that date “When you kiss her do you get a boner?”
Now, I wasn't exactly experienced at making out or getting boners so I was stuck in quite a quandary. The way this dude was staring at me, I definitely wanted to make sure I got the right answer. I remember thinking If I say "No I don't get boners", then he's going to call me GAY. Which, when you are 10 and it's 1983, is probably the worst thing someone could call you. Then again If I did say “yes, I get a boner”, then is he going to make fun of me because I get a boner too easily and I'm not man enough. (this was of course before I went through puberty and had a boner that probably last about 5 1/2 years from about 1985-1991.)
So I thought really hard. I had to come up with the perfect answer. The problem was, there was no perfect answer. I was too nervous. I was too scared. All I could come up with was "uugggghhhhhh".
This apparently was not the correct answer to the question because the next thing he did was punch me in the stomach really, really hard. I remember falling to me knees then thinking that I should probably not take breathing for granted anymore. As you might have guessed it was quite a while before I thought about getting anymore boners. So you can understand my concern when Blonde Mohawk broke my two second stare rule.
I got kind of a two second staring rule. I turn away after two seconds. For fear that someone will say those magic fun words "What the F*@K are you staring at?". Nothing usually good happens when someone says those words. So when this dude stared at me for a full 6-7 seconds, I felt a little awkward.
I don't want to jump to conclusions or anything but I think he might have been gay. Why do I think he was gay, well he had a bleached blonde spiked mohawk and he wore cargo shorts with cowboy boots and a silver serpent belt buckle. He also kind of stuck out his ass when he walked. You're right. I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I could just be behind the times, and cowboy boots with cargo shorts could be really in style for straight guys. And maybe he has a back problem that makes him walk with his ass sticking out. (FYI: I actually googled that and came up with nothing, if you find that there is a back problem that makes your ass do that, email me and I'll fix the post.) Or maybe that's just what wearing cowboy boots with shorts makes your ass look like, cause honestly it's not a look I've seen a lot. So, straight or gay, he's ahead of the fashion curve.
If he was gay, was he staring at me because he thought I was attractive. I have cut my drinking down to five nights a week and I did have a salad instead of fries with my cheeseburger at lunch last week, so maybe... just maybe... I'm looking pretty good these days. I also did join the gym about a month ago, even though I've only been twice, it's the thought that counts.
Honestly, I don’t think he was attracted to me, because there are a lot of gay guys that go to my gym and none of them stare at me. You’re right, maybe they aren’t gay, maybe it’s a big coincidence the ratio at my gym is eight guys to every one woman and most of those guys are in REALLY good shape and have effeminate mannerisms. The thing is it’s hard to compare attractive at the gym versus attractive at the coffee shop. In Starbucks at 6:30am I’m feeling pretty confident in my mild attractiveness. In the gym at 5:30 in the afternoon lifting weights staring into the mirror next to other guys that go to the gym every day, the confidence kind of takes a hit.
I did look back at him. Maybe he was thinking I was gay and I was interested in him? Just maybe he was nervous cause he thought I was gay? I don’t know, he didn’t look so nervous. His stare was pretty confident.
I remember when I was younger I use to try and stare at girls to see if they'd stare back. If they did stare back that meant that they liked me. This never really worked for me. On the rare occasion that a girl stared back for more than two seconds I always thought "now I don’t know if they are looking at me cause they like me or are they looking back and they are laughing at me because they think I’m a psycho creep.”
I didn’t even know the stare was an option when I nabbed my first girlfriend. Well, it was more like she nabbed me. I was 10 years old. My Mom and I lived in an apartment complex. This one day this older girl, let’s call her “JANE” to protect her identity, came up to me and said “You and I are going out”. I was in the 5th grade and she was in 8th grade. My only sexual experience up to that point was pressing slow motion on the BETA MAX as Tom Cruise had sex with Rebecca De Mornay on a set of stairs in the film “Risky Business”. So I assumed she was a little more experienced than me when she proceeded to shove her tongue down my throat. I didn't know what tongue kissing was and wasn't really that into girls but Jane was kind of in control of the relationship.
We made out a couple of times and she said we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Honestly I could have taken it or left it at that age. I would have had just as much enjoyment playing Ninja. That is probably what I should have been doing when I walked through the school playground on a Saturday by myself and I was approached by a couple of older dudes.
This one dude said to me “Hey, are you going out with Jane”. Being the out going guy that I was, I think I said “I guess”.
This is when dude walked toward me and stared at me right in the face and then asked me the most compelling question I’d ever been asked up to that date “When you kiss her do you get a boner?”
Now, I wasn't exactly experienced at making out or getting boners so I was stuck in quite a quandary. The way this dude was staring at me, I definitely wanted to make sure I got the right answer. I remember thinking If I say "No I don't get boners", then he's going to call me GAY. Which, when you are 10 and it's 1983, is probably the worst thing someone could call you. Then again If I did say “yes, I get a boner”, then is he going to make fun of me because I get a boner too easily and I'm not man enough. (this was of course before I went through puberty and had a boner that probably last about 5 1/2 years from about 1985-1991.)
So I thought really hard. I had to come up with the perfect answer. The problem was, there was no perfect answer. I was too nervous. I was too scared. All I could come up with was "uugggghhhhhh".
This apparently was not the correct answer to the question because the next thing he did was punch me in the stomach really, really hard. I remember falling to me knees then thinking that I should probably not take breathing for granted anymore. As you might have guessed it was quite a while before I thought about getting anymore boners. So you can understand my concern when Blonde Mohawk broke my two second stare rule.
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